Wednesday One-Liners Need a Better Bedside Manner

Guy: I can’t wait ’til I am finished with med school and I can start working as pediatric gynecologist.

–Class, W4th & Mercer

Girl watching another use eye drops: Do you need some help with that? I’m pre-med. I’m qualified.

–Butler Library bathroom, Columbia University

Overheard by: dr. getoffyourhighhorse

Girl patient: Oh my god. The cute doctor just took my urine sample. He walked over and asked me for it. God, it’s like, ‘I gave her my heart, she gave me… her urine sample.’ Should we give him my number?

–Beth Israel Medical Center

Chick on cell: Yeah, the doctor stuck his finger up my ass because I can’t shit… Yeah, it hurt. Any ideas I’ve entertained about anal sex are gone.

–12th Ave & Bay Ridge Pkwy, Brooklyn

Overheard by: What the…

Homeless guy: If you need a gyno doctor, my office is in the box around the corner.

–Lexington subway station

Posted on March 30, 2015
Advice, Asshole, Classroom, Creepsters, Health and Hygiene, Homeless, Jobs & Careers, On Cell, Students, Subway Stations

Bertie Bott’s Every-Flavor Gum May Have Gone Too Far

Queer #1: Somebody should give him some gum. His breath smells really bad.
Queer #2: I know! I see why everybody calls him “shit-breath”.
Girl: You guys, he’s already chewing gum.
Queer #1: Ewwww.

–NYU Classroom

Overheard by: Paul

Posted on March 28, 2015
Advice, Classroom, Default, Girls, Nicknames & name calling, NYU, Queer guys, Sensory Experiences

Wednesday One-Liners in Elbow-Patch Blazers

Professor: So I told my grad students they could have an A if they earned it, or if they beat me in a 12-minute cage fight.

–Fordham Universityy

Israeli politics professor, after class: There's enough Tylenol out there to take care of your hangovers after Purim. So, all your sorry little asses better be in this class at three o'clock, Wednesday afternoon.

–Yeshiva University

English professor: Yeah, the end of the poem relates to the beginning. Every good poem has a return… just like a good walk.

–Hunter college

Professor: Of course there was marital harmony! As we all know, the family who cuts drugs together, stays together.

–Fordham Law School

Overheard by: EntertainedStudent

Professor: An example of synecdoche would be, "get your ass over here." You want all of them, not just their ass. But sometimes, you do just want their ass. And we all know how that goes. But that sort of thing doesn't happen in a classroom… usually.

–NYU

Overheard by: queenofscots

Posted on November 26, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Backdoor, Books & Writing, Classroom, College, Compare/Contrast, Drugs, Education, Family Ties, Fighting and ass kicking, Fordham, Health and Hygiene, Hunter, Judaism, Marriage, Medicine, NYU, One-liners, School and studying, Sensory Experiences, Students, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, Time, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Words

Those Table-clearing Hooligans

Russian Lady: Oh no, he’s too gentle to be a teacher. He went there before and the kids did whatever they wanted. They took everything from the tables.

–D Train

Posted on August 1, 2014
Classroom, Education, Elementary & Middle School, Foreigners, Kids, On the Subway, Students, Subway stations, platforms, etc.

The Teachings Of Wednesday One-Liners

Professor: I have nothing against horse rapists, generally speaking.

–New School University

Overheard by: Evan Gilmer

Psychology professor: Chocolate may make you feel good, but cocaine will make you feel a lot better!

–Barnard College

Elderly history professor: I'm not sure of the consequences of what I'm saying, but I'm sure it's terribly important.

–Pratt Institute

Serious professor, on Freud: What's the matter, Anne, are you thinking about penis envy?

–Classroom, Hunter College

Overheard by: Rara

Bearded professor: He drew an eye on the bird and asked me "do you know what this means?" (short pause) "I swallow." What do you say to that?

–94th St & Broadway

Overheard by: DI

Elderly professor: You two ladies in the back want to cut the bullshit and listen to my brilliance?

–Tisch School of the Arts

Overheard by: Bruce Lee

Posted on October 27, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Birds, Classroom, Cocaine, College, Columbia (& Barnard), Comebacks, Compare/Contrast, Cum, Education, Food, Hunter, New School, Offers and requests, One-liners, Penis, Psychology, Questions, Rape, School and studying, Sensory Experiences, Students, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Bypass the Language Center Of the Brain

Cosmetology teacher: We do not do sterilization in this class. That is what they do in a medical lavatory.

–Cosmetology Class, Astoria

Overheard by: Kelsey

Fat black teen shoving past white couple: I like how they ain't know how a say "excuse me."

–Wilson ave, Bushwick

Xerox repairman on cell: Yo, you sound like John Lecoozigamo! He's a comedian. Le-cooz-I-ga-mo.

–132nd St & Cypress

Overheard by: office drone

Middle-aged mother with thick Staten Island accent on cell: Ronny, where are you?! We are standing outside and we are freezing the children!

–New York City Transit Museum, Brooklyn

Indignant thug to thugette: I told her we wasn't together. How did she know I'm with you? Did you tell her differentwise?

–Q20 Bus

Overheard by: Liza

Posted on June 2, 2010
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Apologies, Astoria, Black People, Brooklyn, Bus, Classroom, Clerks, Couples, Education, Fat People, Health and Hygiene, Infidelity, Kids, Moms, More museums, On Cell, On the Bus, One-liners, Promiscuity, Science, Street, Teachers/Professors, Teens, The Bronx, Thugs, Weather, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People, Words

You There in the Back Row — This Means You.

Student, referring to pinus: Wait, does that actually mean “penis”?
Latin teacher: No. But once I made a joke about penises in a paper in college and my teacher wrote, “never do this”.
(class laughs)
Latin teacher: So guys, don't play with your penises!

–Bard High School Early College

Overheard by: Theseus

Posted on October 31, 2009
Classroom, College, Education, Languages, Laughter, Penis, School and studying, Students, Teachers/Professors, Words

…That Is the Expression, Right?

Student: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving, monsieur?
NYU French professor, with heavy French accent: Bien sûr! I'm as American as apple pie!

–NYU Classroom

Posted on September 27, 2009
Celebrations/Parties, Classroom, Compare/Contrast, Food, Languages, NYU, Questions, Students, Teachers/Professors

Which Reminds Me– I Owe You Fifty Bucks.

Student: What about sex?
Economics professor: What about it?
Student: Well, it's something that probably never has a diminishing marginal utility.
Economics professor: You wish. (class laughs) Plus, for most of us in this room, sex isn't usually a market transaction.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Danielle

Posted on September 20, 2009
Classroom, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Money & Class, Prostitution, Questions, School and studying, Sex, Students, Teachers/Professors, Wishes & desires

Professor: “Did You Bring Enough for the Whole Class?”

Professor to couple making out during lecture: Excuse me, what do you think you're doing?
Guy: Oh sorry, one of our friends bet us 50 bucks we wouldn't make out during a lecture.
Guy in front of him to his girlfriend: We have got to get in on that!

–Fordham University

Posted on July 19, 2009
Apologies, Classroom, Couples, Education, Fordham, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, Money & Class, Questions, School and studying, Students, Teachers/Professors, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center