Scalpel….Scissors….Wednesday One-Liners…

Big black crossdresser: Oh honey, I know that no amount of surgery is going to make me a diva!

–3 Train

Overheard by: Kailee McMahon

Mother to small daughter: Honey, don't forget to wash your hands. (girl scrubs hands for a long time) Honey, you aren't getting ready to perform surgery. Hurry up.

–Women's Bathroom, The Met

Man: He had to have his top hat surgically removed.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Kevin

Intern: Latex gloves are for killing people, surgery and dying your hair.

–1501 Broadway

Overheard by: Randi

Loud woman on phone: Yeah, he got his tubes clipped this weekend. He's been fixed! Oh, but don't tell anyone, he doesn't want anybody to know.

–Dunkin Donuts

Girl on cell: How did teaching go? How was the surgery? Did human skin taste good?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: The Poogtastic One

Posted on October 15, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, Black People, Clothing, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Coworkers, Girls, Gossip, Hair, Health and Hygiene, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Murder, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Physical appearance, Plastic Surgery, Private Parts, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Sensory Experiences, Stall Spies, The Met, Trannies, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Women

Can You Sell Wednesday One-Liners on the Black Market?

Skater kid: Where's my tongue?

–Central Park

Overheard by: Toast

Guy on bus (shouting from the back of the bus): Driver, you know this bus is not gentle on those who have testicles. I mean there's all these bumps and everything's jumping around.

–B12 Bus

Butch lesbian yelling into phone: How do you think I found out my thyroid wasn't working?

–M14D Bus

Old guy to pretty girl: You have some nice legs. You should be doing stocking commercials. Anyone ever tell you that? (now to himself) Oh, the woes of racism have plagued us from Egyptian times!

–R Train

Stock floor guy on cell: Every time we think this thing is coming to a head, there's another head…how many heads does this thing have?

–Wall St & Broadway

Overheard by: Michael

Woman on cell: The best place for your thighs is around my neck. Yes it is. Yes it is. Yes it is. Yes it is.

–58th & Columbus Circle

Posted on October 15, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Balls, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Central Park, Clothing, Compliments, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Kids, Lesbians, Old People, On Cell, On the Bus, Public Transportation, Questions, Race, Sexuality, Skaters, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weirdness, Women

Relax, It's Just Appendicitis

20-something girlfriend: Ooh, I just got a sharp pain in my stomach.
20-something boyfriend (angrily): Why'd you hold your doody in!

–56th & 6th

Overheard by: Twiggy

Posted on October 13, 2008
Boyfriends, Couples, Default, Girlfriends, Health and Hygiene, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Poop, Questions, Sensory Experiences

Works Great With an Electric Sander

Boy #1: Dude, I want a personal ball-washer.
Boy #2: That's not sexy. That shit hurts!
Boy #1: What hurts? Washing your balls does not hurt.
Boy #2: It does if you do a good job.
Boy #1: There's something wrong with you.
Boy #2: It hurts if you get a good scrub in!
Boy #1: What kind of soap do you use?
Boy #2: Zest, cuz that shit smells delicious.

–67th & 2nd

Overheard by: glad i'm not a boy

Posted on October 12, 2008
Balls, Boys, Default, Health and Hygiene, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Upper East Side, Wishes & desires

Where a Urologist Would Just Pee on Them

Father: So what kind of doctor is that?
Five children (chorus): Plastic surgeon!
Father: That's right. A plastic surgeon fixes people's faces when people are on fire.

–Pike & Division

Overheard by: Jena

Posted on October 10, 2008
Dads, Default, Health and Hygiene, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Lower East Side, Medicine, Plastic Surgery, Questions, Words

Eventually, Snoop Would Find His Calling As a Rapper

Manager: How could you bring a dutch to work and not think that I would write you up for it? You'd better have a doctor's note for that.
Employee: Damn nigga, what'd you think? Of course I have a doctor's note!

–Duane Reade

Posted on October 9, 2008
9 to 5-ers, Coworkers, Default, Duane Reade, Health and Hygiene, Questions, Weed, Words

What Wine Goes Best With Wednesday One-Liners?

Haggard-looking middle-aged woman: Hi, yes, I need a refill. I need my Xanax. (short pause) My life is hell.

–CVS Pharmacy, 42nd & 10th Ave

Suit on cell: No mom, I'm not going to just start popping antidepressants without seeing a professional first! Why would you even say that?!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: I'd have prescribed some ritalin for him

MTA conductor over loudspeaker: Hey Bobby! Lay off the steroids, they're making your voice sound funny!

–MTA Harlem Line Train

Overheard by: Nina

Loud suit on cell: Hello? Yes, hi, I'd like to order a Viagra pill. Only one, sir. No, no, just one. Sir, I want only one pill of Viagra, can you do that for me? Can I pick it up tomorrow? Great, thank you. I look forward to seeing you. Take care now, bye bye.

–44th St & 3rd Ave

20-something girl: Whenever I have a bad day, I think "How did Hillary Clinton feel?" and then I don't feel so bad. I mean they must have put her on sedatives to make it through that.

–C Train

Cute girl on cell: Well, tell her if she takes all those pills I'm going to kill her!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: arctinus

Posted on October 8, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Erections, Girls, Health and Hygiene, Medicine, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murder, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Politics, Psychology, Store, Subway conductors, Suits, Threats, Women

Social Security What, Now?

Man in cast: Nah man, I can't I don't have health insurance.
Creepy man: You don't have health insurance?! I can get it for you! Just give me your social security number!
Man in cast: Oh yeah?

–East Village

Overheard by: Gina

Posted on October 6, 2008
Actors, Default, Health and Hygiene, Men, Offers and requests, Questions, Union Square and East Village

Wednesday One-Liners See London and France

30-something guy to another: She works for Sesame Street so she gets a lot of free underwear.

–Brooklyn Label, Greenpoint

Girl: Yeah, dude. She wasn't wearing any underwear so everyone was trying to pull down her skirt!

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: Mollie

Tourist mom in matching pink jumpsuit, struggling with too many children: Oh my Jesus, I wore the wrong thong today!

–42nd St

Overheard by: Emily

Puzzled hipster on cell: Wait…how did wearing a thong fuck up her eye?

–7th St & Ave A

Hipster girl on cell: Did you get your underwear? Lindsey! Goddamn it! "Eat" sounds nothing like "get!" Fuck! What? Fuck you, bitch! Taste of my own medicine, bullshit! I heard nothing about gnawing on my own underwear!

–Baskin-Robbins, Mulberry

Overheard by: Hana

Very blond mother pushing baby carriage, on cell: I don't care, we've talked about this! Don't fucking touch my underwear!

–20th St & 7th Ave

Posted on October 1, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Girls, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Insults, Lower Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Nudity, Offers and requests, Questions, TV, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

I Told Him to Use the Ladies'

Barnes & Noble employee #1: Some bum is washing his ass in the men's restroom.
Barnes & Noble employee #2 (in horror): Oh god.

–Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: Yesenia

Posted on September 30, 2008
9 to 5-ers, Ass, Coworkers, Default, Etiquette, Health and Hygiene, Store, Weirdness

Health and Hygiene