Health and Hygiene

Girl on cell: Wait, so you're telling me this guy has a Mohawk and he doesn't drink?

–Lower East Side

Girl to boyfriend, excitedly: I haven't washed my hair in weeks!

–Waverly & Broadway

Overheard by: MC

Girl to finance boyfriend: No, really, it's okay that you like to gel your hair.

–Outside Tavern on the Green

South Carolina girl: In South Carolina we would call your haircut a mullet, but since you have gel in it, it's called "Long Island hair."

–Hell's Kitchen

Hipster girl on cell: You know your hair is too long when it gets caught in your armpits.

–Central Park

Angry man on cell: That mole! With the hair growing out of it!

–62nd b/w Lexington & 3rd

Overheard by: Laïla

Older woman (after cast runs off naked): I was looking, and I was glad to see that all of the women had hair down there.

–Delacorte Theater, Hair Intermission

Overheard by: Musicn3rd

Yuppie #1 (greeting friend): What's up?
Yuppie #2: Not– oh, bro I think you still have some shaving cream up on your ear.
Yuppie #1 (wiping off ear): Oh, yeah, that's probably toothpaste.
Yuppie #2: How did you get toothpaste all the way up there?
Yuppie #1: You don't want to know.

–Carroll St, Brooklyn

Ten-year-old tourist girl wearing pink Crocs: Smoking is bad for you!
Smoking queer: Crocs are for retarded kids who can't tie their own shoes.

–50th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Scott

20-something girl: I don't let people with toes like that into my bed!

–Bleecker & Broadway

Overheard by: insizlane

Old man on cell: Just tell her to go to Duane Reade and get that shit that puts your urethra to sleep.

–East Village

Overheard by: doctors are so jaded

Woman: My son has a perfect head, it's not flat on no sides.

–44 Bus, Staten Island

(man comes over and pushes down everyone's safety bar)
Woman: My uterus just came out of my vagina.

–Coney Island Cyclone

Guy on cell: …and it's just not Sunday unless you've had your finger in someone.

–Houston & Macdougal

Overheard by: Lish

Middle-aged white guy to younger black woman: Just leave them a message that's like "I woke up from my coma, don't worry. Not that you were worried anyway."

–Nederlander Theater

Overheard by: julia

Girl to friend: Everything was fine until I found out about the warts.

–Broadway & Waverly

Man to friends: All I know is that I was leaving town the next day, so I told her to take some Pepto-Bismol or Robitussin or whatever because I was gettin' some that night for sure!

–Bodega, 22nd St & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Doug Tischler

Teenage black girl, within a group of friends: Them kids with autism, they be havin' mad skills!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: r. faith

Male yuppie: If she comes back with cold sores, I'll know who to go to.

–San Domenico Restaurant, East 26th St

Girl: Rabies is my biggest enemy.

–Bellerose, Queens

20-something girl #1: I’ve been so sick today.
20-something girl #2: Oh no! Why?
20-something girl #1: Must have been those two squash and spaghetti sandwiches I ate yesterday.
20-something girl #2: Oh, right!
(momentary pause)
20-something girl #1: So, have you ever been pregnant?

–Ladies Room, Vento Trattoria

Headline by: Alex

Runners-Up:
· “It’s The Perfect Way to Justify My Incredibly Bizarre Eating Habits” – Caitlin
· “It’s Usually the After Dinner Drinks That Get Me Pregnant.” – Bud
· “No, But Sometimes I Pretend to Be So People Don’t Mock My Food Choices” – o k
· “So Began the Story Of the Immaculate Conception Of the Flying Spaghetti Monster” – Jared
· “The Day Peggy Learned Squash-and-Spaghetti-Sandwich Contraception Is a Myth” – Steve
· “The Shift in Topic Was So Jarring, Tina Had to Be Hospitalized.” – Sam
· “They Don’t Call Me “Subtle Stacy” for Nothing” – fresca

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Older gentleman: You know, I used to date a Rockette.
Younger woman: Oh, really? Cool!
Older gentleman: …a cross-eyed one.
Younger woman: They're the best kind.

–Outside Radio City Music Hall

(movie set in SoHo)
Actor (showing where the fake blood stained his hands red): Man, if real blood did this it would be a lot easier to catch people.
Black guy: Man, ain't that the truth. A little hand sanitizer and that shit come right off.

–Houston & Sullivan

Hipster boy: I would rather go on vacation than have health insurance.
Hipster girl: Health insurance is like, totally a scam and not real anyway. Not like Belgium.
Hipster boy: Belgium!

–K&M Bar, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Matthew K. Johnson

Girl on cell passing by: That sounds great, honey, but there is no possible reason you'd need to shove an entire lime in the garbage disposal.

–Lafayette & Houston

(tourist lady eats banana)
Ferry bag lady: Why are you eating that banana? You know it's not healthy for you. They say you need potassium but you don't need no potassium. You don't want no banana, it's nasty and mushy. Throw it out. Throw out that banana. You don't want no nasty mushy banana.
(bug-eyed tourist lady continues to eat banana)

–Staten Island Ferry Terminal

Five-year-old girl, sitting in the grocery cart next to her twin sister, as their mother pushes them around the store: You're squishing me like a pineapple! You're squishing me like a pineapple, I said!

–9th St Market

Overheard by: Elle Woods (Chelsea Huckabay)

Old man with Boston accent to prepubescent boy: Squirt that in your nose and it's like you have a blueberry bush.

–42nd & 5th

Overheard by: Anniemal

20-year-old bakery chick: I was in Brooklyn yesterday on 18th Ave. There were three Mexicans on bikes. One was dressed like a banana. So then I walked up to him and I was like: "Dude, you're dressed like a banana and you're on a bike, that's awesome. Can I take a picture of you?"

–Bakery, Staten Island

Overheard by: Traci Cuccurullo

Loud girl: I never wash my fruit! I eat things that have fallen on the floor! And that's why I don't have allergies!

–375 Hudson St.

Overheard by: Harriet Vane