Wednesday One-Liners Are Already Spending Their Rebate Checks

Father to son: You see, women do the shopping, so you gotta go to a good store to find a good woman.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Trainspotter

Young boy to guy accompanying him: There are things that Americans can do better. We can burp a lot louder than Chileans. And we can spend a lot more money while shopping.

—Tom Crean: Antarctic Explorer performance, Irish Repertory Theatre

Overheard by: Michael Baker

Dude to friend: … So every time he signs for a purchase on a credit card, he signs it ‘Not valid’ and Best Buy was the only store that ever caught it!

–Burns St, Forest Hills

Woman seeing old friend, and pointing to man beside her: Yeah, this is my new husband. He buys me Neiman Marcus. My old husband bought me Stein Mart.

–C train

Overheard by: Sarah F.

Valley girl tourist to street sweeper: Excuse me, where’s the mall?

–34th & 7th

Overheard by: Really!

Posted on March 19, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Boys, Business and Commerce, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Crime and Punishment, Dads, Default, Etiquette, Farting & Burping, Foreigners, Girls, Guys, Idiots, Marriage, Money & Class, On the Subway, Penn Station, Queens, Questions, Shopping, Southerners, Teens, Tourists, Union Square and East Village, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Will Sleep with You If You Hold Still

Hot lesbo to another: You already have two girlfriends — you don’t need another boyfriend!

–92nd & 2nd

Hipster guy: Well, it’s not like I’m into men, but there aren’t really any girls around right now… It’s convenient! At least I’m getting laid!

–In front of Metropolitan Bar, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Rowan

Mini thug with girlfriend. You know, baby, I just get homo sometimes.

–115th & Lenox

Wannabe lesbo: … And I was like, ‘What, just ’cause I like to sleep with men, that makes you more gay than me?!’ And she was like, ‘Uh, yeah.’

–Bedford Ave & Lincoln Pl, Brooklyn

Overheard by: equally gay

Fag hag to queer friend: She is so ruining my heterosexual life!

–42nd & 7th

Overheard by: j

Hipster dude to pals: I gotta go! I just found out this guy is bi!

–Parsons the New School for Design

Chick to another: She was a little bit bisexual in Hong Kong. But, then, who wasn’t?

–1 train

Posted on March 19, 2008
Advice, Bars & Clubs, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Default, Fag Hags, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Gripes, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hipsters, Lesbians, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On the Subway, Promiscuity, Queer guys, Questions, Relationships, School, Sex, Sexuality, Street, The Village, Thugs, Tourism, Upper East Side, Williamsburg

Fears about The Chronicles of Narnia Brainwashing People into Christianity Appear Not to Have Materialized

Man: That was pretty good.
Woman: Yeah, it reminded me of that movie with the White Witch.
Man: 101 Dalmatians?
Woman: Right.

–Loews Theatre

Posted on March 18, 2008
Compare/Contrast, Couples, Default, Movie Theaters, Movies, Stupidity

If It Means I Have to Let Go of Your Penis, Then No

Guy #1: This is fun, but it will be a lot better when we’re in bed.
Guy #2: … You’re gay?

–Urinal, Hard Rock Café

Overheard by: Danny

Headline by: ilemanzer

Runners-Up:
· “Can’t a Straight Guy Talk to His Penis?” – Tadzio
· “Does Mom Know?” – Ren
· “If I’d Known That Earlier I’d NEVER Have Let You Suck My Cock” – Lindsey
· “No, but I Did Appreciate That You Swallowed.” – Me
· “You’re a Guy?” – alice

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on March 17, 2008
Compare/Contrast, Creepsters, Gays and Lesbians, Guys, Headline Contest Winners, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Sexuality

Manning the Barricades Against Penile Lookism

Guy #1: You know, 82 percent of the world is not cut.
Guy #2: Yeah, I’m not circumcised.
Guy #3: Dude! That’s gross!
Guy #2: No — how so? It’s cool.
Guy #3: Yo, let’s call up some bitch and ask her what’s hotter: a dick with the skin or without it.
Guy #4: You know, the David is not circumcised.
Guy #2: See?! Cut penises are so bare.
Guy #5: How would you know?!
Guy #4: Yeah, but the David’s Jewish… It’s wrong! And how does an uncircumcised penis help you?
Guy #2: It protects dirt from coming in.

–Columbia University

Posted on March 16, 2008
Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Default, Guys, Penis, Stupidity

… And I Lost My Life Savings!

Intern #1: This job blows.
Intern #2: Yeah, today I felt like an Enron employee… I shredded documents for like three hours.

–Broad & Stone, Financial District

Posted on March 15, 2008
Compare/Contrast, Coworkers, Default, Gripes, Jobs & Careers, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

To Say Nothing of Your Buck Teeth and Peg Leg

Short Latina #1: You could never be a model.
Short Latina #2, concerned: Why?
Short Latina #1: Your ass is too big.

–5th & 5th, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Andrea

Headline by: Gimpy

Runners-Up:
· “America’s Next Bottom Model” – Fierce!
· “At Least I Don’t Have My Head in Mine” – Drewp
· “But I Smell Like Vomit and Cigarettes!” – Ba-Dunka-Dunk
· “I Can Hear Your Thong Screaming For Help” – Darryl S
· “Those Are My Breasts; I Sling Them Over My Shoulders So That I Don’t Kick Them When I Walk.” – E-man – Master of the UNIVERSE
· “What’s That Got to Do with Hand Modelling?” – KJM

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on March 13, 2008
Ass, Beauty, Brooklyn, Comebacks, Compare/Contrast, Girls, Headline Contest Winners, Insults, Latinos, Questions, Street

The Finals Are in Miami Every Other Year

Middle-aged woman #1: … And she went and got the sluttiest tattoo in the world.
Middle-aged woman #2: Wow, there’s tough competition for that one!

–Trader Joe’s

Overheard by: Manhattman

Posted on March 13, 2008
Bars & Clubs, Comebacks, Compare/Contrast, Default, Tattoos, Women

Jerry Lee Lewis: Trust Me — No One Finds It Funny

20-ish girl #1: They are sooo funny together! Like a pencil and an eraser.
20-ish girl #2: A pencil and an eraser?
20-ish girl #1: Okay, maybe that’s not the best analogy. They’re like… a stick and a ball!
20-ish girl #2: A stick and a ball…
20-ish girl #1: Yeah. Wouldn’t it be funny if they dated?
20-ish girl #2: Wait, I thought you said they were cousins.
20-ish girl #1: Well, I’m not totally sure… But wouldn’t it be funny if they dated?
20-ish girl #2: Uh…

–Brooklyn-bound D train

Posted on March 9, 2008
Compare/Contrast, Dating, Default, Family Ties, Girls, Gossip, On the Subway

Scenes from KKK Film School

Mom: Get off that damn railing before you fall and your head busts open like a watermelon!
Kid #1: Watermelon? You’re gonna be a watermelon!
Kid #2: I love watermelon!

–Clinton Hill, Brooklyn

Overheard by: blackbuttoneyes

Posted on March 8, 2008
Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Death, Default, Kids, Moms, Threats

Compare/Contrast