Wednesday One-Liners Are Going to Need to Wand You

Black security guard: Hello, and welcome to Urban Outfitters. Break it down, break it down, break it down, break it down, break it down…

–Urban Outfitters, 6th Ave

Security guy to woman whose bag is in the machine: Lady, there is something Batman-shaped in your bag. Do you have Batman in your bag? Are you aware that you are not allowed to take American heroes out of the country?

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: Susan

Big security guard: Put your IDs in the air! … And wave ’em around like you just don’t care!

–NYU SIlver Building

Security guard, into walkie talkie: Ice, get your balls out of your wife’s purse, and kick that guy out!

–Music Hall of Williamsburg, Jonathan Richman concert

Overheard by: j-bones

Posted on March 26, 2008
At the Airport, Balls, Black People, Crime and Punishment, Default, LaGuardia Airport, Men, NYU, Offers and requests, Security Guards, Store, Superheroes, The Village, Theater, Travel, Washington Square Park, Weirdness, Williamsburg, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Are a Dirty Job, but Somebody’s Gotta Do Them

Conductor: Attention, everyone, we are not interviewing for train conductors! Stop trying to control the doors — that’s my job. We are, however, seeking passengers. Please enter the train and sit down to be interviewed for that position.

–1 train, 125th St

Overheard by: Jeff McCrum

Clearly intoxicated girl: I decided to go from working to doing a lot of drugs…

–42nd & 8th

Overheard by: ADA

20-something: You know, I’m just lucky I have a job at all! I mean, I did go to state school!

–Morton & Hudson

Overheard by: Sam

Emo teen, running taking pictures: See, this is why I got fired from American Apparel — because I would come into work acting like this!

–Vanessa’s Dumplings, E 14th & 3rd

Overheard by: Maggie Elisabeth

Lady on a Bluetooth: Girl, you’ve got CEO dreams with a McDonald’s work ethic.

–W 60th St, between Columbus & Broadway

Loud man to loud friends: It was just him running around getting punched in his codpiece and yelling, ‘You killed my father.’ Yeah, I think he has a new job now.

–109th & Amsterdam

Posted on March 26, 2008
Abortion, Balls, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Default, Druggies, Drugs, Education, Girls, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Punch, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, Subway conductors, Teens, The Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Are Getting Carpal Tunnel

Man on cell: So, my boss texted me and wanted to know about fleshlights…

–B train

Loud lady on cell: So you’re the one who sent me a text message saying, ‘A penis is the best breakfast because it has two eggs, a sausage, and milk’!

–Q25 bus

Chick on cell: You may have texted me about him, but because it was Halloween, I was too busy flogging dogs.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: McF.

Plagiarist: … And he sent me a text message saying, ‘I guess I have to do your homework now, L-O-L,’ and I’m like, ‘What’s the L-O-L for? You think this is a joke?!’

–Baruch Collge, Newman Vertical Campus

Overheard by: I Am McLovey

Girl on cell: They were texting you from downstairs? Oooh, that’s gay.

–Starbucks, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Jenya

Posted on March 19, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Balls, Cell Phone, College, Columbia (& Barnard), Compare/Contrast, Default, Dildos and Vibrators, Education, Frat Boys, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Guys, Holidays, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, Penis, Sexuality, Starbucks, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, We Love Our Pets, Women

I Really Hope the Word “Home” Was at the End of That

Queer #1: You did such a good job of shaving my balls!
Queer #2: You’re going to have to do mine again — they’re all spiky again.
Queer #1: O-M-G — I’ll have to do it as soon as we get home so we have enough time to bang before your parents come!

–Central Park

Overheard by: brunette teen

Posted on February 16, 2008
Balls, Central Park, Hair, Queer guys

Wait ‘Til He Stumbles Upon the Human Elephantitis Gallery

Queer teen #1: Yo, when I went to Yellowstone, I took this pic of a buffalo from behind, so you can see the balls hangin’ down and everything! It’s awesome!
Queer teen #2: What? That’s the single worst thing I ever heard! You sick, man. Damn.
Queer teen #1: What the fuck are you talkin’ ’bout? It’s the best pic ever! I made it my desktop! Buffalo balls are cool!

–Garfield & 7th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: Mike N

Posted on February 2, 2008
Animals & Nature, Balls, Compliments, Gripes, Park Slope, Queer guys, Teens, U.S. Geography

‘Cause Who Doesn’t Like Ramen?

Dude #1: Last night Sheryl told me my balls smelled like Ramen.
Dude #2: Oh, really? Like the noodles?
Dude #1: Yeah… She gave me head anyway, though.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Rez

Posted on September 8, 2007
Balls, Guys, Union Square and East Village

Seminiferous Wednesday One-Liners

Man on cell: I didn’t have time to talk to her, but I had enough time to show her my balls.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Meagan Chen

Chick: Dude, that sucks balls. Wait, no, that sucks placentas.

–72nd & 5th

Frat boy yelling from taxi: Show us your balls!

–West Village

Little boy slamming G.I. Joe onto sidewalk: Kiss my ball sack, bitch!

–3rd Ave

Overheard by: AdHoculi

Chick: So, really, what does happen when you put ice on a guy’s balls?

–18th & Park

Banker: I want to get some coffee to dip my balls in. Then I’ll let you drink it. That’s how much I like you. I’d let you drink my ball coffee.

–21st floor, Wall St firm

Posted on September 5, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Balls, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

No It Doesn’t, and Quit Scratching My Balls

Thug #1: Too much curry, man.
Thug #2: You don’t like curry?
Thug #1: Naw…
Thug #2: Yeah, it makes your balls itch.

–Indian spice store, 1st Ave, between 5th & 6th St

Overheard by: Anthony Recchia

Headline by: h

Runners-Up:
· “Be More Discerning Who You Bangalore” – Barry P.
· “He Prefers Ginger Who Makes Them Tingle, Instead.” – Lizard
· “No, No, I’m Talking About the Spice, Not the Tim.” – Katie
· “Why Else Do You Think Indians Wear Such Loose Pants?” – waphle
· “You Know, Just Because It Looks Like a Baby Powder Bottle…” – Herbie McHebrew

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on July 5, 2007
Balls, Ethnic Food, Grocery Stores, Headline Contest Winners, Idiots, Thugs

If You’re Unfamiliar with Elves, Think Matches

Dude: Yeah, I put Tiger Balm on my testicles and it felt like a million breathing elves.
Chick: Oooh, minty! That must have been nice.
Dude: Oh, no — like fire-breathing elves.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Pengasaurus X