Wednesday One-Liners Didn’t Mean It Like That

NYU nerdy chick on cell: The oral is going to be super hard. …But I think I’ll be good at it.

–NYU

Overheard by: kat

Clerk, to female co-worker: I keep my meat to the side.

–Walgreens, Atlantic Ave

Girl: Bite and suck, bite and suck, bite and suck!

–Szechuan Restaurant

Overheard by: tallierand

Female customer to employee: …the gum that has the things in it. She likes to chew on the ones with the blue balls.

–Duane Reade, Fresh Meadows

Overheard by: evan FM

College sophomore: … So yeah, I said "Mom, stop rotating my pickle!"

–USA #1 Deli, La Salle & Broadway

Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze

Father to younger son: So you like second base right?

–Douglaston Market, Queens

Overheard by: Noelle

Posted on September 13, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Brooklyn, Clerks, Coworkers, Customers, Dads, Delis, Duane Reade, Education, Family Ties, Food, Girls, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Innuendo, NYU, Offers and requests, On Cell, Queens, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Store, Students, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Women, Words, Yeaaahhh College!

Alan Grows Out His Beard

Man #1: You have a girlfriend?
Man #2: Yes.
Man #1: She knows you're gay?
Man #2: Yes.

–Financial District

Posted on September 13, 2014
Default, Gays and Lesbians, Men, Questions, Relationships, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weirdness

Why Fag-Hags Exist.

JAP #1: Oh my god! I have such a crush on this guy, except he's not cute, at all.
JAP #2: So, you like his personality then?
JAP #1: No.
JAP #2: Oh.
JAP #1: He just has a really great fashion sense.

–Cosi, E 8th St

Posted on September 13, 2014
Beauty, Compliments, Default, Fashion, JAPs, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, The Village

Everyone Can See and Hear Tila Tequila

Large drunk tattooed man: So wha’s your story? You in school?
Kid next to him: Yes …
Large drunk tattooed man: Never went to school. Know why? Cuz I’m schizophrenic!
Man’s girlfriend: There you go again, sweetie. [apologetically] He means manic depressive.
Large drunk tattooed man: No, I do not, bitch! I’m schizophrenic!
Man’s girlfriend: Honey, the doctor told you you’re manic depressive.
Large drunk tattooed man: I’m schizophrenic, bitch! I see shit! I hear shit talk to me! I get pills! I don’t take ’em, but I get ’em! I! Am! Schizophrenic!
Man’s girlfriend: I am so tired of this argument …

–G Train

Overheard by: I really WOULDN’T argue such a point

Posted on September 13, 2014
Boyfriends, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Crazy, Drunks, Education, Girlfriends, Kids, Men, On the Subway, Questions, School and studying, Words

They Pull You in With Candy –Then, Bam, You’re a Sinner!

Little girl: Daddy, daddy, will you buy me some Easter candy?
Father: No, sweetheart. We don’t celebrate Easter–we’re Jewish.
Little girl: But mommy buys me Easter candy!
Father: It’s not my fault your mother has abandoned her principles.

–Times Square

Posted on September 12, 2014
Compare/Contrast, Dads, Default, Food, Gifts, Girls, Holidays, Judaism, Kids, Offers and requests, Questions, Times Square, Wishes & desires

Student Loans? I Hear Ya, Pal.

Young teenage boy to friend: Man, I fuckin' hate this job. I'd make more money bein' a drug dealer or somethin'.
Hobo: I used to think the same way as you.
Young teenage boy's friend: So you became a drug dealer and ruined your life?
Hobo: No, I fuckin' went to college and ruined my life.

–1 Train

Posted on September 12, 2014
Drugs, Friends, Gripes, Hobos, Homeless, Jobs & Careers, Money & Class, On the Subway, Questions, School and studying, Teens

Then I Guess “Grandma” Will Be Sufficient

Man: Hi.
Woman: Hey.
Man: What's your name? So I can tell our grandchildren we met on the C train!
(woman walks away)

–C Train

Overheard by: Jen

Posted on September 11, 2014
Default, Men, Names, On the Subway, Pick-up Lines, Questions, Women

Please Remain on the Line. Your Wednesday One-Liner Is Important to Us.

Usher: I will tell you once again: do not use your cell phone! I know how to wrestle!

–Theatre

Man: What kind of faggot has a 551 number?

–Cooper Union, Astor Place

Overheard by: a friend of mine does

Drunk Long Island girl: I don't know! I guess my phone was on lock or unlock or whatever, but my boobs must have called you!

–W 10th St

Overheard by: max

Blonde NYU ditz, looking at BlackBerry: Wait… what area code is 718? That's like really far away, right?

–Sullivan & Bleecker

Overheard by: i actually laughed at her

Conductor: This is the train to Ronkonkoma, also known as "ko, hip hip hey and away we go." When using cell phones, please, keep it quiet, 'cause no one really wants to know what you're talkin' about.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Goober

Posted on September 11, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Cell Phone, Clerks, Conductors, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Girls, Insults, Men, Names, NYC Geography, One-liners, Public Transportation, Questions, Rack, Sorority Girls, Street, Stupidity, The Village, Theater, Threats, Trains Not Subway, Union Square and East Village, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

What Would Anti-Semites Do without Wednesday One-Liners?

Modern orthodox girl: … And I was like, ‘Why should I be considerate? He doesn’t even keep kosher!’

–Barnard College

Overheard by: Considerate of non-shellfish eaters and shellfish eaters alike

Guy on cell: Well, I’m only Jewish by injection…

–82nd & Madison

Overheard by: I’m only Catholic because I took a pill…

Woman: I think I’m just too Jewish for yoga.

–Park Slope

20-ish girl on cell: I mean, Jesus Christ! The Jews in the RV just won’t leave me alone!

–St. Mark’s & Ave B

Overheard by: Also accosted by the mitzvah tank

Man on cell: How did I pull off that deal? I’m a Jew, and that means I have powers over money that a dumb goyim like you can only dream of. It’s like Jewish superhero powers. Just call me ‘Super Jew.’

–Near Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Lesbian Whisperer

Little boy: Uhhh, half New Yorkish and, uhhh, half Jewish — is that what I am, Mom? Half New Yorkish and half Jewish?

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Rosie

Posted on September 11, 2014
Columbia (& Barnard), Compare/Contrast, Default, Family Ties, Girls, God Squad, Gripes, Guys, Judaism, Kids, Madison Square Garden, On Cell, Park Slope, Questions, Rockefeller Center, Stupidity, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Women, Words

I Killed My Parents for the Same Reason

Older guy: This is classic Tupac before the gangsta rap.
High school girl: What you listenin’ to him for? He dead.

–31st & 7th

Headline by: Andrea

Runners-Up:
· “And Besides, His Grammar Is Sub-par” – Louis
· “John Edwards Radio: Dead Artists, Unfinished Buisness” – diana
· “My Anti-posthumousness Rule Also Applies to Literature. Shakespeare? Who Dat?” – Michelle
· “So? 3 Out Of 4 Americans Listen to That Jesus Guy!” – kh

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on September 11, 2014
Advice, Death, Girls, Guys, Headline Contest Winners, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Music, Questions, Street, Teens

Questions