Guy #1: Dude, I just shit in my pants.
Guy #2: My story wasn’t that funny.
Guy #1: No, I really took a shit in my pants.
–N train
Guy #1: Dude, I just shit in my pants.
Guy #2: My story wasn’t that funny.
Guy #1: No, I really took a shit in my pants.
–N train
Little girl screaming to mother from bathroom stall: Why do I have to flush every time? Oh, no, I’m stuck!
–Indian restaurant
Black man singing while peeing at urinal: Oh, Lord, when can I go to heaven? Oh, Lord, when can I go to heaven? [Finishes urinating abruptly.] Thank you, Lord Jesus. Hallelujah!
–Staten Island Ferry
Guy in stall: I’m an atheist! I’m an atheist! [He shits.] Thank you! Thank you, MLK, for giving me the power!
–NYC Main Library
Trendy girl in stall: The toilet’s trying to eat my ass!
–Morimoto
Overheard by: I’d say give a spit polish more than eat
50-ish lady on cell in stall: Hello? In the bathroom… I had to pee-pee, so I’m in the bathroom at Barney’s… Yeah, so the doctor said she might have cancer and she’d have to get a biopsy… Hold on while I wipe.
–Barney’s
Overheard by: Caryn
Girl to friend: Oh, my God, I think I just left the most embarrassing thing in the bathroom.
–Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: V
Woman to roommate: When we get home, we'll have embarrassing sexual accidents!
–Pathmark, Massapequa
Overheard by: Are they really accidents if you plan ahead?
Nerdy TA: The thesis talk is kind of like the sex talk. It's a little embarrassing, no one really wants to give it, but it'll make you grow as adults.
–Columbia University
Girl to friend: I'm not embarrassed that I peed in his bed. I'm just not.
–Columbia University
Girl on cell: I saw it and I thought, "how embarrassing would it be riding on a bike with a nun."
–Grand Central
Overheard by: galgal
Girl #1: Sorry I’m late. I was constipated.
Girl #2: Do you want to take your shirt off?
–21st & 3rd
Man on cell: It's a swollen, pus-filled sebaceous cyst…
–Nathan's, West 32nd St
Overheard by: SuzeV
Chick leaving Duane Reade (exposing armpit): Air it out baby, air it out!
–Duane Reade, 14th & 1st
Overheard by: Lillian
Guy to friends: I'm just gonna rub my shit all over her face. All over!
–96th and Broadway
Fat girl on cell: Oh my god, seriously. My mom is *so* nasty whenever we go out to eat somewhere. I'm not kidding. Like, she is *never* happy where we get seated, and she's like, "This silverware is smudgy! This glass has grit in it! The lighting is awful! The tectonic plates of this location are shifting, I demand a patio table!" I try to be as nice as I can to the wait staff to make up for her. Seriously. I've seen waiting. Please don't shave your asscrack hair into my food because my mom was a douchenozzle.
–jet blue terminal, jfk
Overheard by: now questioning my pizza ingredients
Girl on cell: Yeah, you pretty much have the same body functions when you're dead as when you're alive. It's gross, but I love it.
–Mercer b/w 3rd & 4th
Overheard by: Threw up in my mouth a little bit
Woman to teen skater punks splashing in fountain: You know there's birdshit in that, right?
Lead teen skater punk: We're not drinking it!
–55th St Water Fountain
Overheard by: A little purel never hurt
Guy: Give me a break, she’s into scat! She’ll eat shit, but she won’t lick some ketchup off my hand?
–Folsom Street East
Hipster chick: I didn’t get spat on. I wanted to real bad. But it didn’t happen.
–3rd & St. Marks
Overheard by: robothater
Boy to girl: Does it look like my ass is eating my pants?
–Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Julie
Eight-year old girl: It’s not me, it’s the pants! It’s the pants!
–81st & Roosevelt Ave
Overheard by: Jobee
Woman on cell: No. No. Absolutely not. Look, would you please put some pants on?
–8th & Broadway
Cop to his cop friends: My buns don’t look good in these pants. But hey, what can you do? It’s part of the uniform.
–Times Square Shuttle Station
Overheard by: Heather
Girl on cell: Do you have to shit? Oh… So go in your pants!
–Union Square
Overheard by: Shira
Incredulous thug to friend: You drop your pants to hop the train?
–W. Houston & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Jon A.
Disgusted girl: It smells like rats!
Guy: No, it's just shit you're smelling.
–St Mark's & Ave A
Overheard by: j
Hispanic guy to another, leaving restroom: Man, it smells like white man’s shit in there.
–Trump Tower, 5th Ave
Hobo to hispanic guy on cell: Are there any white people in this town?
–Wyckoff & Troutman, Brooklyn
Overheard by: they’re coming
Woman: But it’s Aryan night…
–116th & Broadway
Hobo playing guitar: I’ve got three kids at home — I’ll take anything. I’ll take food stamps, hair weave, Chinese people’s money, change, food, weed… I’ll even take white people’s money.
–1 train
Overheard by: trooshieb
Black lady: Harlem is up and coming, but it ain’t come up yet. I need to see a few more white people jogging at six a.m. before I sign a lease above 125th.
–7 train
