Wednesday One-Liners Are Down, but Not Out

Hobo with two jars in front of him: Food or drugs! Choose whether you’d like to sponsor my evening shot or dinner!

–Central Park

Homeless man: Hey, bindi-a, lookin’ good today! (Indian girl ignores his comment, begins to walk away). Fine! When you get mugged, I’m not helping you!

–Washington Square Park

Enterprising lady hobo: You could use your credit card to get cash, and give me the cash.

–Outside Dunkin’ Donuts, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Panhandling hobo: Spare some change for a large bottle of water and a nice Chef salad? Spare some change for bottled water and salad?

–Broadway & 10th St

Hobo: Hey lemme borrow those red Converse! I’ve got a hot date with Monica Lewinsky tonight!

–14th & 6th

Hobo to another: "You’re gonna turn me into a waffle?" That’s what she told me, you said! A waffle? Oh no, I don’t think so!

–23rd b/w 6th & 7th

Overheard by: sara

Crazy hobo: Watch out for traffic and knuckleheads! Beware! (points at random pedestrian) Him! He’s a knucklehead! Don’t trust him!

–5th Ave & 49th St

Posted on July 23, 2008
About Celebrities, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bag ladies, Brooklyn, Central Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Crazies, Crazy, Dating, Drugs, Fears, Food, Hobos, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Multiculturalism, Overheard Style, Offers and requests, Panhandling, Questions, Threats, Union Square and East Village, Vegetarian & Vegan, Washington Square Park, Women

The Tao Of Wednesday One-Liners

Subway rider to Japanese tourist: You guys need to stick up for yourselves, man. You know what I’d say if I was from Japan? I’d say: "I am yokozuna, muthafucka!"

–E Train, 42nd St

Male customer to clerk, after computer system goes down: I guess you have some little Chinese guy in the back working on the problem.

–Brooklyn DMV

40something woman walking dogs to friend: You know, these dogs are half Chinese. With all these things going on in China, they get very upset! (friend gives skeptical look) I’m serious!

–Upper West Side

Crazy lady, to no one in particular: All Carpenter songs are actually Korean national anthems. If a Korean is bludgeoning you, just sing a national anthem and they will stop. If a Korean is bludgeoning you, just sing a national anthem and they will stop. It’s the Koreans who do most of the bludgeoning, and that’s what upsets me.

–99 Cent Pizza, 41st & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Michael O’Connor

Worker, sounding pleasantly surprised: Oh, Asians! Damn! Asians!

–Canal Street and Centre Street, Chinatown

Posted on July 23, 2008
Advice, Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Chinatown, Coworkers, Crazies, Crazy, Customers, Friends, Global Geography, Insults, Languages, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Music, On the Subway, Race, Restaurants & Cafes, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, We Love Our Pets, Women

New York Is Like a Performance Art Installation That Never Closes

Crazy guy eating in deli: You know, 200 years ago, people wouldn’t be able to get anything they wanted from this place… They’d have to go hunt for food.
Clerk, pretending to be amused: Oh, really?
Crazy guy eating in deli (really excited): And you know what?! There used to be cats screaming all night long until the Chinese food places came around (laughs to himself) but not anymore!

–27th & 6th

Overheard by: Karl

Posted on July 15, 2008
Animals & Nature, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clerks, Crazies, Crazy, Customers, Default, Delis, Ethnic Food, Guys, History & Geography, Weirdness

A Kind of Inner Didgeridoo

(crazy woman talking to self)
Guy sitting next to her: Sorry, did you say something?
Crazy woman: No, I have an ear piercing.
Guy: Oh, in the other ear?
Crazy woman: No, this one (points to the ear closest to him). It’s all the way inside my ear. It’s Australian.

–Jane St & Greenwich Ave

Posted on July 13, 2008
Body Parts, Crazies, Crazy, Default, Guys, Questions, Strangers, Weirdness, West Village, Women

Please Accept My Apologies on Behalf of the Galactic Council

(guy gets up as train starts to move and begins rambling crazily)
Tourist girl: Stop it! You’re scaring me! (to parents) make him stop! (to him) Stop it! (to mom) I want to get off this train!
Tourist dad: Excuse me, you’re scaring my daughter.
Crazy guy: Am I scaring her?

–3 Train

Overheard by: Glad I only went one stop

Posted on July 13, 2008
Crazies, Crazy, Dads, Default, Fears, Girls, Guys, Kids, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Tourists

Harry Had a Traumatic Experience with Legos As a Child

(hobo runs through bushes, unzipping pants, mumbling. Cop follows him)
Hobo runs back, zipping up pants: Building structures building structures!

–Washington Square

Overheard by: KidUgly

Posted on July 12, 2008
Crazies, Crazy, Default, Hobos, Washington Square Park, Weirdness, Words

Where My Wednesday One-Liners At?

Homeless man to barking dog: You can yell at me all you want! It don’t change a thing! I can hold shit and you can’t cause you don’t got thumbs, bitch!

–Union Square Dog Park

Man, talking to his dog as he walks it: I don’t understand it. Why won’t you talk to me?

–W 225th St

Man to barking dog: Okay, okay, we’ll go to the park.

–75th & Madison

Overheard by: tb

Woman carrying tiny white dog in doggy bag, walking ahead of man carrying another tiny white dog in doggy bag: It’s a temporary separation.

–W 66th St

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Big ghetto guy talking to dog: Look forward! You know what your problem is? You’re too fuckin’ beautiful! Someone gonna see you and steal you. And they won’t treat you as nice, they beat you and burn your ass. You know they eat dog? Chinese people eat dog! They chop you up with a butcher knife and serve you. You the main course… with a side of flied lice. Look forward!

–19th St

Overheard by: Intellectual Steakhead

Man, to small white dog: Hey puppy, I’m gonna kill you! [Turns to scared-looking Asian girl.] I was trying to make you laugh. I guess it didn’t work.

–29th b/w 7th & 8th

Posted on June 11, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Crazies, Crazy, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Homeless, Insults, Language Barrier, Men, Murder, Parks, Questions, Street, Threats, Thugs, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, We Love Our Pets, Weirdness, Women

I Was Told There Would Be No Wednesday One-Liners on This Exam

Woman to another woman: It’s really the same thing. Like six and a half of another dozen.

–Times Square Subway Station

Overheard by: Billy

Black woman: He gets four weeks paid vacation! Four weeks! That’s like two months!

–34th & Broadway

Auntie someone: Yeah, my brother has like 18 kids and I ain’t even met like a hundred of ’em!

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld

Crazy man: I just decided to become a decimal point.

–3 Train

Overheard by: Cool, cuz im a period.

Delivery truck guy, counting boxes: 18 plus 20 equals 30, plus 22 is 42.

–Midwood, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Feliz Navidad

Girl on cell: Yeah, no. Five times eight is forty… I think… Well, hopefully, anyway.

–Waverly & Broadway

Overheard by: Kyla

Posted on June 11, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Conductors, Crazies, Family Ties, Girls, Guys, Men, On Cell, On the Subway, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., The Village, Time, Times Square, Weirdness, Women

So That’s How It Spreads

[Homeless man is giving directions to tourists.]Construction worker to tourists below: Don’t listen to that guy, he’s a homeless bum. He don’t know what he’s talking about, he’s crazy. Seriously, stop talking to him, he’s just a whacked out homeless guy.
Homeless man: Yeah, well… You’re homeless! Yeah, how you like that?

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: adrift midwestern hipster

Posted on May 26, 2008
Advice, Construction Guys, Crazies, Crazy, Default, Homeless, Men, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

I’ve Been Thinking About Getting Out of Mental Illness, Anyway

[A crazy man is running back and forth on the sidewalk and uses a blonde girl to ‘hide’ behind.]Blonde: Excuse you!
Crazy man: What, you got a problem?!
Blonde, firmly: Yes. Could you stop being a weirdo around me?
Crazy man: Oh… Sorry. [He then proceeded to walk normally to the crosswalk.]

–57th & 9th

Overheard by: Not around me either

Posted on May 11, 2008
Apologies, Crazies, Crazy, Default, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, Questions, Weirdness, Women

Crazies