All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Cast the First Stone

Girl: I don’t think “Keep your legs closed” is part of Catholic mass.

–Elevator, Brooklyn Law School dorm

Guy on cell: That’s because I’m not a sinner…Well, I don’t consider that a sin.

–50th & 7th

Overheard by: Proud Sinner

Man: If hell had a bathroom, this would be it.

–LIRR bathroom, Penn Station

Passenger: This is the train to hell–and we’re in the first car!

–L train, passing 1st Ave without stopping

Overheard by: Ciara&Andrea

Girl on cell: It’s not selling your soul to the devil if it pays the rent.

–Starbucks, 110th & Broadway

Overheard by: M. Nofier

Heathen: I’m worried because we’re going to Burning Man, which, you know, is not church camp.

–Rope, Myrtle between Clinton & Vanderbilt, Brooklyn

Overheard by: our lady mess

Young queer: The Jesus man touched me funny!

–36th & 6th

Overheard by: He touched me too

Wednesday One-Liners Always Thought Slim Goodbody Was Hot

Woman: You better get that uvula home soon!

–Brooklyn bound F train

Overheard by: PoisonIvy

Cracked-Out queer, holding US Weekly: Mmmmmm, Ashlee lookin’ good! You know why? Whole lotta crack in her belly!

–1 train

Guy: So they took out my spleen and rummaged through my internal organs…

–1 train

Overheard by: sara n.

Woman on cell: I can’t believe it; your brain muscle must be telepathetic or something!

–18th & Park

Overheard by: edward

Vendor: What if they test it and find that it’s from his ear?!

–Wooster & Broome

Professor: My favorite magazine is one for undertakers. It’s called Caskets and Sunnyside. You can order ears. Right ears, left ears; there’s a market for them.

–Fordham

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Chick on cell: Wait, your uterus is what? What? Your uterus is what?! I’m on the street. I can’t hear–Oh, tilted! That’s totally fucked up. I’m sorry.

–23rd & 6th

Wednesday One-Liners Prefer to Be Called ‘Rubenesque’

Girl on cell: Oh my God, my love handles are out of control. When I was getting ready tonight, my fat got caught in my zipper.

–49th & 2nd

Overweight girl: Guys don’t know what they’re missing. There’s some fine pussy under this gut!

–Queens College

Overheard by: Jimbob Watson

Old Italian woman: If I die fat, whatever. Just as long as I make everyone else fat before I go, that’s fine. They can diet after I’m gone. Just keep my recipes is all I’m sayin’, ya know?

–14th & 7th

Overheard by: Dennis

Guy: There should be more laws about people on planes. I once had to sit next to this really fat guy. He was so unapologetic about it! The rogue fat was spilling onto me.

–G train

Shrewd observer, commenting on NYU freshmen: They’re so ugly, and a lot of them haven’t started smoking yet so they’re really fat.

–St. Mark’s & 3rd

Little girl to large woman at paper towel dispenser: I didn’t get any, stupid fat lady!

–Women’s restroom, Shea Stadium

Overheard by: Robyn Z

Art student: You ever seen a fat guy fall on a car? Like, the car just happened to be there?

–Pratt Institute, Brooklyn

Overheard by: TeN22

Four Wednesday One-Liners and a Funeral

Guy on cell: I swear, I told you beforehand. I told you I was married.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Nicole and Caitlin

Five-year-old: Daddy, how come you ask all those women if they’re married?

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: Caroline McGraw

Woman: I cannot wait ’til the wedding is over so I can go off this fucking diet!

–51st & 6th

Overheard by: jpnyc

Female suit: It’s a funeral, not a wedding, you baboon. Bring your own sandwich.

–59th & 10th

Overheard by: marie

Wednesday One-Liners Are Stupid. There. We Said It.

Woman on cell: When you assume, you make an ass of yourself.

–4th Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Mark

Hipster: Yo, what’s up with Filene’s Basement? That shit’s on the top floor!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer

Tourist: Is that the Enron building?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Robyn

Tourist to security guard: Are these all originals?

–Impressionist Gallery, the Met

Overheard by: j-diddy

Female tourist: I could never live in Central America because I’d miss the ocean.

–Restaurant bathroom, Little Italy

Overheard by: Olia

Girl looking at subway map: What about that thing, that star–“You are here”? They don’t have that?

–(Moving) uptown 1 train, 59th St

Overheard by: Jo

White hipster girl: Is black semen black?

–86th & Park

Sir Mix-a-Lot Likes Wednesday One-Liners (And He Cannot Lie)

Museum patron: Tell me the story again about what happened to my bottom?

–Cafeteria, the Met

Woman to misbehaving child: Jamillah Fatima! Do not make me have to make the love connection to your behind on the C train!

–Brooklyn bound C train

Overheard by: ryan

Girl: Man, it’s hotter that 50 butt cracks in here!

–American Apparel, N 6th St, Williamsburg

Idle dreamer: Man…I wish I had, like, 59 butts.

–Apple Store, 5th Ave

Overheard by: i still sell the iPods

Walking VD: I told her straight up I only like her for her ass!

–Kissena Blvd & 71st Ave, Queens

Teen boy: I’m gonna spread your booty cheeks.

–108th & Manhattan

Overheard by: N

Man: Shit, I’ll eat a pig’s ass if they fry it right.

–471 Lincoln Place, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Michael O’Connor

Wednesday One-Liners Make the Cover of People

Tween boy: Then Tom Cruise and Will Smith get married and have babies.

–74th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Rachel

3 year old: Ahhh, my mouth is on fire! My mouth is on fire! Help me, Tom Cruise!

–89th & Broadway

Overheard by: Alex

Man to girlfriend: Shit, I like that Martha Stewart. She a gangsta in disguise.

–Kmart, Astor Place

Guy: He is like the L. Ron Hubbard of Teach for America.

–Lenny’s, 77th & 2nd

Overheard by: Rebecca

Crazy guy: You fuckers don’t deserve to be here! John Lennon died for peace and tolerance! Get the fuck out of here, queers! John died for peace and humanity!

— 72nd & Central Park West

Overheard by: emily

Chick on cell: Yeah, he wouldn’t watch my kid last night because he was hanging out with Wilmer Valderrama.

–1st Ave between 12th & 13th

Hobo: Betty Boop killed Martin Luther King!

–1 train

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Wednesday One-Liners Say Shabbat Shalom

Confused shiksa: I don’t know, he was either Jewish or Polish or something…He had on that little beanie, you know?

–Gate 5, Delta Terminal, JFK

Asian chick: I like you because I can say all this ignorant Jewish stuff, and you know what I’m talking about.

–Dallas BBQ, 23rd & 8th

Overheard by: McFreaky

Guy on cell: No it’s all going to be fine. We already locked up the rabbi.

–PATH train

Overheard by: He didn’t even look like Mel Gibson…

Black guy #1 to black guy #2: Jews for Jesus? What kind of racist shit is that, Negro?

–Subway tunnel, Times Square

Overheard by: Cameron H.

Hipster: I was at a Klan meeting when I found out I was Jewish. I just about hung myself.

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Nial

Chick: They were either Orthodox Jews or Rocky Horror fanatics.

–11th & 2nd

Overheard by: Saran Wrap

Egyptian dude: See, other people in the Middle East do not really hate Jews. We are very similar to Jews, actually. Egyptians and Palestinians and Lebanese and Israelis, all of us make lots of deli foods that have lots of spices and names that are fun to say…And if you are Egyptian, the war does not mean so much. If you grew up there, you grew up with the giant pyramids. You know the pyramids? Yes, well you can see them from the city, and you think “Who built those? Slaves. Who did they build them for? Dead people.” And then things like wars do not bother you so much.

–Pita Pan, 1st St & 7 Ave, Brooklyn

Wednesday Fuckin’ One-Liners, Dude

Guy on cell: Yo, did you get me my plane ticket? I need to fuck this guy up and get the hell out of here.

–MacDougal St

Overheard by: Lauren

Metro NY guy: Take the fuckin’ paper!

–42nd & Vanderbilt

Overheard by: didn’t take the fuckin’ paper

Hipster boyfriend to hipster girlfriend: You can go fuck, fuck, fuck yourself, and I don’t fucking care, you fuck.

–Bleecker & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Patty K.

Guy on cell: Fucking? Are you Fucking?…Beating off?…What’s that sound?…I don’t know; I’m out of guesses!

–14th & 5th

Overheard by: Thompson

Construction worker, building a new school: So we fucked it up. It’s Friday anyway. I don’t have to look at it no more.

–35th St & 35th Ave, Astoria

Overheard by: Jillian B.

Suit: And now she wants to be involved in my strategic planning initiative? Fuck her!

–Rockefeller Plaza

Overheard by: Brendan Rogak

Little girl, receiving a stuffed frog from her parents: Fucking frog!!

–122nd & Amsterdam

Overheard by: frog-waiting-to-be-kissed

Wednesday One-Liners Ask: You Eating That?

JAP: Ew! I think the turkey in this salad is ham.

–30th & 7th

Overheard by: AJ Stone

Sparkling conversationalist: I couldn’t eat for a while. It destroyed my appetite, and it totally killed the tapeworm. So tonight I can eat a good amount, but not a tapeworm amount.

–Lafayette between 4th & Astor

Overheard by: uncle frank

Girl: I hate eating fish, except when my grandma makes it. She makes it taste like beef.

–Central Park

Girlfriend to boyfriend: It wasn’t just the egg roll, Jerry; it was all of last week.

–Washington Square

Discerning sniffer: It smells good in here…like Spam.

–Medical office, Canal & Bowery

Thug: Yo, do I still got mad hummus on my lip?

–F station, 2nd Ave

Overheard by: cara

Woman to little girl: You stick that in your mouth now before I shove it down your throat! I bought that ice cream, now stick it!

–11th & 1st

Overheard by: Jamieson

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