Cars and Driving

Wednesday One-liners Have Their Priorities Straight

Three JHS boys pass a woman in a tight t-shirt and mini-skirt talking on her cell. One stares slack-jawed, then says to his buddies: Wow! That was the new Motorola.

–79th Street between Columbus & Amsterdam

Guy: As soon as I get my unemployment check, I’m going to buy a new TV.

–Penn Station

Woman on cell: I lost my sunglasses and I have cancer.

–34th & Madison

Overheard by: Lisa

Boy, 8: Look Mom! I think Daddy likes the Hummer more than you.

–Astoria

Overheard by: Adam Kraemer

Guy on pay phone: I haven’t decided if I prefer the smell of fresh urine or stale urine. I’ll let you know.

–Hotel Edison, West 47th Street

Guy: I told you what my goal is: to be lazy. 20 years from now, I want to be lazy.

–St. Mark’s Place between 2nd & 3rd

Irony, huh?

Moron: See how the taxis always drive on the right side of the street? That’s so they can pick people up easier. I was just thinking about that. That’s smart of them, huh?
Human: But taxis always drive on the right side of the street.
Moron: Exactly.
Human: No, I mean they have to. Always.
Moron: I know. Smart, huh?

–57th & Park Ave

Overheard by: Heather

You Should Be Grateful the Driver Speaks English

Driver: I fuckin' hate that building. Ugliest fuckin' building I ever seen. It looks like a bong or a toilet or somethin'. I'd shit on that building.
Passenger, under his breath: Jesus Christ, man, just drive the car.

–3rd Ave

Overheard by: AdHoculi

Do You Have Something Against Cabs of Color?

Queer #1: What’s with these flowered cabs?
Queer #2: It’s art. Like those damn painted cows Oprah had sex with.

–14th & Ave A

Overheard by: Boheme poet

Lose and You Compete in the Special Olympics

B&T guy: Did you get home okay in the snow last night?
B&T girl: Yeah, but drinking and driving should be an Olympic sport!
B&T guy: That’s why you should’ve just smoked.

–Manahatta, Bowery

Overheard by: Andrew Gamache

Stanley Was Delighted to Meet a Kindred Spirit

(short school bus is backing up)
Little boy (mimicking sound): Beep, beep, beep!
(cop car starts siren ten feet away)
Grown man (10 feet away from): Woop woop!

–25th St & Park Ave

Wednesday Bites the Big One-Liner

Teen scene girl: And that's a whole fucking different story! You always said you wanted to die having a heart attack in a car!

–57th & 3rd

Overheard by: Duluthian

Guy in line: I haven't had a corn dog since Jim Belushi died.

–Nathan's, Coney Island

Creepy guy on cell: Hey. Did you hear about the Craigslist killer? Yeah, isn't that a great idea?

–Penn Station

20-something irritated man on cell: Dude, stop freaking out! They're probably not going to do the autopsy for another three days.

–8th Ave & 15th St

Conductor: Please, no one cross cars, if the train makes a turn you will fall through, get crushed and die, thank you and have a lovely evening. Oh, and it's lovely to be alive.

–Amtrak Train to Penn Station

Overheard by: Paige

It's Always Sunny in Wednesday One-Liner

Swaying hobo with outstretched arms, as it starts to drizzle: I make it rain, I make it rain, I make it rain on you, hoes!

–14th St & University Place

Conductor over PA, on sunny 50-degree day: Due to inclement weather, the 2 and 3 trains will be running on the local track.

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: Ladle

Bag lady: I'm not selling ass, just panhandling. It's too cold.

–9th Ave & 25th St

Really tall dude to no one in particular, very energetically: It's a beautiful day, oh my god! I'm gonna cancel all my appointments and go on a walk!

–2nd & Bedford

Angry stranded guy: And you were all like "it doesn't snow in the city, there are too many cars!"

–Bleecker St

Dude, Where Are My Wednesday One-Liners?

Suit on cell: You know, in the 80s everyone and their brother were making limos in their basement.

–17th & Broadway

Overheard by: Vespa

(obnoxious pimped-out car revs up at stop sign, then tears down the road)
Old guy: That guy's goin' back to the future! 88 miles per hour!

–9th & Stuyvesant

Tough-looking woman to younger one: Let me teach you how to break into a car…

–27th b/w 6th & 5th

Overheard by: Kyle

Russian guy on cell (in Russian): I am not seeing her as a woman, I am seeing her as a potential driver of a vehicle.

–Lower East Side

50-something woman: I haven't seen a good pimpmobile since the seventies. I mean, what happened to all the purple, maroon, and gold? What is all of this crap with yellow hummers and black Escalades these days, it's like all the pimps went to finishing school sometime in 1981.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Graham Davis

To Be Fair, Most New Yorkers Would Probably Just Walk Anyway

Tourist: New York City is the only place in the country that does not have right on red. It doesn't make sense.
Impatient New Yorker chick: Because you'd never get off the sidewalk.
Tourist (in a condescending way): Lady, right on red is for cars. Not for people. (rolls eyes)

–42nd & Broadway

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