Foreigners

Wednesday One-Liners Get a Reltney

Hipster girl: And he's always like, "oh god, I'm so hard!" and I'm always just like, "really?"

–Kimmel Cafeteria, NYU

Loud passenger: I'm so horny I'd fuck a potato right now.

–Metro-North

Overheard by: fingerling

Guy: I've had a hard-on all day! I need to polish my lid.

–Hard Rock Cafe

Bearded hipster to another, on blanket in the park: Like, I could have sex eight times in a day and still come here and get a boner.

–McCarren Park, Williamsburg

Overheard by: kalbijim

Girl to guy friend: Did you just get a boner while we're talking about Mexicans and drowning?

–Williamsburg

Go Back Where You Came from, Wednesday One-Liners!

Woman: I just have a lot of leftover Mexican anger…

–7 train

Overheard by: Elle-train

Man: This guy is a well-known thief, and he’s mad at me for ratting him out about something everyone knows. You just can’t trust anyone, and that’s how I feel about all Canadians.

–NYU

Overheard by: Eleanor

Stoner: That girl was either French or retarded…

–14th St

Overheard by: jenna

Chick on cell: If you can’t tell what it is, it’s an armless mannequin with a wedding dress half on, breasts bared, with a nice Mexican woman posing her for me.

–Harlem

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Boisterous SI woman: Just push those foreigners out of the way. I’ve got your back — they just want to see the green bitch in the water!

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: Mr. Anderson & Poki

So We Have an Alibi

Irish guy: Yeah, I’m a hundred percent Irish. I just got back from Ireland this summer.
Black chick: Oh, you’re Irish? I’m part Irish.
Irish guy, skeptical: Really?
Black chick: No, seriously. An Irish slave master raped my great, great grandmother.
Irish guy: Well, my family got here in 1909.

–Ulysses’ Bar

Wednesday One-Liners Toot Their Own Horns

Guy on cell: Guitars… guitarists, guitarists… drummers, yeah, any musicians… Girls, yeah! Girls!

–Prospect Heights

Suave European guy: I am playing the piano and the flute. At the same time. It’s a metaphor.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Librarianish-looking woman: He asked me if I wanted to blow his tuba, and I said, "sure!". It was amazingly harder than I thought it would be. And, he’s bringing his organ tomorrow so I can play with it.

–Battery Park Starbucks

30-something woman: My consultant was telling me I should try not to sound elitist. But that’s really hard for me. I mean, I have two master’s degrees and I play the violin.

–14th St & 1st Ave

Bodybuilder on cell: I’m thinking a harpsichord, a wig, and a whole lotta talcum powder.

–Chinatown Bus

Blonde high school girl: Grinding is as practical as playing the harpsichord was for Jane Austen.

–Upper East Side

My Deepest Condolences for the Death Of Your TiVo

British tourist to passing New Yorker: Excuse me, could you please tell me where…
New Yorker, walking briskly: Fuck off! I got problems of my own!

–E 77th & 2nd

Overheard by: D M A

These People Really Do Exist in New York…

A fat Italian “businessman” in a Members Only jacket is standing on the corner talking to 2 other fat Italian guys. An SUV drives by, honks the horn twice, and then speeds off. The “businessman” turns around quickly and loudly yells: Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Fuckin’ faggot.

–LES

What's So Great Aboot Wednesday One-Liners, Eh?

Man on subway, about to exit: Obama, Islam, Canada. Obama, in Islam, and Canada. (exits train)

–Downtown D Train

Overheard by: katiekatydid

Thug to tourists: How do you say "thank you" in Canadian?

–34th & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Fluent in Canadian

Student: I'm so sick and tired of your Canadian condescension.

–Eugene Lang College

Crazy Brooklynite at a payphone: The Queen owns everything! She owns Europe, she owns Africa, and she owns Canada! The one thing she doesn't own is the US. So could somebody give me a US quarter for a Canadian quarter?

–Broadway & 8th St

Ditzy blonde to another: Do we look Canadian?

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Holls

His Next Move Was to Ask a Friendly Police Officer Where He Could Procure Some

Foreigner, showing bong: And here is what I bought today.
Ghetto kid: Yeah, whatcha gonna put in there? Tobacco?
Foreigner: Yes, I put the tobacco in here. The tobacco.
Ghetto kid: No, man. You gotta put some weed in there. You ever heard of weed?
Foreigner: Weed? No…weed? I don’t understand.
Ghetto kid: Get some weed. You put a little weed in there, smoke it up, and you’re set.
Foreigner: Yes, thank you. Weed.

–Brooklyn bound B train

Overheard by: Anti-Traffic Girl

If You Want a Taste Of the Rainbow, Go for It!

Teenage Spanish girls: Mister, mister! Where'd you get that belt?
Guy: (mumbles)
Girl #1: You know that's the gay belt, right? That belt is gay, yo.
Guy: (shakes head)
Girl #2: Yeah, that's the gay belt. You better take that shit off! Are you gay?
Guy: (shakes head)
Girl #1: Then take that shit off man! You can't have a gay belt. What store did you get it at? Didn't they tell you when you bought it? Mister, you better return that shit to the store!
Girl #3: Maybe he's bi. Hey mister, it's okay if you're bi. I mean, I like eating pussy.

–Uptown N Train

Overheard by: Jeff

No, Seriously– I’m Doing the Column Now.

Loud girl #1: So, are you going to tell Eric*?
Loud girl #2: It was a dance.
Loud girl #1: And a kiss.
Jamaican man, who has overheard: Oh. Oh, that’s cold. You ain’t gonna tell him?
Loud girl #2: I didn’t kiss him, he kissed me.
Jamaican man: This gon’ get ugly, you hear me?
Loud girl #2: Fine! I’ll tell him! Then you’ll see ugly.
Jamaican man: Jus’ call me Dear Abby.

–Elevator, Brooklyn

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