Wednesday One-Liners Hang Weird Shit on Their Mirrors

Cab driver, getting cut off: Yeah, drive like you want that cheeseburger!

–Columbus Circle

Cabbie: I got in some trouble and my wife threw all my clothes out of the house. I never realized how many clothes I have! I know New York streets better than my own closet! (laughs)

–Cab, Broadway & Houston

Cab driver to colleague who just honked after he stopped for a pedestrian: What, you want me to kill him?

–Battery Park

Middle Eastern cab driver: I used to have a video store in Washington Heights. But the black bastard put me out of business! Can you believe it? After ten years the black bastard put me out of business! Do you now the black bastard on Dyckman? C'mon! Everybody knows the back bastard! Black bastard! Black bastard video!

–Cab, Washington Heights

Overheard by: Gene Gray

Cab driver: When you drive for ten hours a day, you learn that over 50% of drivers are, how do you say it…stupid.

–Queens

Overheard by: Fiasco

Posted on June 15, 2020
All Wednesday One-Liners, Battery Park, Cabbies, Cars and Driving, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Coworkers, Jobs & Careers, Junk Food & Fast Food, Laughter, Marriage, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murder, NYC Geography, One-liners, Queens, Soho, Street, Stupidity, Time, Washington Heights and Inwood, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

You Make a Persuasive Case

Chick to friends: Where should we go for my birthday drinks?
Drunk chick, passing by: I want to go to your birthday drinks!
Chick: Um, I don't know you.
Drunk chick: But you wanna know me! (proceeds to vomit)

–42nd St & 10th Ave

Posted on June 10, 2020
Birthdays, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Friends, Girls, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Vomit, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Raise Your Hand If You Want to Buy This Dude a Beer

Tourist man to tourist wife: Look at that sign: “No honking, $350 fine.”
Sane-looking New Yorker: It's unreal, isn't it, how the government continues to discriminate against geese? No justice, no peace.

–5th Ave & 13th St

Overheard by: Richard Nixon

Posted on June 3, 2020
Couples, Government, Money & Class, Tourists, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

Ugh, I’d Prefer the AIDS

Russki #1: You can have my girlfriend.
Russki #2: I don’t want your girlfriend, she has AIDS.
Russki #1: Use a condom.

–Staten Island

Overheard by: R

Posted on May 29, 2020
Advice, AIDS, Condoms, Default, Eurotrash, Relationships, Staten Island, Weirdness

That's the Last Time I Buy an Invisibility Cloak at Forever 21

Man, almost bumping into hobo: Oh, excuse me.
Hobo: What!? You can see me!?
Man: Yes.
Hobo: Fuck! My invisibility wore off!

–120th & Amsterdam

Posted on May 21, 2020
Apologies, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hobos, Homeless, Men, Questions, Weirdness

She Understands Accessories

Man in paper hat, leather jacket covered in soda can tabs, and poofy skirt over jeans: She comes in and she comes home and breaks my heart, and the worst part is that I don’t understand her language. I’m better off with… [Steps back to peer at magazine a girl is reading] I’m better off with that one. What’s her name? Turn the page back one. Yeah, her. Tyra? Tyra. I’m better off with Tyra.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Brownsvillegirl

Posted on May 14, 2020
Crazy, Default, Language Barrier, Names, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

The Coolest Part Is, She Can Make It Smile.

Drunk girl on corner, to friend coming out of McDonald's: Did you go pee?
Drunk girl coming out of McDonald's: Yep.
Drunk girl on corner: Vagina happy?
Drunk girl coming out of McDonald's: Vagina happy!

–Fulton St. & Gold St.

Overheard by: the fundamental question

Posted on May 10, 2020
Drunks, Girls, Happiness, Pee, Questions, Vagina, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weirdness

The Pitter-Patter of Tiny Wednesday One-Liners

Young boy: Fuck school! When I’m old enough, I’m just going to stay home and make babies.

–1 Train

College professor: Everything that is wrong in this world can be traced back to babies.

–40th & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Just Trying to Smoke in Peace

Girl on phone: I’m going to have to cancel for a few different reasons. First, the baby hasn’t gotten all her shots. And more importantly, there’s something pecking through my wall! I’m really freaked out!

–Bleecker and Lafayette

Woman with three kids, after watching the eldest push the middle to the ground: What are you pushing him down for? Are you trying to upset my stomach so I lose this baby inside me?

–St Marks Place, Staten Island

Girl on cell: Well if she likes to have babies so much, why don’t she just be a … doctor!

–52nd & 7th

Professor: 42-year-old babies don’t have bones.

–Schenectady County Community College

Posted on May 2, 2020
Advice, Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Babies, College, Education, Fears, Girls, Home, Sweet Home, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Not New York, On Cell, On the Subway, Philosophy, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Questions, School and studying, Sex, Staten Island, Teachers/Professors, The Village, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Two Leading Causes of Injury for the Married Man

Customer: I could use that cane. I pulled my hamstring last night.
Bartender: Doing what, changing diapers?
Customer: No, having sex with myself.

–Bar, 78th & 1st

Posted on May 1, 2020
Bars & Clubs, Bartenders, Customers, Drinking & Drunk People, Health and Hygiene, Stupidity, Weirdness

How Much Is That Wednesday One-Liner in the Window?

Man eating brunch to male friend: We both came out seven years ago. We are puppy gay in dog years.

–Big Daddy’s Diner

Overheard by: Morgan

Very loving mom talking to daughter about her son: Hey! He is not an animal, he is not a dog. Well, at least not today!

–Hell’s Kitchen

Outraged woman to man: What? No! Do not put the dog in the furnace, Ted!

–Court Street

Chick with cigarette, on cell: … Leathery fetish dog-masks, or just Halloween style dog-masks?

–Outside Tagine, 40th & 9th

Overheard by: Ladle

Philosophical suit: The only reason I haven’t divorced my wife is because of the dog.

–Upper East Side

Posted on April 29, 2020
All Wednesday One-Liners, Breaking Up, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Marriage, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On Cell, Queer guys, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, S&M, Smokers & Smoking, Suits, Time, Upper East Side, We Love Our Pets, Weirdness, Women

Weirdness