All Wednesday One-Liners

It Hurt at First, But Wednesday One-Liners Got Used to It

Barmaid: I’ll never feel lonely as long as someone, somewhere wants to stick it up my butt. Knowing that helps me sleep at night. Yes, sir, so long as I know that someone still wants to put it in my poop chute, I’m one happy camper.

–E Houston St

Woman to man: Just stick your dick in his ass. That’ll make him happy.

–Bleecker St

Overheard by: Jillian C

White girl on cell: And he put it in my ass and I was like, “Nuh-uh, nigga.”

–12th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Scott

Restaurant patron: So you’ll take a dick up the ass, but you won’t have that operation?

–Florent Restaurant, Gansevoort St

Yuppie: Can we not talk about anal sex at the opera?

–Met performance, Great Lawn, Central Park

Overheard by: @$#%!

Girlfriend to boyfriend: For every one you hit, you can put it in my ass.

–Batting cages, West Side

Overheard by: The King Adrock

Guy on cell: …and the next thing I know, I’m getting fucked up the ass with Chapstick for lube. …No, cherry! …I know!

–49th St

Overheard by: Manhattman

Wednesday One-Liners Are All About the Benjamins

Fashionista: I’m not ready for a rich man.

–East Village

Woman: Yeah, he’s got money. Like, when Michael Jackson tried to buy the Elephant Man? That kind of money. Giraffe money!

–Uptown 6 train

3-Year-Old: My daddy makes a lot of money so my mommy and me can live the life we want to live.

–Playground, DUMBO

Overheard by: grimrosary

Salesperson: Yeah, so he was like, “That’s what it means to be rich. I can buy whatever makes me and my fiancé happy. I can buy her all the Harry Potter memorabilia that she wants.”

–Paragon Sports, 18th & Broadway

Overheard by: LSB

Wall-Street-Intern chick: So, if the weather is bad here in the Hamptons I may just fly to California or South Beach for the weekend. Hopefully nobody at work will need me because I may have to get a flight on Friday morning. You know, I have to do what’s fiscally feasible for me…and by “me”, I mean my parents.

–D train

Overheard by: I hope she reads this, and then dies…

Male customer to deli worker: Do you know where can I get a fake Rolex with counterfeit money?

–19th & 6th

Overheard by: Hobo Hank

Little girl, talking for a teddy bear with a stocking over its head, to another teddy bear: Give me all your money!

–Goodwill

For Occasional Irregularity, Take These Wednesday One-Liners

Girl: I can’t go to the bathroom, I can’t eat grapes, I… I’ll be in a bubble!

–Brooklyn bound F train

Hipster girl, emerging from Port-a-Potty: Hey, guys, you have to feel this toilet paper! It’s like silk!… I know, I’m a weirdo.

–Great Lawn, Central Park

Overheard by: Roz

Suit: I swear to God, it came out sideways. It hurt coming out, then I got up and looked at it, and it was floating sideways.

–Manhattan bound J train

Overheard by: Barry P.

Voice from bathroom stall: Yes!

–Women’s bathroom, Hunter College

Overheard by: acep

Girl, to friend washing her hands: Come on, let’s just go. There are more germs on the sink than on the toilet.

–Restroom, Grand Central Station

Woman, walking out of stall: Left you something!

–Restroom, Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: alan b hutscar

Guy: When I clenched my jaw really hard while I was trying to poop, I think I chipped a tooth.

–14th & 3rd

Baby, You Can Drive My Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on cell: I don’t know, now she won’t sleep in the bedroom ’cause of the mobster, and she needs a ride to the Hamptons.

–7th & Ave A

Overheard by: Analt

Guy: He’ll be here in another twenty minutes. He’s sleeping in the back of a car.

–74th & 2nd

Overheard by: Wendy

Teenage girl: I know it’s so wrong, but I’m seriously lusting for luxury cars. I just want to lick them. I want to hump those leather seats!

–WTC Path station

Overheard by: Carine

Suburban boy: Oh my God, driving in the city is most fun thing in the entire world!

–Downtown R train

Overheard by: confused

Man: I had a bad night tonight. I stole a car, got two tickets. I shouldn’t-a stole that car.

–Bodega, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Flasteppi

Drunk guy on cell: If you don’t have my money by 12 tomorrow, I’m gonna get your mother’s car and your sister’s car…I still love your sister, too, but you better have my money.

–Union Turnpike-Kew Gardens E/F station

Young woman: Where did all these cars come from? New York doesn’t have cars.

–35th & 5th

Overheard by: Frank & Alex

Wednesday One-Liners Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

Reverse-Necrophiliac: I hate dead people. They have such attitude.

–Time Warner Center

Elderly bathroom attendant, finding a used tampon on the floor: Whoever did this, I hope she die! That shit is nasty! I hope her pooty fall out and she die!

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Leah Beirne

Hefty guy: No, I will not take pictures of a dead body… Not if it only died for a few hours.

–Target, Queens Blvd

Overheard by: barbat

Co-Worker on phone: If you do die 25 years ago, you don’t die now!

–52nd & 5th

Proselytizer: Listen! Listen to me! You must abstain! Abstinence is the only way! I tell you the truth–if you have sex, you will get pregnant, you will get an STD, and you will die!

–125th St

Overheard by: slightly intrigued

Woman: You’re born, yadda yadda yadda…You learn how to type. You get clarity. And then, ya die.

–24th & 7th

Overheard by: Dennis

Compassionate man on cell: The kid died from an overdose…[laughs] But the kid died from a drug overdose. So it’s not my fault.

–Whole Foods, Columbus Circle

Wednesday One-Liners Cast the First Stone

Girl: I don’t think “Keep your legs closed” is part of Catholic mass.

–Elevator, Brooklyn Law School dorm

Guy on cell: That’s because I’m not a sinner…Well, I don’t consider that a sin.

–50th & 7th

Overheard by: Proud Sinner

Man: If hell had a bathroom, this would be it.

–LIRR bathroom, Penn Station

Passenger: This is the train to hell–and we’re in the first car!

–L train, passing 1st Ave without stopping

Overheard by: Ciara&Andrea

Girl on cell: It’s not selling your soul to the devil if it pays the rent.

–Starbucks, 110th & Broadway

Overheard by: M. Nofier

Heathen: I’m worried because we’re going to Burning Man, which, you know, is not church camp.

–Rope, Myrtle between Clinton & Vanderbilt, Brooklyn

Overheard by: our lady mess

Young queer: The Jesus man touched me funny!

–36th & 6th

Overheard by: He touched me too

Wednesday One-Liners Always Thought Slim Goodbody Was Hot

Woman: You better get that uvula home soon!

–Brooklyn bound F train

Overheard by: PoisonIvy

Cracked-Out queer, holding US Weekly: Mmmmmm, Ashlee lookin’ good! You know why? Whole lotta crack in her belly!

–1 train

Guy: So they took out my spleen and rummaged through my internal organs…

–1 train

Overheard by: sara n.

Woman on cell: I can’t believe it; your brain muscle must be telepathetic or something!

–18th & Park

Overheard by: edward

Vendor: What if they test it and find that it’s from his ear?!

–Wooster & Broome

Professor: My favorite magazine is one for undertakers. It’s called Caskets and Sunnyside. You can order ears. Right ears, left ears; there’s a market for them.

–Fordham

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Chick on cell: Wait, your uterus is what? What? Your uterus is what?! I’m on the street. I can’t hear–Oh, tilted! That’s totally fucked up. I’m sorry.

–23rd & 6th

Wednesday One-Liners Prefer to Be Called ‘Rubenesque’

Girl on cell: Oh my God, my love handles are out of control. When I was getting ready tonight, my fat got caught in my zipper.

–49th & 2nd

Overweight girl: Guys don’t know what they’re missing. There’s some fine pussy under this gut!

–Queens College

Overheard by: Jimbob Watson

Old Italian woman: If I die fat, whatever. Just as long as I make everyone else fat before I go, that’s fine. They can diet after I’m gone. Just keep my recipes is all I’m sayin’, ya know?

–14th & 7th

Overheard by: Dennis

Guy: There should be more laws about people on planes. I once had to sit next to this really fat guy. He was so unapologetic about it! The rogue fat was spilling onto me.

–G train

Shrewd observer, commenting on NYU freshmen: They’re so ugly, and a lot of them haven’t started smoking yet so they’re really fat.

–St. Mark’s & 3rd

Little girl to large woman at paper towel dispenser: I didn’t get any, stupid fat lady!

–Women’s restroom, Shea Stadium

Overheard by: Robyn Z

Art student: You ever seen a fat guy fall on a car? Like, the car just happened to be there?

–Pratt Institute, Brooklyn

Overheard by: TeN22

Four Wednesday One-Liners and a Funeral

Guy on cell: I swear, I told you beforehand. I told you I was married.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Nicole and Caitlin

Five-year-old: Daddy, how come you ask all those women if they’re married?

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: Caroline McGraw

Woman: I cannot wait ’til the wedding is over so I can go off this fucking diet!

–51st & 6th

Overheard by: jpnyc

Female suit: It’s a funeral, not a wedding, you baboon. Bring your own sandwich.

–59th & 10th

Overheard by: marie

Wednesday One-Liners Are Stupid. There. We Said It.

Woman on cell: When you assume, you make an ass of yourself.

–4th Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Mark

Hipster: Yo, what’s up with Filene’s Basement? That shit’s on the top floor!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer

Tourist: Is that the Enron building?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Robyn

Tourist to security guard: Are these all originals?

–Impressionist Gallery, the Met

Overheard by: j-diddy

Female tourist: I could never live in Central America because I’d miss the ocean.

–Restaurant bathroom, Little Italy

Overheard by: Olia

Girl looking at subway map: What about that thing, that star–“You are here”? They don’t have that?

–(Moving) uptown 1 train, 59th St

Overheard by: Jo

White hipster girl: Is black semen black?

–86th & Park

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