The Rail World: Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor on loudspeaker: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a slight signal problem ahead of us. There are several supervisors working to flip a coin and decide how we should proceed. Once they work that out, we'll be on to 125th Street, and it should be smooth sailing from there.

–Uptown 6 Train

Overheard by: Melissa

Conductor: Do not shove! Stand clear of the doors! Ladies and gentlemen, there is another train directly behind this one. Look, people, we have to work together. If you get pick-pocketed, molested, or rubbed the wrong way, you only have yourselves to blame!

–6 Train

Overheard by: wondergirl

Conductor over intercom, after train stops: Stay calm, people. We are not going down. Repeat: this is not the Titanic, we are not going down!

–3 Train

Overheard by: C

Conductor: This train will now be running express so I suggest you get on this train… Hey you! Sitting on the bench! Get on this train now!

–R Train

Overheard by: kinda scared

Train conductor over loudspeaker: Good evening, Heather.

–Stamford-Bound Metro North Train

Overheard by: Dianachka

Conductor: Attention passengers, this is the almost always delayed 6:18 express train to Long Branch. If you were inconvenienced by the delay, shame on you, you should know New Jersey transit never operates on schedule.

–NJ Transit

Conductor: This is 7th Avenue, just three blocks from the 4th Avenue stop. You could have walked!

–F Train

Posted on April 29, 2009
Accidents, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Directions, Harassment, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Public Transportation, Stupidity, Thievery, Time, Trains Not Subway, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Possibly a Rudeceratops

Little kid, after passenger belches: Mommy, is that man a new dinosaur species? He sounds like it.
Mom: No, he's just rude.
(subway doors open and the passenger departs)
Little kid, yelling from the door: New species! New species!

–R Line

Posted on April 28, 2009
Animals & Nature, Glad the Condom Broke, Kids, Moms, On the Subway, Questions

Alan Barely Recognized His Fairy Godmother Anymore

Hipster #1: You got cancerous tumor in my benign cyst!
Hipster #2: No, you got benign cyst in my cancerous tumor.
Hobo: Y'all both need to get y'asses to a fuckin' doctor!
Hipster #2: Do I know you?

–Downtown 4 Train

Overheard by: Michael B. Isberg

Posted on April 27, 2009
Advice, Cancer, Hipsters, Hobos, On the Subway, Stupidity

God Can't Bake for Shit

Little girl in stroller to mother: Who made my heart, who made it, huh?
Mom: I made your heart, and god did.
Little girl: Can I eat it ?
Mom: No.
Little girl: Why not?
Mom: It doesn't taste good.
Little girl: Yes it does! It tastes like cake.

–B Train

Posted on April 26, 2009
Body Parts, Compare/Contrast, Food, God, Kids, Moms, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Parents, Sensory Experiences

My Publicist Will Issue a Statement Later in the Ride

Bad lady, starting her speech: Ladies and gentlemen…
Conductor over speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, there is no begging allowed on New York City subways. I repeat, there is no begging allowed on New York City subways.
Bag lady, looking nervous: I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, the conductor of the train and I do not get along.

–2 Train

Overheard by: Adam

Posted on April 26, 2009
Bag ladies, Conductors, Homeless, On the Subway, Panhandling, Public Transportation

In His Little Electric Highchair

20-something: He said he murdered someone.
Friend: He's so cute!
20-something: I know!

–N Train

Posted on April 25, 2009
Beauty, Friends, Idiots, Murder, On the Subway, Stupidity

She Was Like, “One Ringworm to Rule Them All”

Whole Foods employee #1: They called me and said some lady was in Whole Body licking all the the nail polishes.
Whole Foods employee #2: Licking the nail polishes? Shit. Well, there was this one time they said a woman was walking around with one shoe off, so I went to check, and she had some infection or some shit, and one foot was like…Hobbit-sized.
Whole Foods employee #1: Wow! So she had a Frodo-foot?
Whole Foods employee #2: Yeah, a Frodo-foot. That's when you just start banning people.

–1 Train

Overheard by: percivalundercover

Posted on April 24, 2009
Body Parts, Books & Writing, Coworkers, Health and Hygiene, Licking, Makeup, On the Subway, Shoes, Weirdness

We Love This Kid

Mother to young son: If daddy asks you why mommy's upset with him, you say it's because he doesn't take care of her.
Young son: I ain't saying nothing.

–B Train

Posted on April 23, 2009
Family Ties, Glad the Condom Broke, Kids, Moms, On the Subway, Parents, Relationships

I Know a Great Place Around Here That Does Deliveries

Teenage girl #1: Oh my god, could you imagine having a baby, like, you know…inside of you?
Teenage girl #2: Oh my god, no! Eeeww!
Teenage girl #1: I know, right? But I would do it.
Teenage girl #2: You would? You wouldn't mind them cutting into you?
Teenage girl #1: They do that?
Teenage girl #2: Yeah, you get cut open. It's called a Sicilian.

–Uptown 6 Train

Overheard by: Brandon

Posted on April 23, 2009
Babies, Names, On the Subway, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Stab, Stupidity, Teens

Nobody's More Bitter Than Ex-Gymnasts

Young girl: How old are you?
22 year-old girl: I'm 22.
Young girl: And you're pregnant!
22 year-old girl: No I'm not.
Young girl: Why do you have a big belly then?
22 year-old girl: Well you know, when you're my age, hormonal and stuff, you'll get fat. People will think you're pregnant when you're not, and you'll cry. So you'll eat tons of salads to make the belly disappear but it won't work and you'll be sad. That's all life's about. Don't grow up.

–A Train

Overheard by: Violette

Posted on April 23, 2009
Age/Aging, Body Parts, Crying, Diet/Weight, Girls, Kids, On the Subway, Physical appearance, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Should've Used a Condom, Vegetarian & Vegan

On the Subway