Public Transportation

Wednesday One-Liners Have Trouble Re-Folding the Map

New Yorker: …and then the tourists paused near the construction of the New York Times’ new building, and one, who was I guess their leader, pointed to it and said, “Everyone, that’s Ground Zero.”

–26th & Park

Tourist: And this is H Street. So we’ll be in SoHo next.

–Houston Street

Tourist girl: Oh, look! I think that’s Times Square!

–Broadway & Houston

Overheard by: Sumitra

Woman on cell: No, I can’t. I’m in the Times Square area right now.

–Canal & Baxter

Overheard by: Steph J.

Dude: Excuse me, is this Times Square?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Dumbfounded

Teenage girl: Does this train go to Manhattan?

–Times Square, waiting for the downtown C train

Overheard by: Courtney

Tourist: Wait, are we in Manhattan or just New York?

–Times Square

Overheard by: betsy

Australian hipster: Could you tell me how to get back to Manhattan?

–112th & Broadway

Another One Undergoes His NYC Initiation

Tourist: Excuse me, would you mind moving your bag? It’s touching my knee.
New Yorker: What the fuck! You’re not from around here, are you son?
Tourist: No sir, I’m from Richmond Virginia. Just got in this morning.
New Yorker: Yeah, no shit.

–9 train

Overheard by: Greg Rutter

We Hereby Declare the New Staten Island Ferry Open for Eavesdropping

Older gentlemen: How much did this boat cost?
Younger guy: 1.6 billion dollars. It’s the only boat of its kind.
Older gentlemen: Well that ain’t for us; we think it’s for us but it’s for the tourists…

–The Guy Molinari

Overheard by: Lou

It Stands for Keeping Us Safe from the Terrorists

White mom: Does this train stop at Canal Street?
Black guy: Yeah, it goes there, it goes there. It’s not going there anytime soon. ‘Cause you know what the MTA stands for? Might Take Awhile.

–E train

Isn't That, Like, Spanish or Something?

College student #1: Yeah, it was in Brooklyn. I had to take, like, the L. I've never even heard of that!
College student #2: The L? Wow!

–NYU

Only Crazy Subway Preachers Know Both

Tourist: Does this train stop at Cortland Street?
Nun: Yes, it does.
Guy: No, it doesn’t. The station is closed.
Nun: I’ve been riding this train over 20 years. It stops at Cortland Street.
Guy, as train passes Cortland Street station: Lady, you may know Jesus, but I know the subways.

–1 train

Wednesday One-Liners are Part of New York City… Technically

Hipster girl: ‘Flushing Queens’ would be a great name for a man.

–Barnard College

Overheard by: Beautiful Barnard Woman

Drunk dude watching girl rip the shirt off a guy: What, no blood? Queens is lame.

–Shea Stadium

Boyfriend to girlfriend: Prepare to be blown away by the majesty of Queens!

–E train platform, Penn Station

Conductor: This is a Queens-bound A train.

–Brooklyn-bound A train

Overheard by: Maggie

Conductor: This is a Queens-bound… No, Manhattan-bound… No, Queens… Wait, hang on. This is a Manhattan-bound E train. Next stop: 53rd and Lex… Shit.

–Manhattan-bound E train, 53rd & Lex

Announcement over the subway: This is not the Queens-bound E train. [Half the train empties] This is the Queens-bound E train.

–E train, Penn Station

The United One-Liners Of Wednesday

Female suit on cell: And if we get custody, we can take the girls to North Carolina! Fuck it! Yeah, we can!

–37th St & Madison

Overheard by: catching a train

Little boy: Mommy, is California really far? Would we have to take the f train to get there?

–N Train

Crazy-eyed lady on subway: The public schools failed my son! He flunked out, and now he's getting all As in private school! We need to stop putting money into Georgia and put money into our schools! You know what else we need to do? We need to drill in Alaska, because if we don't, Russia's going to get a pipeline in there and take it all!

–Uptown R Train

Overheard by: Anna P.

20-something woman: I think he's just going to club me…and drag me back to Alaska.

–Bleecker & 11th

Overheard by: Imma club you

Father to five-year-old daughter touching signposts and cars: You can rub anything you want in Connecticut, honey, but we have to be careful in New York.

–Union Square

Thugette: Ohio was mad crazy. Hillbillies be fucking chillin' on the block. Ain't no one had teeth! No one! You ever seen one of those movies where some white guy goes fucking crazy and kills, like, ten people? Like he's walking down the street and just stabs a cat in the neck? It was like that.

–V Train

As the Dodgers Said in 1957

Guy #1: (howls like an animal)
Guy #2: (makes owl noise and starts hooting)
Group of people, including guys #1 and #2: (all start making animal calls, screams, hoots etc)
Man #1 on train: Shut the fuck up!
Group of howlers: (sporadically throws in more animal noises and then profusely thanks the glaring audience as they exit train)
Man#2 on train: At least they're someone else's problem now.
Man#1 on train: I'm never going to Brooklyn again.

–F Train

Overheard by: it only takes 3 stops to decide

Wednesday One-Liners Are Carrying Low

Guy: I had to yell at her and tell her that she couldn’t be pregnant — I mean, dude, that was last week.

–St. Marks & 3rd Ave

Preggers to male friend: And that asshole came up and body-slammed me on the train platform! Of course, everyone was looking at me like I’m the animal. How can you body-slam a woman who’s seven months pregnant and not feel bad?

–D train

Overheard by: Jannine Ramlochan

Preggers to lady pushing to get to cupcake table: Lady, I am four months pregnant. Getting between me and those cupcakes is a really, really good way to lose an arm.

–Magnolia Bakery

Snotty actress: Oh my gosh, she is such a good writer for my acting type. Her script is so like, like — pregnant with promise.

–14th & Broadway

Overheard by: Emilia

Girl on phone: No, I can’t have sex with you. Because then if I got pregnant I’d have to be like, ‘Whose baby is it? Well, let’s see — is it black, white, brown…?’

–Grand Central Station

British mother to young son: Do you know what I had to eat when I was pregnant with you, Bill? Buns! Buns! Buns! Buns! That’s why you’re mad about buns. [To daughter] And that’s why you like brown things.

–Varick & King St

Young woman to friends: And she keeps getting pregnant, and I’m like, ‘Stop it, woman!’

–Columbia campus

Overheard by: Cheney

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