Wednesday One-Liners Lose Their Mittens

Large man on payphone: I'm gonna kill her, man! I'm gonna fuckin' kill her! Then I'm gonna kill my cousin! I'm gonna go back to my house, kill that bitch, get my fuckin kittens, and kill my cousin! I want my kittens, man!

–SoHo

Overheard by: trying not to laugh

Father to kids: Which would you prefer, kitty casserole or puppy stew?

–72nd & Broadway

Suit: So one time I went into the bathroom and the cat was just like sitting on the toilet so I just unloaded on it. I told my roommate, like, "don't touch the cat" and then later I saw his girlfriend playing with it and hugging and kissing it. It was very funny.

–Downtown 6 Train

Upset-looking college student on cell: Ugh! My cat almost just died…and you're making this about your feelings?!

–Columbia Quad

Student: That's okay, I'll just eat my mom and fuck my cat.

–Pratt Institute

Overheard by: Toddlington

Student: Well, the situation in the essay is hopeless, you know? It's like finding a kitten in the subway and you want to take it with you because kittens just don't belong in the subway. But then you remember that you live in a building that doesn't allow pets and your roommate is allergic. So, your roommate is going to hate you and your landlord is going to evict you. I realize this is a bad example. I just really want a kitten.

–Eugene Lang College

Overheard by: Colleen

Posted on October 29, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Beastiality, Brooklyn, College, Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Dads, Death, Family Ties, Fat People, Food, Gay Man's Best Friend, Kids, Man's Best Friend, Murder, On Cell, On the Subway, Parents, Poop, Public Transportation, Soho, Students, Stupidity, Suits, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

A Howling Wilderness Where Celery Tonic Is Unknown

Construction worker taking coffee order: I don't think they have what you want at that deli.
Construction worker placing order: They have to have it. This is America, where do you think we are, Alaska?

–Construction Site, Bronx Zoo

Posted on October 26, 2008
Blue-collar workers, Food, The Bronx, U.S. Geography

After I Whip You, We'll Get Baked

Husband: I would be the egg and you would be the quiche.
Wife: I am the quiche.
Husband: Aww, my little quichey!

–LaGuardia Airport

Posted on October 26, 2008
Airports, Compare/Contrast, Couples, Food, LaGuardia Airport, Terms of Endearment

Vitamin C Gets Me So Hot

Queer #1: I think it looks too much like a cucumber.
Queer #2: I know…that's why I like it.
(both laugh dirtily)

–The Guggenheim

Posted on October 25, 2008
Compare/Contrast, Food, Laughter, More museums, Queers

I'm Thinking! I'm Thinking!

Black lady #1: Do you like cheese?
Black lady #2: Cheese?
Black lady #1: Cheese…
Black lady #2: (…)
Black lady #1: Cheese, cheese!

–New York Port Authority

Overheard by: Igor Petrov

Posted on October 20, 2008
Black People, Default, Food, Port Authority, Questions, Weirdness, Women, Words

Wednesday One-Liners, Capisce?

Guido: I once kept a clove of garlic in my mouth for a whole week.

–18th & 5th

Overheard by: Alistar Spencer

20-something to Guido friend: Dude, it's not my fault you look like a child molester.

–Meatpacking District

Overheard by: Sam

Guido with gelled hair to Guidette, as it starts to rain: I made $500 off this haircut, I am not getting it wet and ruined! No!

–Union Square

Guido on 'roids, to his three Guido friends: Yo, it don't matter if you fucked 5,000 girls! You suck a cock once, you a cock-sucker fo' life!

–Spumoni Gardens, Brooklyn

Overheard by: POLA

Guido to another: Boy, breakdancing when you're high is impossible.

–Queens Center Mall

Overheard by: baby g

Guido on cell: I have an extra queen-sized mattress at my place. I'll set up my camera, you'll come over with Sarah and fuck on it, and we can sell it as a porno afterwards. I don't see why this is so hard.

–St. Mark's & Ave. A

Posted on October 15, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Food, Friends, Guidos, Hair, Home, Sweet Home, Malls, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, Porn, Queens, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

What Kinda Mileage You Get With That Wednesday One-Liner?

Teen girl, calmly: My nigga, I only got one car, and I need that car to kill my momma.

–125th & 5th

Overheard by: Caroline

Loud Eastern European man to older guy: If I get you car, you get me woman. Woman for fucking! (gestures a jackhammer motion)

–Union Square

Overheard by: BK

Surprised woman: $15,000? Tonya! For $15,000 you could've bought a car, gone to a psychologist and finally learned how to drive!

–Park Ave & 39th St

Girl on cell: He drove his truck into the pool. No…he drove his truck into the pool. So, I just hope it's not because he was doing something stupid.

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Overheard by: Pretty Sure He Was Doing Something Stupid

Man on bike on cell: There ain't no peanut butter in the car.

–West 4th & Sullivan St.

Overheard by: Anna P.

Screaming guy, sticking head out of cab during traffic jam: Fucking three inches per hour!

–Greene St, SoHo

Overheard by: seb

Posted on October 15, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Cars and Driving, Food, Foreigners, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Murder, Offers and requests, On Cell, Parents, Sex, Soho, Stupidity, Teens, Time, Washington Square Park, Women

She Was Hoping for a Salad of Steel

Waitress: Will you have a soup or salad?
Girl: Sure, I'll have the super salad.
Waitress: No, will you have the soup or salad?
Girl: I said I'll have the super salad.
Waitress: No, (really slowly) will you have the soup or salad.
Girl: Ohhhhh, the salad.

–Elmo, Chelsea

Posted on October 13, 2008
Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Default, Food, Girls, Offers and requests, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Stupidity, Waitresses, Weirdness, Words

This Is Your Brain on Stupid Customers

Customer: I'll have an egg omelet.
Cook: An egg omelet?
Customer: Yeah, one made with eggs.
Cook: Thank god you mentioned eggs. I was about to give you an omelet solely made from butter!

–Grant's Restaurant

Overheard by: AJ

Posted on October 11, 2008
Coworkers, Customers, Default, Food, Offers and requests, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Stupidity

Oh, Puke, It's Wednesday One-Liners!

Teenybopper: I was going to see Legally Blonde, but then I threw up in Kmart twice.

–Delacourte Theater, before Hair

Overheard by: Morgan

Girl to another: It's easy–you just put your finger down your throat and you vomit!

–Union Square Park

Overheard by: Sarah

Guy on laptop to woman sitting next to him: Sorry if I make throw-up noises, no offense.

–Penn Station, NJ Transit

Overheard by: altaatlantic

Girl on cell: Oh my god. Like if that meal wasn't so expensive, I would have thrown it up!

–3rd Ave & 8th St

Overheard by: rachel

Teenage girl on payphone: Ma? Hey ma? Hold on. (vomits) I'm throwing up! (vomits some more) I *said* I'm (vomits a third time) throwing up. I'm done now. What?

–Wilson Ave, Bushwick

Overheard by: Sarah Booz

Girl to friend, while smoking: So there I was, puking…and they started to have sex!

–Third and Long Bar

Posted on October 8, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Apologies, Bars & Clubs, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Central Park, Compare/Contrast, Food, Girls, Guys, Money & Class, Movies, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, Penn Station, Sex, Theater, Tweens, Union Square and East Village, Vomit, Weirdness

Food