Questions

HS teacher with PhD, looking in stereo microscope at spores: Oh no, you won’t be able to see the hermaphrodites fully, they’re not sexually mature yet. [Dances around.]Student: Umm… Okay.
HS teacher with PhD, clapping hands: What you’ve got there is some sexually frustrated spores [keeps dancing, moves to next station, fiddles around with knobs] Ooh, ooh, your spores haven’t come yet, but they’ll look like mittens when they do.
[Student bursts into muffled laughing.]HS teacher with PhD: I know, aren’t spores fascinating? Are you laughing at my dancing?… Because biology just gets me so excited!

–Notre Dame Academy H.S., Staten Island

Train conductor: This is Atlantic Avenue. If you don't want to be left in the city get off now, if you are going to the city, buckle up… wooo hoooo!
Ghetto woman: This nigga lost his mind.
Ghetto child: Just like daddy?
Suit: Fucking morons! (walks off train)

–Q Train

Overheard by: Got Off On Atlantic

The ’40s Called, They Want Their Fad Back

Young daughter: Mom, is this salmon raw?
Mom: Yes, honey, most sushi is made of raw fish.
Young daughter: Can I eat my goldfish raw?

–Shiro restaurant, Glendale, Queens

Girl #1: Do you think I'm a loser?
Girl #2: What? No. Why?
Girl #1: I haven't gotten laid in like five months.
Girl #2: There's a guy traveling cross country to fuck you! I don't have that.
Girl #1: You got fucked by a porn star! More than once! And she wants to do it again!
Girl #2: We'll it's not like she's flying cross country just for that.
Girl #1: Have you asked her? She might.
Girl #2: Yeah right, I can't even get my girlfriend to come in from Jersey.
Girl #1: (pause) Ewww. Who wants to be in Jersey.

–Elephant & Castle, West Village

Conductor: This is a downtown C train making all stops. Spring Street, World Trade Center, we go there. We do all the stops. Get on this train! [Pause.] Hey, you, still on the platform — did you not hear what I said? Why didn’t you get on?
Man: I’m waiting for the A.
Conductor: I’m going wherever the A’s going. Get on my train!

–C train

NYU nerdy chick on cell: The oral is going to be super hard. …But I think I’ll be good at it.

–NYU

Overheard by: kat

Clerk, to female co-worker: I keep my meat to the side.

–Walgreens, Atlantic Ave

Girl: Bite and suck, bite and suck, bite and suck!

–Szechuan Restaurant

Overheard by: tallierand

Female customer to employee: …the gum that has the things in it. She likes to chew on the ones with the blue balls.

–Duane Reade, Fresh Meadows

Overheard by: evan FM

College sophomore: … So yeah, I said "Mom, stop rotating my pickle!"

–USA #1 Deli, La Salle & Broadway

Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze

Father to younger son: So you like second base right?

–Douglaston Market, Queens

Overheard by: Noelle

Man #1: You have a girlfriend?
Man #2: Yes.
Man #1: She knows you're gay?
Man #2: Yes.

–Financial District

JAP #1: Oh my god! I have such a crush on this guy, except he's not cute, at all.
JAP #2: So, you like his personality then?
JAP #1: No.
JAP #2: Oh.
JAP #1: He just has a really great fashion sense.

–Cosi, E 8th St

Large drunk tattooed man: So wha’s your story? You in school?
Kid next to him: Yes …
Large drunk tattooed man: Never went to school. Know why? Cuz I’m schizophrenic!
Man’s girlfriend: There you go again, sweetie. [apologetically] He means manic depressive.
Large drunk tattooed man: No, I do not, bitch! I’m schizophrenic!
Man’s girlfriend: Honey, the doctor told you you’re manic depressive.
Large drunk tattooed man: I’m schizophrenic, bitch! I see shit! I hear shit talk to me! I get pills! I don’t take ’em, but I get ’em! I! Am! Schizophrenic!
Man’s girlfriend: I am so tired of this argument …

–G Train

Overheard by: I really WOULDN’T argue such a point

Little girl: Daddy, daddy, will you buy me some Easter candy?
Father: No, sweetheart. We don’t celebrate Easter–we’re Jewish.
Little girl: But mommy buys me Easter candy!
Father: It’s not my fault your mother has abandoned her principles.

–Times Square