Wednesday One-Liners–Not for the Calorie-Conscious

3rd grader, cheerily announcing to subway: I'm starving! I didn't even have breakfast! (jubilantly) Just candy!

–4 Train

Overheard by: i tried that once

Cosi employee to another: Dude, don't tell anyone, but I put a *special ingredient* in the brownies.

–Cosi Restaurant

Fat girl with three skinny friends and a large cupcake: So what do you think our cupcake choices say about our personalities?

–Crumbs Bake Shop

Overheard by: Damon

Old guy with ponytail: You bootlegged My Bloody Valentine? That's like breaking into the US Mint and stealing the chocolate sauce!

–7th Ave

Overheard by: Good Analogy

Girl: And by "jellybean," I mean "fetus"!

–Christopher & W 4th St

Woman: It's no longer a chocolate vagina, it's just a pool of chocolate!

–Manhattan Center Grand Ballroom

Overheard by: Ilyssa

Posted on November 22, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Coworkers, Crime and Punishment, Fat People, Food, Friends, Girls, Grocery Stores, Junk Food & Fast Food, Kids, Music, Old People, On the Subway, One-liners, Parades & Festitivites, Passengers, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Psychology, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Skinny People, Street, The Village, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Still Resent Giuliani

Hobo, walking quickly around a lady: You cannot fuck with a power walker!

–60th & 6th

Hobo on corner: Yo man, can I borrow like a hundred dollars plus tax?

–Outside Gray's Papaya

Panhandling teenager: I'm like Obama. I want change!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Canadian Girl

Hobo to self: I don't have anything against people with homes. Why, some of my very best friends have homes!

–E 35th & 6th Ave

Hobo to cops talking him away: Nah, man. I wasn't peeing on no stairs. What you don't understand is that I don't pee for anyone else, I pee for myself.

–145th Street Subway Station

Overheard by: Ben B.

Posted on November 21, 2014
Cops, Crime and Punishment, Hobos, Home, Sweet Home, Homeless, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Panhandling, Pee, President, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, Subway Stations, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Teens, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

A Rooster’s Bitch, Probably

Girl: Whatever, tell your brother to go back to prison, learn how to read, and then he can talk to me.
Guy: But you egged his car! You egged his fucking car! What kind of bitch eggs someone’s car?

–26th & 8th

Overheard by: Emily Ackerman

Posted on November 21, 2014
Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Crime and Punishment, People, Relationships

Maybe We Should Make Law Enforcement Illegal, To Bring Prices Up

Blind date boy: So how long was your ex on the job?
Blind date girl: Well, he’s been a cop for three years, but he still lives with his parents because of how little cops get paid.
Blind date boy: Cops get paid shit in the beginning.
Blind date girl: Well, he was making a lot more before, you know…
Blind date boy: Oh yeah, being a drug dealer.

–Austin St & 72nd Ave, Queens

Posted on November 20, 2014
Crime and Punishment, Girls, Guys, Queens

Something for Which One Would Have to Pay Extra

Freshman girl: I really like this guy…but he's like 28.
Freshman boy: I'm pretty sure that's illegal.
Freshman girl: What do you mean?
Freshman boy: Like, really illegal. Even in Russia.

–Stuyvesant High School

Overheard by: Loverparty

Posted on November 16, 2014
Age/Aging, Crime and Punishment, Height, Students, Stuyvesant

Wednesday One-Liners Are Starting to Show

Aloof teen: So, other than getting robbed and coming back pregnant, how was it?

–27th & 6th

Overheard by: Seamus Diddy

Female cashier, looking over cover of Star magazine: Girl, Angelina is having twins?! I tell you what, that girl needs to get her some birth control pills -and you know why? Because she hot and if I was Brad Pitt I would keep knockin’ her up too.

–86th & 1st

Girl on cell: Ugh! I can’t believe she’s pregnant again! That makes futon baby number two!

–Forever 21, Union Square

Girl checking SMS, to friends: Oh shit…[Reads.] "Happy non mother’s day, pass this on to all your girlfriends and women you know who survived another year of not getting pregnant."

–Toys R Us Times Square

Overheard by: Non Father

Guy, chasing after pregnant woman in the fruit section: It’s not a boy? I swore you told me it was a boy! Honey! Come back!

–Whole Foods, Bowery

Overheard by: office peon

Posted on November 13, 2014
About Celebrities, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, Cashiers, Cell Phone, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compliments, Crime and Punishment, Gender issues, Girls, Guys, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Questions, Sex, Store, Teens, Times Square, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Violence, Weirdness, Whole Foods, Women, Words

Or It Would If “That Other Thing” Weren't Murder

Construction worker to another: I got a parking ticket today, but I'm just going to send it in not guilty, then send a lawyer to say my client can't make court today, then reschedule, then by then I'll already be on probation from that other thing!
Friend: Yeah, good idea, that should work.

–Brooklyn

Posted on November 13, 2014
Brooklyn, Construction Guys, Crime and Punishment, Friends, Time

He Got Framed

Tech guy #1: I left my bike at the PATH station over the weekend.
Tech guy #2: Was it stolen?
Tech guy #1: No, but all the wheels are missing.

–Office, Madison & 47th

Overheard by: Will

Posted on November 7, 2014
Crime and Punishment, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen

Wednesday One-Liners Want to Know What Makes the Law & Order Sound

Law professor: Sometimes you just want to tell your client, "Wake the fuck up!"

–NYU Law School

Law student on cell: Well, it's hard to locate them, since I don't know who they are.

–Columbia Law School

Overheard by: arctinus

Older looking woman on cell: No, don't fight him, Henry. We're Jewish. God gave us lawyers for a reason.

–42nd & Avenue of the Americas

Overheard by: Elizabeth

Awesome judge: If you do not have a basic understanding of the English language, you will not be able to serve. If you cannot understand what I'm saying, please come up now. Now, two translators will translate what I just said. If you understood what I said, obviously don't come up here.

–Supreme Court Building

Suit to girl: You must be a lawyer. (pause) Or a cunt.

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: How did he know?

Thug: Don't say anything to her! Don't you know anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law?

–132nd & St. Nicholas

Drunk lawyer on phone: Yeah! I convict rape victims.

–Outside Shea Stadium

Posted on November 7, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bryant Park, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Crime and Punishment, Drunks, Fighting and ass kicking, Girls, God, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Insults, Judaism, Language Barrier, Lawsuits, Lawyers, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, NYU, On Cell, Rape, Shea Stadium, Students, Stupidity, Suits, Teachers/Professors, Thugs, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Was That DVD of Spy Kids 3 Really Worth It, Kid?

Underage guy, as alarm sounds: Is it me? Am I setting off the alarm?
Underage girl: I think it’s your bag.
Underage guy: Maybe it’s because of all the booze I’ve got in my backpack.
Underage girl: Shut up!

–Kim’s Videos, St. Mark’s Pl

Posted on November 6, 2014
Crime and Punishment, Kids, Union Square and East Village

Crime and Punishment