On the Subway

The Essential Facts Are Explained at Length in The Bonfire of the Vanities

Thug boy: Yo, nigga, why you wearin’ a tie? You gotta go to court?
Teacher: No.
Thug girl: I bet you gotsta go to a funeral. Somebody got kilt, right?
Teacher: No, I just thought I would wear a tie for my first day. I’m a new teacher here.
Thug guy: Yeah, no shit you new, dressin’ like the fuckin’ president or some shit. You gonna get your dumb ass jumped.
Teacher: For dressing nicely?
Thug girl: Stupid ass white people don’t know shit about livin’ in New York.

–Franklin K Lane HS, Brooklyn

Overheard by: jeff lebowski

The Thought That Her Pleasure Could be Heightened Caused Him Considerable Angst

Long Island girl #1: Yeah, I totally thought that he was into the whole making me cum first thing.
Long Island girl #2: What happened?
Long Island girl #1: I bought “Her Pleasure” condoms, and he threw a hissy fit.

–A train

She Needs More Than a Popsicle

Girl: Oh that dude? He was so bangable!
Guy: Don’t say that. You’re ten.
Girl: Eleven!

–Uptown 1 train

Overheard by: LaurenAH

I Couldn’t Find the Roman Numerals on my Keyboard, so I Used Exclamation Marks

Teen boy: Well, I tend to write more sloppily.
Teen girl: Sloppily!? Is that even a word?
Teen boy: It’s an adverb.
Teen girl: Yes, but I said, “Is that even a word?”

–Downtown 1 train

Overheard by: Trying not to laugh outloud
Headline by: Liz-a-saurus

Runners-Up:
· “I Can’t Keep up. It’s Like English Has a Different Word For Everything” – john
· “Another Blow to the Adverb Civil Rights Campaign” – Susan
· “It Depends on What Your Definition of ‘Is’ Is…” – NTM
· “Only For Handwriting and Prostitution” – scott
· “Right After That, he Prepositioned Her” – Brik
· “She Gave up on School to Focus on Getting Pregnant” – ak
· “That White Flag You See Is From the Makers of Schoolhouse Rock” – Amanda
· “Wait, I Didn’t Understand. I Had Your Dick in my Ear.” – JBunny
· “Well at Least You’ve Got Great Tits” – Peter
· “You Sure Ask a Lot of Questions For Someone With no Forehead” – weston

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

If You Want it to Be

Girl #1: Why don’t you just email me?
Girl #2: Oh, let me guess: hotmail? You look like you use hotmail!
Girl #1: Yahoo…Wait, was that a come-on?

–R train

Overheard by: Michael

Having Sex With a Really Fat Grandparent?

Girl #1: Yeah, there’s fucking nothing worse than seeing your parents have sex.
Girl #2: Your grandparents having sex, dude.
Girl #1: Or, like, two really, really fat people.

–R train

Alexander Confronts the Gordian Knot

Passenger: There’s something wrong at the UN so I have to go in and fix it.

–F train, Carroll St

Overheard by: confused grad student

Alcohol Burns More Than One Thing, Son

Ghetto teen reveals bottle of liquor stashed in plastic bag.

Ghetto teen #1: Yo, that shit burns your esophagus, but it tastes so good.
Ghetto teen #2: Nah, son, alcohol burns your liver.
Ghetto teen #1: No! Your esophagus!
Ghetto teen #2: No, your liver…Wait, is esophagus another word for liver?

–7 train

“Now Let’s Go Get Some Raw Fish Wrapped in Seaweed”

Little girl, pointing to an ad depicting peanut butter and banana on
bread: What is that?
Mother, looking at the ad for a moment: It’s sushi.
Little girl: What’s sushi?
Mother: It’s Chinese food…You wouldn’t like it.

–Downtown B train

Headline by: Maniac Moll

Runners-Up:
· “愚かなアメリカ人” – Oog Oog
· “1 Billion Americans Couldn’t be Wrong” – Moze
· “50,000 Elvis Fans Discover They Like Raw Fish” – ED
· “And Why Don’t We Like Chinese Food? That’s Right, ‘Cause They Bombed Pearl Harbour” – Brendan
· “Choosey Moms Choose Eel and Avocodo” – PJ
· “Don’t Tell Me What I Like, You Chink Bitch” – Bevan
· “If You Eat the Wrong Part, You Become a Gorilla” – devin the artist
· “It’s Only Chinese if the Banana Is Small” – Oren K
· “Mommy, it Looks so Much Like Daddy’s Cock Coming Out of Your Asshole.” – Extra Character
· “New Study Finds Confusion Prevents Childhood Obesity” – Booters
· “Technically, Honey, It’s Sashimi” – ED

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Now She’s Never Going to Buy Me Drugs Anymore

Teenage girl #1: Oh my God, I forgot to tell you! I lost my fake ID!
Teenage girl #2: Shit! Your mom’s gonna kill you!

–G train

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