Men

If Everybody You Meet Is a Wednesday One-Liner, Check the Mirror

Guy to friend: Yeah, Eric's an asshole, but he's like… my asshole.

–11th & Broadway

Overheard by: Z

Man on cell: I enjoy sucking the wind out of assholes.

–Brooklyn Public House

Overheard by: In fairness, the conversation was about verbal bullies

Girl: Wow, my asshole has just been all sorts of evil all day, I shat in four different bathrooms on this floor and the one up, so I wouldn't suffer alone. I shared its wrath. Is that wrong?

–Office, Midtown

Loud dude: My asshole is really fucking itchy!

–Bronx High School of Science

Overheard by: urbanadventurer

Crazy hobo: Attention everyone! You're all assholes! Stupid assholes!!

–Park Row, near Brooklyn Bridge

Overheard by: Hollister

Should Someone Call Animal Precinct?

Woman: One grande caramel frappuccino with extra whipped cream, please.
Man: You know there’s six or seven hundred calories in that, right?
Woman: It’s not for me, it’s for my hamster. I swear.

–Starbucks, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: fion

…Both Of Which Are Mortgaged

Man, in a fury: And then she said that you had three kidneys and you won't share none of them! That ain't true, is it?
Woman, dejected: No, I only have two kidneys…

–Cooper Square

Overheard by: traceface

Didn't You Say That About Ross Perot?

Man #1 (referring to Sarah Palin): Yeah, she's beautiful. She'll eventually become a TV star… Fox'll give her a job.
Man #2: Exactly. I wouldn't want her to be president, but I'd want to see her naked.

–7 Train

Overheard by: emma

Or Worse, in Grease 2

Man to cop: But if I shoot and kill someone in my home, it's no problem, right?
Cop: No problem here; but you might have a problem in Greece.

–30th Ave & 31st St

Overheard by: venniblue

Jessica Simpson: I Am So With You

Younger man: Maybe I’ll marry your sister. Then I’ll kill myself.
Older man: I’m waiting to give my sister to an enemy.

–Ditmars Blvd, Astoria

Overheard by: Christine

Overheard in the Headlines

Man: My friend asked me if they were shooting a movie, and I said,
“Yeah, it’s called Bombscare.”

–Astor Place

Unless I Could Interest You in Some Rebound Sex?

20-something girl (following older man and sniffing him): Mmmmmmm.
Older man (letting her pass): Excuse me?
Girl: Sorry about that. You smell like my boyfriend. And he dumped me two days ago. (eyes well up)
Older man: Well, you're making me nervous. Keep on walking, honey.

–4 Train

Overheard by: alex

Wednesday One-Liners Remember elimiDATE Fondly

Man on cell: Yeah man, she is so not anyone that I would be willing to invest years in… I mean I don't want to have to spend my time actually working on it. I figured, hell, I kind of want to wake up next to someone a couple of days a week, so I might as well hang on through the summer. No, she has no idea…

–Columbus & 62nd St

Grad student: They have this symbiotic relationship in which he does all the eating and she does all the drinking.

–Columbia University

Woman to herself: God, I asked you for a good man; not a fucking joke!

–Spring & Hudson

Overheard by: Oscar Gamble

Firefighter to others: It's not that I have anything against commitment; I just like diversity.

–125th St Fairway

Overheard by: Just Shoppint

Man in shorts to another: I wouldn't date a girl with double vision, period.

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Dr No-Eyes

Businesswoman to hobo: If you get back in the dating scene, I'll kill you.

–Houston & Lafayette

Overheard by: Homeless guy must be hung

Who Let the Wednesday One-Liners Out?

Queer, to his German Shepherd: Steven, don’t play these mind games with me!

–23rd & 8th

Man, restraining his dog from following another dog across the street: C’mon, buddy. It wasn’t meant to be.

–6th St & 7th Ave, Park Slope

Woman dragging her dog away from another dog who is barking frantically: You know what? You’re just cuter than her. That’s why she’s so upset.

–Ditmars Blvd, Astoria

Overheard by: sara n.

Cop to his whining German Shepherd: Awww, what’s wrong baby? Did you see an asshole?

–West 4th Station

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