How Many Weight Watchers Points Are in a Wednesday One-Liner?

Young man: You're fat because you need to release. Look at me, that's why I'm slim and sexy. I beat off every day.

–Prospect Heights, Brooklyn

Salesgirl to salesgirl friend: I wanna thank you for taking the time to repeatedly hit me in my arm fat and make it jiggle.

–Henri Bendel

Overheard by: Stephan Dion

Professor to class of girls: You guys are all thin (looks around classroom and notices there are some fat girls) …mostly.

–Fashion Institute of Technology

Suit to another: All I'm trying to say is, she's not tall enough for her weight.

–Uptown 6 Train

Overheard by: ednapontellier

Black girl: Fat people can do splits because they have no bones.

–Pizza Place, St. Mark's Place

Five-year-old to very overweight man while waiting for Thanksgiving Day parade: Are you one of the balloons?

–Broadway & 50th St

Overheard by: Peter

Posted on July 5, 2019
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Clerks, College, Compare/Contrast, Diet/Weight, Fat People, Fitness, Friends, Girls, Height, Kids, Masturbation, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On the Subway, One-liners, Physical appearance, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Store, Students, Stupidity, Suits, Teachers/Professors, Union Square and East Village, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Freshly-Minted Wednesday One-Liners

Annoying Jersey girl on cell: I'm not frugal. I'm, like, not frugal with a vengeance. I, like, refuse to consider money.

–19th & 8th

Overheard by: Hobo

Columbia University administrator: It gets difficult to manage finances as your endowment reaches the size of the GDP of a small country.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Senatore

Bike messenger (yelling): Could anybody spare $50,000?

–6th Ave & 20th St

Overheard by: thiess

Man: I mean, what does does she *really* get out of riding a five thousand dollar scooter?

–Outside Think Coffee

Overheard by: nemily

Suit on cell: You see, the thing with money counters is they jam…and when you are in a roomful of illiterate afghans, there's 8 million on the table and they mistrust you.

–Mercer & Grand

Professor: I bet none of you wrote that in your admissions essay. "I want money." Actually, that might be successful. They might think, "hey, that's pretty cool, they're telling the truth."

–NYU Law

Posted on May 8, 2019
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, B & T, Cars and Driving, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Girls, Guys, Jobs & Careers, Men, Money & Class, NYU, Offers and requests, On Cell, One-liners, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Soho, Street, Suits, Teachers/Professors, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

CIA: We’ve Really Missed Having You As an Enemy!

Test-taker: What happens if we don’t know our social security number?
Proctor, in thick Russian accent: Then we dismiss your test and eat you alive!

–Edward R. Murrow High, Brooklyn

Overheard by: melanie

Posted on April 20, 2019
Education, Questions, School, Students, Teachers/Professors, Threats

Points For Creative Inanity

Young English teacher, showing class movie of Greek tragedy Agamemnon: Does anyone else think that Agamemnon kinda looks like the Burger King King?
Student: Well, there goes my grade.

–Stuyvesant High

Posted on March 6, 2019
Compare/Contrast, Education, Film, Junk Food & Fast Food, Physical appearance, Pop Culture, Students, Stuyvesant, Teachers/Professors, Theater & Dance

Wednesday One-Liners Looked Better in the Previews

Husky unshaved guy to younger girlfriend: You mean you never saw Animal House? You're not human!

–Lower West Side

Thug to another: Jabba the Hutt? That's like some Tony Soprano shit, nigga. And the spices? That's drugs. Star Wars drugs!

–13th St & University

Overheard by: Jaimie

Girl to friends: My English teacher said Precious is "whack."

–City Cinemas, E 86th St

Stuffy Bulgarian professor: Do you guys know the film Soul Plane? It's very funny, right?

–NYU

Overheard by: really glad I got up before 9:30 for this

Girl on cell: Yeah, after that movie, I'm gonna think all adopted kids are evil dwarfs with a hormone imbalance.

–Columbus Circle

Posted on January 24, 2019
All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Couples, Drugs, Film, Friends, Girlfriends, Girls, Handicaps, Health and Hygiene, Kids, Movie Theaters, Movies, NYU, On Cell, One-liners, Street, Teachers/Professors, The Village, Thugs, TV, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Words

Because People Who Are Good at Math Are Always the Slowest to Catch On

Student #1: How could you throw a ball 520 meters? That's like half a mile!
Student #2 (from back of room): You know what else is half a mile?
(students all laugh)
Teacher: What? How come everyone got it except for me?

–Bronx HS of Science

Overheard by: Lillian

Posted on January 4, 2019
Bronx Science, Compare/Contrast, Height, Penis, Questions, Sex, Sports, Students, Teachers/Professors, The Bronx

What About Janet Reno Then, Smart Guy?

Student: Yes, but I feel that Robert was a boy while Mr Pontellier was a man.
Professor: Hm, yes, but I'm going to argue that they both had penises and were therefore both men.

–Queens College

Posted on December 31, 2018
Age/Aging, Compare/Contrast, Penis, Queens College, School and studying, Students, Teachers/Professors

Ask Me about the Three-Hour Orgasms Some Time

Professor: When I try to remember the last time I felt chaos around me, I can only think of September 11th. Were you guys around for that?
Student: You must do a lot of yoga.
Professor: Actually, I do.

–Eugene Lang College, the New School