Random old dude #1: You shoulda seen how this girl was lookin at me.
Random old dude #2: Oh, yeah?
Random old dude #1: Yeah… I swear, she was standing in the literature section. Hell, the only thing she knows about Dickens is the first four letters of his last name, as in “She needs some dick!”
Enthusiastic shop girl: Hi, are you doing okay here?
Random old dude #1, embarrassed: Uhhh…sorry.
–St. Mark's Bookstore, Stuyvesant St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: manishm
Teen girl: So how big are you?
Teen guy: Oh, I’m 5’6″ or 5’7″.
–F train
Overheard by: Jessica S
Tattooed young mother: So when we get home we could take pictures of the cat.
Four-year old: We could take pictures of the cat's penis, you told me cats have penises!
Tattooed young mother (hushing child): Why are you so fascinated by that?
Four-year old: I like penises!
Tattooed young mother: Don't say that, you can't say things like that!
–F Train
Overheard by: wow.
Queer: So, I freaked out earlier this morning. I went to the bathroom to take a piss, whipped it out, and my dick was brown!
Fag hag, horrified: Did you not clean yourself good after anal?
Queer: No, no, I always do! But, like, I’m thinking I have an STD or something! My heart almost stopped!
Fag hag: So… Do you?
Queer: Well, no. Then I looked at my hand and it was brown, too. Then I remembered — last night I masturbated with my sister’s self tanner.
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: trying to get the mental image out of my head
Mother to eight-year-old daughter, gesturing to hipsters: You know why they wear those tight pants?
Eight-year-old daughter : No, why?
Mother: They got no dick. No boner in those pants.
–Lorimer & Metropolitan, Williamsburg
Pissed off gay guy on phone: What should you have said? Oh, I don’t know, maybe "Hi, I’m Michael, I have syphilis!"
–13th & Broadway
Guy: That’d be a great gig, but I don’t know if you want to be the face of venereal disease.
–Cafe Esperanto
Woman coming off train: Get away from me! You got AIDS on yo’ dick!
–R Train
Overheard by: going to the clinic
Chick: As long as it’s not AIDS it’s okay. I’m vaccinated against everything except AIDS.
–Columbia University
20-something male talking to friend: You know the way I see it: AIDS will kill you, herpes is just an inconvenience…
–34th between 2nd and 3rd
Overheard by: LadyEDdy
Columbia student, on her public health exam: I just didn’t know where to put the gonorrhea! It had to go somewhere, I just couldn’t figure out where!
–School of Public Heatlh, Columbia University
Loud guy: So he gave her a venereal disease. That’s not a reason to marry her!
–Blue Hill Restaurant
Charmer: All of these people walk around the fence all like “Boo hoo hoo”. Ugh. Just suck my dick already!
–Ground Zero
Overheard by: Auston McLain
Two-year-old, pointing to Citibank: That's my bank!
–7th Ave & President St, Park Slope
Overheard by: But who's your insurance carrier?
Nine-year old boy on cell: Well, you know what? Fuck you! I'm going home! (slams cell shut and begins strutting across parking lot)
–Parking Lot, Staten Island Mall
Overheard by: WTF????
Ten-year-old girl in bathing suit to seven-year-old girl: Stop touching my ass. Whore!
–Park, Astoria
Little girl to group of little girls: Raise your hand if you're allergic to penicillin!
–R Train
Overheard by: cole
Little girl to friends, pointing at platform: That's where hobos live!
–4 Train
Overheard by: Jesus Jon
Three-year-old boy, eating hamburger: Cock cock cock cock!
–Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Alexis from Texas
Kid in cart at end of dairy aisle as man he came in with goes down aisle: Ssomeone's gonna take me! Someone's take me!
–Stop & Shop, Kingsbridge, Bronx
Overheard by: Krisztina
Male law student: You know who I feel sorry for?
Female law student: Who?
Male law student: A black guy with a small dick.
Female law student: Why?
Male law student: Because the expectations are so much higher.
Female law student: You mean, like, with you it’s just expected, right?
Male law student: Not me. I’m hung like… like a black guy.
Female law student: You mean like the black guy who isn’t well-hung?
–Brooklyn Law School library
Overheard by: Big Larry
Drunk hipster: Since when did the vagina become the font of all morality?
–110th & Amsterdam
Girl running in pajamas: Oh my god my vagina is so cold!
–50th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Matt
Girl proclaiming: I saw the vagina.
–NYU
Acting student: You have a vagina and he’s all into that. I have a penis and he’s not all into that. That’s why you have to do this for me.
–Archbold Theater
Overheard by: nice
Crazy black woman: I know my pussy! You don’t know my pussy! Haha! You can’t say you know my pussy, I know my pussy! Haha, hah! If you can’t find my pussy, you can’t say you’re not too big!
–114th & Broadway
Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze
Nondescript guy on cell phone: So, were the vaginas ok?
–55th St & 8th
