Girl #1: My shit is green.
Girl #2: That’s cuz you’re a vegan!
Girl #1: Bitch, I shit money!
–Central Park
Girl #1: My shit is green.
Girl #2: That’s cuz you’re a vegan!
Girl #1: Bitch, I shit money!
–Central Park
Guy: So how come you were late today?
Girl: I really had to take a dump, otherwise my downward-facing dog was gonna be a non-housebroken one.
–Broadway & Houston
Overheard by: Daniel Motta
Guy in stall: Arghhh!
Hobo lying on restroom floor: That’s a nice one, man.
Guy in stall, exploding: Auuuggghhh!
Hobo: Now, you’re a fighter, man.
–Staten Island Ferry Terminal, Whitehall St
Overheard by: Torotoro
Guy: You know, we really should do something with all that driftwood we brought back from Canada.
–West Elm furniture, DUMBO
Overheard by: Ashley
The husband scoops dog shit in a clear plastic bag, swings it around and calls out to his wife: Hey, Marla! Ya hungry? Hot fudge, fresh from the oven!
–Prince St. between Thompson & West Broadway
Woman: I remember kindergarten. I got lots of candy and everyone wanted to play with me and I used to wet the bed a lot.
Man: You used to what?
Woman: I used to wet the bed. So they decided to move my bed farther away from the bathroom.
–Manhattan Diner, 77th & Broadway
Female suit in bathroom stall: Well, are you gonna have those files? (pauses, makes bathroom noises) Okay, well, I need it today. Listen…okay…(pauses, more bathroom noises) Great! (pauses, toilet flushes) No, it's okay, go ahead. (pauses) Okay, no, I'm really sorry–I'm just entering the subway, that's what all that noise was. (storms out of the bathroom, doesn't wash her hands)
–34th St & 9th St
Flustered 50-something suit: It's burning! It's burning!
–Penn Station Bathroom
Man in stall: There should be a law against what's coming out of me.
–25th St & Park Ave
Overheard by: I agree
Suit in bathroom on cell: Honey, I can't talk to you right now. (pause) I'm in the bathroom! (pause) I've got a fucking dick in my hand! (pause) What do you mean whose dick?
–Restroom, Grand Central
Six-year-old kid, finishing at urinal: Shake the weasel!
–Men's Room, Regal Battery Park City Cinemas
Overheard by: Russ Wall
Drunk girl: You’ve seen anal sex a million times in porn, but have you ever once seen shit on the guy’s dick? Or on the sheets?
Guy: Maybe they give the girls enemas first.
Drunk girl, draining glass: Well, they must give ’em something, because in real life ass-fucking is a shitty business.
–Tony Awards after-party, Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Big Larry
Teen girl: Whenever I like a guy I get diarrhea.
–8th Ave. & 16th St.
Overheard by: Kevin Allan
Sarah Jessica Parker: No honey, that’s the litterbox. That’s where the
kitty goes pee-pee and poo-poo.
–West 4th between Perry & Charles
Men #1 & #2: What is that?!
Man #3: Yep, yep, that’s me! Sorry, sorry! It’s me. I just don’t understand it — I’ve never shit my pants in my entire life!
Man #4: That’s disgusting!
Man #3: Sorry, sorry.
Elevator operator: Welcome to New York City.
–Elevator at W Hotel, Union Square
