Wednesday One-Liners: a Space Odyssey

30-something suit on cell: We live in an infinite universe. That means there are infinite possibilities. You are insignificant compared to the size of the universe. You mean absolutely fuck-all nothing, so get off your high horse and do what you're told.

–40th St & Madison Ave

Overheard by: Megan

Guy on cell: Dude, so how much more time do you have in Russia before you go into space?

–Ave A & 8th St

Overheard by: Daniella

Guy on cell: The subways are like the planets. Generally they're in their orbit, but you never know. (pause) Really? C'mon, Mars!

–Uptown C Train

Overheard by: furf

Three-year-old boy to adult family friend: I love you to outter space! Outter space goes upupupupup!

–West Village

Crazy man straddling bike: Goddamn! I can't believe I missed the last rocket ship to the moon! (in high-pitch voice) It's okay, man! There's another one in five minutes!
(back in normal voice) Okay, man, that's cool. Roger that.

–1st Ave & 1 St

Sales associate: They worked with NASA scientists. This is what the moon actually smells like.

–Home Fragrance Department, Bergdorf Goodman

Overheard by: Heather H.

Posted on January 13, 2010
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Animals & Nature, Astronomy, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Friends, Guys, Height, Kids, Love, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Philosophy, Public Transportation, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Store, Suits, Time, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village

Too Bad I Quit Being Black on the Subway

White guy to black kid in subway doorway: Don't stop right in the doorway, you punk! Don't yell at me for running into you when you stopped in front of me!
Black kid: Yo, dude, if I were really, really black, I'd kill you right now!

–F Train

Posted on January 7, 2010
Black People, Murder, Nicknames & name calling, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Race, Violence, White People

It's Right Up There with “Who Shot JFK?”

Metro-north conductor: This train has five cars open.
Drunk teenage girl: Your mom has five cars open! Your mom's fellatio lips are open too!
(trio sits in row in front of girl and friend)
Drunk girl: I hate you, don't sit here. We're all going to throw up on you. Why are you still here? No one likes you.
Girl's friend: Why are you so drunk?
Drunk girl: That's something we'll never know.

–Metro-North

Posted on January 7, 2010
Comebacks, Conductors, Drunks, Friends, Gripes, Parents, Private Parts, Public Transportation, Teens, Trains Not Subway, Vomit, Weirdness

Smokey Says, “Only You Can Prevent Wednesday One-Liners!”

Guy: So I'm like, "can I get a lighter?" and she pulls out two, and one is literally a penis with the flame coming out the tip, and the other one is a guy doing one of these moves, and the guy's like a tripod. So I'm like, "can I get one in a normal color?"

–Chinatown

African American man describing Indian restaurant to friend: That'll put fire in yo' ass.

–Midtown

Man to stranger: Hey, can I borrow you lighter? I need to go melt something in the bathroom.

–Jamaica Station

Overheard by: Tim

Conductor: Once again, there is nothing on fire! We got it under control. We apologize for the smoke. Next stop is Newark airport. There is nothing on fire.

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Where there's smoke

Posted on January 6, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Black People, Chinatown, Colors, Conductors, Ethnic Food, Fire, Friends, Gadgets, Guys, Hard Drugs, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, One-liners, Passengers, Penis, Poop, Public Transportation, Strangers, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Trains Not Subway, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

It's the Birth Defect Nobody Talks About

Snobby Upper East Side lady to obviously pregnant lady: There's no room in here! Ugh, move over! You're just too fat!
Pregnant lady, slightly baffled, What a bitch!
Snobby lady, with nose in the air: Yes, I am.

–6 Train

Overheard by: sara

Posted on January 1, 2010
Diet/Weight, Insults, On the Subway, Only in New York, Preggers, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Public Transportation, Women

Why Do We Teach Kids to Talk?

Mother, pointing out seat to four-year-old daughter: Sit down there, honey. Don't touch anything.
Daughter, indicating her seat: Did you see? I touched it and then I licked my hand.

–F Train

Overheard by: Southern Discomforts

Posted on December 31, 2009
Body Parts, Cleanliness, Health and Hygiene, Kids, Moms, On the Subway, Parents, Public Transportation

This Cane Is Just for Style, Like Mr. Peanut.

Young man: Sir, would you like my seat?
Old man grimly clutching pole: No no, I'll stand.
Young man: Are you sure?
Old man: Yes, thank you.
Young man: Well, okay.
Old man: It's not *just* about being macho. I am getting off at the next stop. (pause) It is about being macho, though!

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Posted on December 24, 2009
Gender issues, Men, Old People, On the Subway, Public Transportation

Wednesdays Would Sell Their Souls for Some One-Liners

Theology professor, after struggling with projection screen: This is Satan doing this to me.

–Lincoln Center, Fordham University

Crazy man with bullhorn: Hanukkah is for God, Christmas is for Satan!

–Fordham Plaza

Conductor: This is an uptown a train making all local stops. Yes, you heard right, all local stops. The e train is out of service today, as it is on a vacation to hell. Stand clear of the closing doors, please!

–A Train

Overheard by: Kirstie

Girl yelling to two friends across train: Jay-Z is like a devil worshipper. No, seriously, he's like a Freemason or whatever. They all are: him, Madonna, Britney…

–J Train

Seven-year-old tourist to mother: Are we going somewhere safe where the devil won't get me?

–34th & 28th

Posted on December 23, 2009
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Crazies, Education, Fears, Friends, Girls, God, Holidays, Judaism, Kids, Men, Moms, Music, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Public Transportation, Queens, Questions, Satan, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, The Bronx, Tourists, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Ooo, I Smell the Premise for a New Game Show!

Flight attendant: Sir, are you looking for the bathroom?
Passenger: Yes, which door is it?
Flight attendant: It's the door right there.
(passenger walks towards the exit door of the plane)
Flight attendant: No, sir, not that door. If you open that door, you will kill yourself.

–Flight over JFK

Posted on December 22, 2009
Advice, Flight Attendants, JFK Airport, Passengers, Public Transportation, Suicide

Are You Tearing Up, Dude?

Student #1: I was on my way to work one morning, and I saw a live cockroach scurrying across the sidewalk in broad daylight.
Student #2: I thought that they don't like the light? I've only seen them at night and in subways.
Student #1: This was like a badass little rebel cockroach. I bet he got sick of being a slave to the darkness and dared to go where no cockroach has ever gone before. And all his cockroach friends were like “Don't do it, Jerry, no one's ever come back!” but they just couldn't hold him back.

–Lincoln Center, Fordham University

Overheard by: Fordham Student

Posted on December 19, 2009
Advice, Fordham, Insects, Public Transportation, Students, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness

Public Transportation