Crazy guy: How long it take you to read that book?
Book reader: A few days.
Crazy guy: I got some books back at my apartment. You try to read 'em, you have a glitch. You gotta open up the creative part of your mind to read these. You gotta have a serious mental illness.
–E Train
Black lady #1: A rash, I got a rash! On my thing–my thing was little, they done made it big! And that shit is traveling, I don't know what the fuck I gonna do.
Black lady #2 (watching soap opera on tv): Expelled?
Black lady #1: What the fuck is that?
Black lady #2: He's expelled, that means he can't come to school no more.
–Waiting Room, North General Hospital
Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze
Elderly customer: Excuse me, do you have enema bags?
Cashier #1: Enema bags?
Elderly customer: Yes, enema bags.
Cashier #1: Do we have enema bags?
Cashier #2: Animal bags?
Cashier #1: No, enema bags.
Cashier #2: Oh, enema bags?
Cashier #1: Yes. Enema bags.
Elderly customer: I'll check the pharmacy.
–Duane Reade, 19th & 7th
Overheard by: Kate
Headline by: Nick
Runners-Up:
· “And This Is How Fido Got a Clean Colon” – lucas
· “Coincidentally Enough I Am Planning to Use It on an Animal.” – robin
· “Elderly Boy Scouts Are Always Prepared” – Rose
· “Love Thy Enema” – threetimefinalist
· “No, But We Do Know the Muffin Man” – BabakganoosH
· “The Deli Was Probably a Bad Place to Start” – Brian
(girl dressed in gym clothes walks into elevator)
Elevator operator: How was the gym?
Girl: Eh, fine. I wasn't very motivated today.
Elevator operator: That's okay honey, just pop a Xanax.
–Elevator, 15th & 7th
(construction man #1 is peeing at the urinal. Construction man #2 is inside a stall)
Construction man #2: This is the place where all the dicks hang out, eh? Haha.
Construction man #1: Do these things flush by themselves, then?
Construction man #2: Yeah, man, you're taking a shit and you don't even get to see the turd sitting there.
Construction man #1: Whoosh!
Construction man #2: It just gets sucked away. You don't get to see the tapeworms, or whatever freaky crap is in there this time.
–Basement, NYU Tisch Film School
Overheard by: Knoll
Woman on cell: I didn't take a bath with your dog!
–Long Island Railway
Overheard by: Jeff
Smug girl to gaggle: No, these are my period pants. My mom washed them for me!
–Columbia University
Overheard by: bih.
Very loud crackhead to nobody in particular: Today is great day…I got my pussy washed and I got new crutches.
–14th St
Overheard by: Cuttie
Middle aged man to another: I miss seeing my wife do squats while cleaning the tub.
–Central Park Loop
Overheard by: Nick Kinling
Woman with awful red lipstick: I am too lazy to shower. Ooh! Did I tell you I discovered dry shampoo?
–Broadway & 112th
Overheard by: do us a favor and bathe
Teenage girl to another: I don't know what the fuck he's talking about…I wash my titties everyday with Lever2000.
–D Train
Overheard by: Derrick Walker
Girl, reading Hydrocortisone cream label: What is “sorey asses”?
Friend: It's “psoriasis,” asshole!
–Morningside Heights
Overheard by: Sarah
Male barista: Do you have any Tylenol?
Male cashier: No, sorry dude. I left my purse at home.
Male barista: Oh, so you probably left your Motrin in there too…you know, for your cramps.
Male cashier: No, dude, not Motrin. That's Midol.
–Starbucks
Overheard by: a med student
Girl #1: I can't believe John lets that guy fuck him in his ass…I mean, he's got to have hemorrhoids.
Girl #2: I know, I hate hemorrhoids, you really got to guard against that shit.
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Atrain
Woman: But I feel bad hitting you! You're injured!
Man: Oh, stop. I didn't die.
–Staten Island Physician Practice
Overheard by: Green Star
