Dude: If you weren’t Dan’s girlfriend, I would totally do you.
Chick, after long pause: I don’t know how to respond to that.
–Crowded Q101 bus
Overheard by: Kierstan
Dude: If you weren’t Dan’s girlfriend, I would totally do you.
Chick, after long pause: I don’t know how to respond to that.
–Crowded Q101 bus
Overheard by: Kierstan
Ghetto girl #1: I went over there, and she's pregnant.
Ghetto girl #2, gasping: Pregnant with a *baby*?
–Q30 Bus
Overheard by: Cori
Headline by: missquirk
Runners-Up:
· “‘Cuz If It’s an Alien Again, I’m Skipping the Shower” – 1310 (formerly SNA)
· “Depends on Whether You Ask Pro-Lifers or Pro-Choicers” – Ryan
· “I Better Go Back and Check” – Mike
· “Judging by the Bleeding Statues and Pentagrams, No” – The Least Funny Demon
· “Never Take a Roofie at the Zoo” – Nick Pollotta
· “No, Just Shoplifting Again” – Skug Skellum
· “No………She Just Likes to Pause a Lot” – clair
· “Rosemary’s Friends Saw It Coming” – asdfghjkl;
· “She Was Drunk. The Dog *Looked* Like a Dude” – Jim
· “Someone’s Seen Alien a Few Too Many Times…” – Kei
· “Well It’s Either That or the Spawn Of Satan…” – J
Teen chick #1: My face is sticky.
Teen chick #2: Is it from my cock in your mouth?
Teen chick #3: Everyone on the bus just heard that.
Teen chick #2, yelling: I don’t have a cock, people, I promise!
Teen chick #3: Yeah, justify yourself to a bus full of people. Go ahead.
–M11 bus
Overheard by: Alexa
Gay guy on cell: And they had the guy with the biggest butt stand next to the guy with the second-biggest butt! Seriously, what is wrong with them?
–6th Ave & 12th
Woman getting on a crowded train, looking for a seat: See, I told you there would be a lot of behinds on this train!
–N Train
Overheard by: Some behind lucky enough to find a seat.
Thug to another: After I wipe his ass, I'm gonna beat his ass!
–86th & Park Ave
Woman on cell: So, what are you going to tell him? "Sorry, I can't marry you–your ass is broken"?
–1st & 23
Teen to friend: Why didn't he use a tennis racket? It would have left that waffle fry look on your ass.
–Bus to Penn Station
Skipping tween girl to metrosexual father: I've seen your butt, you know!
–72nd & Lexington Ave
Overheard by: Shannon
Goofy guy, trying and failing to pick up a stranger: The thing is, I had a big fight with my girlfriend this morning.
Woman (about to get off bus): Oh, sorry. That's never easy…my advice to you is, reconcile.
Goofy guy: Yeah, well, but she's a little bipolar.
–Westbound 57 Bus
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Son: Dad, you want my banana?
Dad: Hell, no, I don’t want your banana! That don’t even sound right!
–M9 bus, Ave B
Overheard by: JennPee
Girl, while texting: Cindy, this is so weird.
Cindy: What is?
Girl: My predictive text. My phone recognizes “intravaginal”, “labradoodle,” “hornswoggle” and “clusterfuck,” but won't recognize “pomegranate” or “wildebeest!”
Cindy: Why would you need to use those words?
Girl: I like those pomegranate jelly beans my mom got from T.J. Maxx.
–M1 Bus
White girl, yelling to black friend: Heather! Come to the back of the bus and sit with me!
Heather: I ain't no Rosa Parks!
–Bus, Brooklyn
Chick #1: I felt a pop so I looked back and the string had broke.
Chick #2: How will you get it out then?
Chick #1: I don’t know. Bend over and stick a tweezer up there? Imagine if I can’t get it out and I have to go to the hospital, they’ll lock me up!
Chick #2: Nah, people get weirder stuff than that stuck up their ass all the time, like animals and shit.
–Bx34 bus
Overheard by: LLMT
Teen boy: Yo, why do they call it a quarter to 8? It’s 15 minutes, and 25 is a quarter.
Girl: Huh?
Teen boy: If I say a quarter to 8, what time is it? It’s 7:45, but that doesn’t make no sense, it should be 7:35, a quarter is 25 not 15. You still don’t get it do you?
Girl: No, I get it, I get it.
Boy: It just doesn’t make no sense.
–Q54 Bus, Queens
Overheard by: Emily
Headline by: Brian Q
Runners-Up:
· “At half past eight, he had a profound revelation” – born dumb and in denial
· “Cents and Sensibility” – Jeannine
· “Don’t get him started on “25 or 6 to 4″” – Morgan Charles
· “He may be dumb, but he’s perpetually early” – Josh H
· “Hobo: I’ll take either” – Jedipus
· “How Parking Meters Rip Us Off” – meter man
· “Kid has a point” – ello
· “Metric time claims another victim” – remark
· “Still searching for his 25 minutes of fame…” – C.T. Aiken
· “Time is money, but the dollar is weak” – Mike Britton
