Questions

If You Have Unprotected Sex, You May Hear the Pitter-Patter of Tiny Treats

Blond guy: Hey dude, last week I was sooo drunk.
Brown haired guy: Oh what happened?
Blond guy: I was at a bar, right? Pissed drunk. Then I saw this hot girl, took her over to my place and she slept over. We had a great time until we woke up, and the bed was covered in like sixty individually wrapped Kinder chocolates. I have no idea where they came from, neither one of us were German! They were just all over the bed. ’til this day, I still don’t know where they came from…
Brown haired: Wow.

–74th St Deli

Overheard by: Stephanie

That’s When I Realized He Was a Robot

Young hipster professional: …I mean, you’ve seen the signs, right? “If you see something, say something”? …So I ran to the conductor’s car at the next stop and said, “Hey, there’s a really suspicious guy in the second car, he’s acting strange”.
Girlfriend: Oh my god! What did he say?
Young hipster professional: He said, “Stand clear of the closing doors.”

–6 Train

Can We Do That?

[At a Thurston Moore solo show]Girl in front of crowd: Thurston, who are you going to vote for?
Thurston Moore: The black dude or the chick. … Actually, fuck ’em all.

–Knitting Factory

Ohioans Have Accents?

Comedy guy: I like your accent. Where you from?
Tourist: Ohio.
Comedy guy: You sound disappointed.
Tourist: Have you ever been to Ohio?
Comedy guy: Good point.

–41st & Broadway

In My Defense, You Are a Very Sir-able Ma’am

Lead singer of The Stitch Ups: What’s your name, sir?
Audience member: Samantha.
Lead singer of The Stitch Ups: Holy shit!

–Blender Theater, Gramercy

Overheard by: we thought she was a dude, too…

A Garland’s Still a Step Up from a Noose, Though

Woman #1: So our department keeps talking about how much they are trying to promote diversity and understanding of others, but get this, two weeks ago they put up garlands over the door! Like, that is so disrespectful to other religions! It gets better though, the next day they put up a plug-in menorah –somebody must have complained.
Woman #2: Oh…
Woman #1: You’re not going to believe this though, just the other day they took down the menorah. How can they be so ignorant of other religions?
Woman #2: Well… Chanukah’s over.

–120th & Amsterdam

And Filmed It for the Kids

Male student orientation leader: Hi, did you masturbate today?
Female student orientation leader: Yes, I did!

–Orientation, Baruch College

I’ve Been Thinking About Getting Out of Mental Illness, Anyway

[A crazy man is running back and forth on the sidewalk and uses a blonde girl to ‘hide’ behind.]Blonde: Excuse you!
Crazy man: What, you got a problem?!
Blonde, firmly: Yes. Could you stop being a weirdo around me?
Crazy man: Oh… Sorry. [He then proceeded to walk normally to the crosswalk.]

–57th & 9th

Overheard by: Not around me either

We Should Stop Hanging Around in Trees

Girl #1: You know how lemmings commit mass suicide?
Girl #2: Yeah, so?

–10th & 1st

You Guys Are Like the Gay Abbott and Costello

[Heading towards the restaurant “Good”.]Gay guy #1: Where are we going again?
Gay guy #2: It’s “Good”.
Gay guy #1: What’s good?
Gay guy #2: The name of the restaurant we’re going to.
Gay guy #1: I asked you what it was.
Gay guy #3: Oh, we are so not doing this…

–The Village

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