Religion

Wednesday One-Liners: Guaranteed to Rot Your Teeth.

20-something women in yoga gear, simultaneously: It was like a blessing in cake form.

–Astor Place

Girl: I'm too single to eat a brownie.

–NYU Library

Guy on cell: Soft Serve is so good, you will step in dog poop and not even care!

–14th St b/w 7th & 8th

Serious guy on his way out of restaurant, to girl: So all we need are aspirin and Skittles.

–Angelo's Pizza

Assertive little boy in shopping cart seat, grabbing mom's face: I want to buy a chocolate croissant and eat it. Do you understand what I'm saying?

–Food Coop, Park Slope

Overheard by: Jenny

Obviously Reformed

A Gentile Yuppie: I once dated a Rabbi’s daughter, in the Hamptons. I went to a family barbeque, and he asked me, ‘Do you want cheese on your hamburger?’ and I thought, ‘Ah–this is a moment of truth–one of those key moments in a relationship, where the family will judge me–what should I say?’ and I said, ‘Yes, I would’–and then the Rabbi responded, ‘Great! Then Cheese for Everybody!'”

— Bar Tabac, Boerum Hill, Brooklyn

Elsewhere: Wednesday One-liners

Teen boy: “Romanian”? What’s that, Italian?

–N train

It’s Taking Him Forever to Learn His Haftarah

Jappy highschool queen bee to Starbucks guy wearing earrings: Are those real diamonds?
Twentysomething African-American Starbucks guy: No.
Jappy highschool queen bee: Awwww I’ll mail you some real ones for your Bar Mitzvah, okay?

–Stabrucks, 78th & Lex

But I Appreciate Your Awkward Attempt at Bridge-Building

Indian woman: Are you Jewish?
White woman: Yes.
Indian woman: My neighbor in Pennsylvania was Jewish. She was a lovely woman.
White woman: There are all kinds.

–12th St & Prospect Park West

Overheard by: Bemused Brooklynite

Guess That Explains the Cloven Hoofs

White girl to boyfriend: I want to go to my father's country one day…I want to go where my father was born…Hades.
Boyfriend: Where?
White girl: Hades, I wanna go to Hades where my father was born…you know, that little island in the Dominican Republic?

–PATH

Jesus: Not Just for Pale, Hairy People

Woman: Yo, I just saw somethin really racist.
Man: What?
Woman: There was a sign in the subway that said “Jesus for Jews, Jews for Jesus.”
Man: Oh, that’s a religous group. Haven’t you ever heard of Jews for Jesus?
Woman: That shit’s racist! Jesus for everybody. Jesus for people of all colors!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Steph

That Dude Was So Hung Up on Rome

Girl on cell: Well you know, when in Rome. Who said that, was it Jesus? I think it was Jesus.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Nathalie

At Least the Alphabet Answers Me

Older sister leading younger brother to sanctuary rail before mass: Now, you kneel down and you pray. Fold your hands like this (demonstrates) and now we pray. (begins murmuring “Our Father”)
Little brother (eyes sister anxiously, begins softly singing): A, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l…
Older sister: Are you praying?

–Jerome Ave & Morris Ave

Make Sure You Don’t Spill His “Thetans”

Girl: Do you know if Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will have a Scientology themed wedding?…I wonder what that would be like?
Guy: You probably kneel down on the altar after the vows, suck L. Ron Hubbard’s cock, and then pay him for it.

–L train

Overheard by: Aaron Booth

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