Kid yelling: What are we doing after dinner? [Parents ignore him] What are we doing after dinner?!
Mom, calmly: Stop yelling, or I’ll have to kill you.
–10th St, between Broadway & University
Overheard by: Calling the Morgue
Kid yelling: What are we doing after dinner? [Parents ignore him] What are we doing after dinner?!
Mom, calmly: Stop yelling, or I’ll have to kill you.
–10th St, between Broadway & University
Overheard by: Calling the Morgue
Father carrying plastic pitchfork: Fuck that. Fuck that, bitch! Fuck that!
Mother in disheveled wildcat costume to crying son: It’s okay, baby. You’re not in trouble. Daddy and I are just arguing.
Father: Yeah, fuck you, Mommy. Yo, fuck that. Yo, Daddy is leavin’. Daddy is gone, boy.
Mother: It’s okay, baby.
Father to son: Shut the fuck up, faggot bitch! [Turns to mother] Don’t turn my son against me, bitch!
–24th St & 9th Ave
Suit #1: Dude, she’s pregnant.
Suit #2: Holy shit. No way. What are you gonna do?
Suit #1: I have no idea.
Suit #2: You have to make her have an abortion.
Suit #1: It’s her decision; I can’t make her have an abortion.
Suit #2: Dude, you’re an attorney — you can make her do anything you want. And if she doesn’t agree, you know there are ways to threaten her into doing it.
Suit #1, in amazement: Where the hell did you go to law school?
–53rd & Lex
Overheard by: I hope he didn’t pass Legal Ethics
Irate quasi-thug on cell: Do you value your life? Do you want to die? No, I ain’t threatenin’ you. You can’t play with a man’s emotions like that. No. Do you want to die? I’m just asking… Do you want to die? I– [second party hangs up].
–Metro-North
Overheard by: Mikey G
Crazy crackhead: I am not your average crackhead — I will kill you!
–Lenox & 118th
Lady: And the rest are buried in the… front lawn.
–Columbus Park
Overheard by: Bitch that shit ain’t right!
Puerto Rican guy: I don’t have to! The only thing I have to do is be Puerto Rican and die, because you know I don’t pay taxes!
–R train
Irish construction worker: I’m telling you, she had a clit like a dead turkey’s neck.
–LIRR to Huntington
Overheard by: Laffer
Checkout lady: If anyone tries to get in line behind you, kill ’em.
–Costco, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Nerd to another: It’s better to just fake your own death and live your life on an island somewhere.
–Broadway & Duane
Overheard by: Ronzoni
Nu-metal kid: Man, I haven’t been arrested in so long!
–St. Mark’s Place & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Barrie
Teen boy commandeering speaker: Next stop: Riker’s Island.
–Uptown 1 train
Overheard by: Victoria
Black tranny to another: Honey, that’s the worst thing you can be called up in jail!
–Christopher & Greenwich St.
Overheard by: Walking away even faster
Ghetto mom on phone: If you report it they’ll have to arrest the both of us.
–Cablevision office, Brooklyn
Middle-aged wankster: Yo, I rubbed ‘Get Money Oil’ on my apron one time, and that week I got fired from fuckin’ three jobs and I got fuckin’ arrested! Don’t fuckin’ mess with witchcraft!
–Coldstone, 6th Avenue
Overheard by: rpk
Old teacher: Teaching tenth grade isn’t so bad. By that time the rotten ones don’t bother to show up or they’re already in jail.
–E train
Overheard by: jobee
White, mid-40s nerd petting dog: You know, I think it’s really funny how a guy can pet a dog and everyone thinks he’s the nicest guy in the world, but the second he does it to a stranger on the street, they wanna lock him in jail.
–Marquet Cafe, E 12th St.
Overheard by: Grace
Woman: So he wakes up trippin’ in the middle of the night, telling me to go get him a gun.
–Queens Blvd & 82nd Ave, Queens
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
Conductor: This is an express train. Express. Express. Express. No Fordham, no Bronx. Express, express, express. Well…I wanna shoot myself!
–Metro North train
Overheard by: Jeff
Man: Hey baby, nice body … Get fat and I’ll shoot ya.
–Classon Ave & Lafayette Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: sheila
Hobo: My grandma isn’t here anymore to send me to the store to buy her a Colt 45, but I can still love Jesus!
–Uptown 3 train
Overheard by: jane shields
Ghetto guy: Man, my boy just got shot!
–Stanton St & Orchard St
Overheard by: Kris
Thug: A gun? You gotta shoot that bitch with a crossbow.
–L train, Lorimer Ave
Man, boarding downtown E: This is the downtown E?
Woman: Yes.
Man: You sure?
Woman: I’m positive.
Man: Aight, ’cause if those numbers start gettin’ bigger, yo head gonna get bigger, bitch.
–E train, 42nd St
Overheard by: Ivan
Guy on cell: I don’t know, now she won’t sleep in the bedroom ’cause of the mobster, and she needs a ride to the Hamptons.
–7th & Ave A
Overheard by: Analt
Guy: He’ll be here in another twenty minutes. He’s sleeping in the back of a car.
–74th & 2nd
Overheard by: Wendy
Teenage girl: I know it’s so wrong, but I’m seriously lusting for luxury cars. I just want to lick them. I want to hump those leather seats!
–WTC Path station
Overheard by: Carine
Suburban boy: Oh my God, driving in the city is most fun thing in the entire world!
–Downtown R train
Overheard by: confused
Man: I had a bad night tonight. I stole a car, got two tickets. I shouldn’t-a stole that car.
–Bodega, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Flasteppi
Drunk guy on cell: If you don’t have my money by 12 tomorrow, I’m gonna get your mother’s car and your sister’s car…I still love your sister, too, but you better have my money.
–Union Turnpike-Kew Gardens E/F station
Young woman: Where did all these cars come from? New York doesn’t have cars.
–35th & 5th
Overheard by: Frank & Alex
Guy #1: I told you how he threatened me, didn’t I? He said he wanted to knife me and then sodomize me.
Guy #2: Man, your high school was fucked up.
–12th & B
Overheard by: Neckbeard
Man on crowded train: If my mother were here, I’d sit on her lap.
–Downtown A train
Overheard by: not his mother
Amateur anthropologist: It’s not incest unless it’s, like, your brother.
–E 72nd
Mom, to teenage son: Darling, sweetie, love of my life, I’ve accepted that you’re gay, haven’t I? And there’s a lot more that I’m willing to accept. But if there is one thing I’m not ok with, it’s flat-ironing my son’s hair. Ask your sister.
–Uptown 6 train
Woman on cell: You did what?…Why the fuck would you do that?…Yeah, I know he’s your cousin, but you didn’t have to tell him that I slept with his brother. I was going to tell him…When?…After we got married!!
–13th & University
Girl, digging through purse: Shit, I think my cousin robbed me.
–Urban Outfitters, Bleecker & Broadway
Overheard by: intern
Screaming woman: I’m not in your house; I’m in the middle of the street! Stop making fun of my grandmother!
–W 139th St, 2 a.m.
Overheard by: Isha
Girl on cell: I don’t look at him like a father; I look at him like the man who gave birth to me.
–Port Authority
Overheard by: Cat
