Whatever You Do, Don't Drop Your Wednesday One-Liner in the Toilet

Dude with headphones on: How the fuck did Britney Spears get on my iPod?

–13th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Alice

Bus driver: Next stop, 47th Street. And to the asshole who has his iPod on too loud, turn it down or I'll throw you the fuck off.

–M15 Bus

Overheard by: Turned mine off immediately

White girl: It was like Hanukkah on my iPod yesterday! It said there was no battery left but it lasted for two hours!

–Bayside, Queens

Overheard by: Alexandra

Dad to girl: If you can just get over being a pissy girl, you get a free iPod Touch.

–23rd St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Jill Twiss

Really stoned girl, looking at iTunes latest releases: iFart mobile? Do they really have that for sale? iPhone can fart now? (pause) Is there anything an Apple device can't do?

–Bayside, Queens

Man playing electric guitar on subway: I take Mexican money, I take umbrellas. I take whatever you got. I have three kids at home who need iPods.

–2 Train

Overheard by: res

Posted on February 4, 2009
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bus Drivers, Dads, Directions, Farting & Burping, For Sale, Free stuff!, Girls, Guys, Insults, iPod, Judaism, Kids, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Music, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Panhandling, Public Transportation, Queens, Questions, Stoners, The Village, Threats, Time, Vendors & Street Performers, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People

A Wednesday One-Liner by Any Other Word Would Smell As Sweet

Sikh guy: I know a guy from high school who wore a name tag for eight years.

–W 4th St

Man on cell: You know, what's-her-face, she's friends with what's-her-name in HR.

–54th & 6th

Aging Guido: So there was this girl, I loved her, what was her name? Oh right, Nina. She lived in this fucked-up place. She said she had one kid, I went over one time, there were like three. Anyway, one time she was all like, "could I get three thousand pesos?" or whatever, and I was like, "Sure, if I get to fuck you and your friend!"

–1 Train

Mother to whiny brunette daughter: If you don't stop complaining I'm going to change your name. (pause) Yes, I'm going to change your name to Merlot, and your sister will be Chardonnay.

–61st & Madison

Overheard by: nancy

Small girl to unsuspecting male stranger: Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me! (indicating mother) Her name's Sophia.

–M 96 Bus

Posted on February 4, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Drinking & Drunk People, Friendship, Guidos, India Indians, Kids, Love, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Money & Class, Names, Nicknames & name calling, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Sex, Strangers, Street, The Village, Time, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Isn't That What's Inside a Memory Foam Mattress?

Girlfriend: This frappuccino tastes like foam.
Boyfriend: I guess they put a lot of foam in yours.
Girlfriend: Oh my god, they should make a foam-flavored frappuccino.

–Shuttle from Times Square to Grand Central

Overheard by: valerie

Posted on January 30, 2009
Coffee, Compare/Contrast, Couples, Grand Central, On the Bus, Times Square

Nature: 2 Nurture: 0

Mother: We're getting off now if you can't behave.
Boy (screaming uncontrollably at other boy): I want Jessie! I want Jessie! I want Jessie! Jesssssssssie!

–M79 Bus

Overheard by: whothehellisjessie

Posted on January 15, 2009
Family Ties, Kids, Moms, On the Bus, Should've Used a Condom

A Chain Of Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on phone: Yeah, I'm here. But I think I passed through the ghetto on the way. Yeah, it was definitely the ghetto. How do I know? It was really obvious: because I saw a sizzler and all the buildings looked the same!

–Penn Station

20-something girl, watching street protest: They better not have closed Popeyes for this.

–M Bus

Overheard by: BHM

Tiny white girl: I just want to go into Applebee's and punch everyone in the face.

–Times Square

Overheard by: that would pass the time…

Girl on cell: Look mom, there's a Jamba Juice. That place is like famous.

–Herald Square

Slob tourist chick to fat husband: I hate my life! Ooooh, Olive Garden!

–Times Square

Overheard by: BarcLeh

Posted on January 14, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Couples, Drinks, Food, Girls, Gripes, Moms, On Cell, On the Bus, Penn Station, Politics, Punch, Street, Stupidity, Times Square, Tourism, Tourists, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

The Five-Second Rule Does Not Apply to Buses

Disgusted mother to little girl who picked up a Swedish fish she dropped on the bus floor: Don't eat that.
Little girl, dusting it off: It's okay, I'll kiss it up to god.
Mother: Don't you dare put that in your mouth. You have no idea what was on the floor.
Little girl, putting it in her mouth and chewing it: It's okay! I kissed it up to god! (swallows it) What are you going to do about it?
Mother, angrily: I'm not going to do anything. You're just going to die.

–Q18 Bus

Posted on January 13, 2009
Body Parts, Death, Food, God, Kids, Moms, On the Bus, Should've Used a Condom

He Bought Ad Space at The Onion

Hipster guy #1: I'm gonna be poor for a while.
Hipster guy #2: Forever.
Hipster guy #1: Forever, yeah.

–Chinatown Bus, Holland Tunnel

Posted on January 1, 2009
Guys, Hippies, Hudson River, Money & Class, On the Bus, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Know When to Stop

Bus driver: We should be arriving in Port Authority soon, hopefully at our schedule arrival time, but it all depends on the Lord of the tunnel.

–Port Authority Bus

Overheard by: Emily

M60 bus driver, under breath, to traffic ahead: Mush. Mush. Yeah, mule. Mush. Git along.

–106th & West End

Bus driver on PA: Madam, don't let your children swing on the hand bars…this is not a jail.

–M15 Bus

Overheard by: bonoboxoxo

Funny bus driver in soft-spoken jazz voice: This is Madison Avenue. If this is you, get out. I wish I was getting out. Does anyone know how to get out? Next is Park Avenue…or it's not. Is anyone listening? Thanks for the smile.

–M16 Crosstown Bus

Announcer on bus (waiting for someone to request a stop): Come on, my line's open. Someone dial my number. Come on, you know the number! (a passenger requests a stop) There we go! Thanks for calling! I knew you would!

–M16 Bus

Overheard by: alli

Posted on December 31, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bus Drivers, Directions, Kids, On the Bus, Passengers, Port Authority, Prison, Public Transportation, Questions, Stupidity, Time, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness

Like Satan Claus, For Example

Woman to toddler: The devil is evil. That's why his name is spelled “d-evil”.

–Greyhound Bus

Posted on December 29, 2008
Kids, Names, On the Bus, Satan, Stupidity, Women, Words

Wednesday One-Liner Pull the Trigger With Their Toes

Cheerful man with baby strapped to his chest: Lets all go stick our heads in the microwave!

–77th & Broadway

Overheard by: rachel

40-something man: They just upped my credit limit to $3,500, so on top of the few hundred I have saved up, I guess you could call me a ghetto millionaire… (later) So she's all depressed and wants to kill herself, says she's gonna jump off something. I told her, "Girl, you live in Duluth. You jump off anything there, the only thing that'll happen is you'll break your leg.

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: He later used my shoulder as a pillow

Girl on cell: What a fucking selfish bitch. I can't believe she did that. I mean, I know she was like depressed or whatever, but you don't just hang yourself at your ex-boyfriend's house. (pause) No, I'm sorry, you don't just wait for everyone to go to sleep, sneak out, and hang yourself so then everyone has to find you like that. What a bitch.

–Megabus NYC

Overheard by: Tina

MTA employee, in between ordering food: They're all jumping on the tracks now. Everybody's committing suicide. They used to wait until Christmas. Now it's every day!

–Restaurant, Kew Gardens

Overheard by: Abbieprime

Posted on December 24, 2008
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Death, Ew, Jersey, Girls, Insults, Men, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Bus, Psychology, Public Transportation, Queens, Restaurants & Cafes, Suicide, Time, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

On the Bus

Nature: 2 Nurture: 0

The Five-Second Rule Does Not Apply to Buses