Boy: How naked are we getting at this party?
Girl: Honey, I don't even need tequila to take my clothes off.
–Student Musical, Columbia
Boy: How naked are we getting at this party?
Girl: Honey, I don't even need tequila to take my clothes off.
–Student Musical, Columbia
Son: I’m thinking of an animal now.
Mother: Does it live in water?
Son: No.
Mother: Does it live on land?
Son: No.
Mother: Does it live in the air?
Son: No.
Mother: Does it live in the subway?
Son: Yes.
Mother: Is it a rat?
Son: No.
Mother: I give up.
Son: It’s a homeless person.
–1 train
Headline by: Johnny Utah
Runners-Up:
· “Better Question: Does It Masturbate in the Subway?” – s m
· “Can We Hunt It for Sport on a Private Island?” – space coyote
· “Don’t Feed It… It’ll Shit Everywhere!” – Hobo Whisperer
· “Homeless: the Other Other White Meat” – Renee
· “New and Improved — Now with Rabies!” – greatly amused
Tween: Hello, sir.
Hot dog vendor: Hello.
Tween: How much are hot dogs?
Vendor: Two dollars.
Tween: How much is Gatorade?
Vendor: Two dollars.
Tween: Are you high?
–Washington Square Park
Drunk college girl: I don’t mean to have sex with ugly guys but more often than not…
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Lo
Thuggish dude on cell: … You want to look in the mirror and be like ewww, while everyone else looks at you and is like, ooh, you know what I’m saying? When I wake up in the morning and I look in the mirror I think to myself shit, I am one ugly motherfucker, how the hell do I get so many bitches?
–7 Train
Overheard by: Andrea
Dumpy man waiting on line: I didn’t know court was a beauty contest for ugly women.
–Downtown NYC Courthouse
Man fighting with random woman on train: You’re as ugly as the tip of my dick!
–4 Train
Overheard by: Marlon B
Teenage girl to group of friends: Oh! Did I tell you *Jessica had her baby? Yeah, that shit ain’t ugly.
–Cobble Hill
Loud girl: Omigod I’m soooo pissed! Like, she’s so ugly. Much uglier than me. And you know on Halloween, if I hadn’t been bleeding from my vagina and puking in a bowl he would have hooked up with me instead.
–Fordham University
Overheard by: I was puking in a bowl when I heard this too
Tourist dad: Look, Alexander Hamilton.
Tourist son: He was young.
Tourist dad: Yeah, wonder what he died of?
–Rector St, by Trinity Graveyard
Overheard by: DTA Officer
Guy #1: Whose job is it to mix up the Rubik’s Cube for those competitions?
Guy #2: You mean, like a Rubik’s Cube fluffer?
Guy #1: That’s a good name for a band.
–MoMA
NYU guy: You saw Notorious? How was it?
NYU girl: I didn't even know I was going to a movie, I thought we were going to a concert.
NYU guy: He's dead, you know.
NYU girl: Well, now I know.
–Uptown 6 Train
Black 30-something man: And she said, "Nigga, you wanna fuck mah titties wit a gun?"
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Amanda R.
10-year-old boy, very loudly, to 10-year-old girl: Oh, yeah, well…how many guns have you ever held?
–5 Train
Middle aged white man in shorts: Anyone awake at 2 am should be shot!
–LIRR
Overheard by: L.C.
Street performer, trying to move crowd: Okay, let's try this! White people, we are not dangerous! (lifts shirt, pats down sides) We are unarmed! Step closer!
–W 45th & 5th
Man on phone: Right. Right. Wait, what? (in shock) He don't got a gun? Well, he has to have a gun! What kinda game do you think this is?
–J Train
Army dude to friends: People shoot at me every once in awhile. Do I get tipped? No, fuck tips!
–Havanna's Bar
College girl, to mumbling Persians: What language are you speaking? I’m just curious…
Persian college student: Well, that was English…
–Elevator, NYU Dorm
(a soprano is singing an opera aria in her apartment on the 4th floor)
Random man on street (screaming up to the window): Girl, you're not even gonna sing the high note?! Pussy!
Soprano (screaming out the window): Everyone's a fucking critic!
–Inwood
