Old lady to friend: You know who I feel sorry for? Yoko Ono.
–Central Park West
Female suit on cell: I once gave Carrot Top a massage.
–UCB Theater
Overheard by: Robert
Ghetto girl on cell: I know you ain't no Jay Leno and I don't speak Avatar!
–Fort Greene
Sober guy to drunk older guy: You know what you look like?? You look like a fucked-up Bobby Brown.
–3 Train
Woman at outdoor cafe: She's not that bad, she's more Snooki than Fran Drescher.
–Brooklyn
Overheard by: Rick
Girl: Lisa went down on me while I was on my period. I decided just to roll with it.
–Frying Pan Bar
Professor: Let's all go home and menstruate! My goal in this class is to get all of you on the same schedule.
–NYU
Overheard by: Leslie
Upscale female suit on cell: I'm totally on the rag, but you can still lick my asshole.
–Park Slope
Overheard by: The Trooper
Gay guy on cell: I'm so cranky, I feel like I'm a girl who's on her period and pregnant.
–Park Ave & 29th St
Big black guy, loudly on phone: Why you bitchin at me because I won't cleeeeen behind you? I'm not gonna clean your nasty period ass offa the toilet! (nearby people begin laughing) Bitch, even the people on the streets be laughing at you!
–123rd St & Manhattan Ave
Boy in car: Where are we going?
Mom: Shopping.
Boy, pointing at the first store he sees on the street: Let's go to Dress Barn!
Mom: No!
–Rego Park
Overheard by: Jasper
Employee to girl leaving gym: How was your workout?
Girl: I just made that machine my bitch!
–Varick St
Drunk girl to hipster boyfriend: How come my hair always gets stuck in your mustache?!
Boy: I don't have a mustache.
Drunk girl: You know what I meant, boy! A beard! My hair always gets caught on it! Do you ever get food in there? Or coffee? Do you get a little sick if you sleep with a wet mustache? (pause) Oh, I'm just messing… (laughs at herself) but I hope you've been washing that thing with shampoo and conditioner every day!
–West Village
Girl #1, touching bamboo sculpture: Rose, how do you think they're gonna get this down?
Girl #2: I dunno, untie it?
Girl #1: But I mean… Are they gonna, like, move it to a warehouse or, like, incinerate it? That's super not ecologically sound.
Girl #2: Um…
Girl #1: Fuck! They should just put pandas up here. Like a shit-ton of pandas. One, pandas eat bamboo. B, it would get the job done fast and all that would be left is the rope. Three, the more pandas eat, the stronger they get; the stronger they get, the more they bone, and then they're less endangered. Four, it would be really cute on the news, and… Five? Dude, pandas!
Girl #2: Are you high?
Girl #1: I've just had a Riesen.
–Roof Garden, The Met
Subway philosopher: What's that?
Asian girl with Nintendo: A game.
Subway philosopher: A game? Ha! You want to hear the biggest game of all? Marriage. You heard of Grand Theft Auto? Grand Theft Marriage–you get a car and a house.
–Uptown F Train
Overheard by: Isabella
Blond son: Mom, is the Statue of Liberty a boy or a girl?
Mom: Well, what do you think it looks like?
Blond son: I think it's a boy. It looks like a boy.
–Ferry to Statue of Liberty
Overheard by: Jaclyn
Girl on cell: You have a mini what? Stalker? (pause) Do you mean "mini" like a little person? Or like only partial stalking?
–Park Ave & 77th St
Woman to friend: No wonder that guy is stalking you! You told him everywhere you were going!
–Astor Place
Overheard by: sarah
Suit on cell: Yeah, yeah, hold on a minute. I gotta cross the street to stalk this girl.
–Times Square
Overheard by: creeped out
Mother to daughter, indignantly: No, it's not stalking! It's called being resourceful.
–16th St & 9th Ave
Suit on cell: Yeah, we'll be whoring ourselves out. But that's what we do.
–53rd St & Broadway
Overheard by: I wish I got a bailout.
20-something suit: Beating a redneck at beer pong while wearing a suit is the classiest thing ever.
–79th St & Broadway
Overheard by: next victim
Suit: Ahahahaha! Haha! Ahhh. Fuck everyone.
–7th Ave
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Suit on cell: C'mon, man, it's only 300 grand.
–45th St & Lexington
Overheard by: Kári Emil Helgason
Fat suit to hottie: Hey! I have money! (hottie walks on by) Really! I do! (she doesn't stop) Fuck it. You don't care. But I do!
–3rd Ave & 13th St
Overheard by: Bruce Lee
Old suit to another, both laughing: I owe money, but not my money… other people's money!
–60th St & Lexington
Overheard by: J
