Wednesday One-Liners Have a Sweet Tooth

Hobo, to commuters: I’m hungry, homeless, and unemployed. I’m selling these candies for $0.25 so I can buy a meal. You’re all going to die, and you can’t take it with you, so give it to me!

–Shuttle to Times Square

Overheard by: Wondering why he couldn’t just eat the candy…?

Girl: So she was like: "Why can’t we have a candy corn background?" and I was like "Because you’re an idiot!"

–Starbucks, 34th St

Overweight yet stylish gay man: She had a hunger deep inside her that only a Snickers could quench.

–M101 Bus

Overheard by: Holla Back Girl

Mother to young son: You can get something, but I don’t want you to pick out no fucking twenty dollar candy. You ain’t been that good.

–Hershey World, Times Square

Overheard by: esgeness

Professor to student: I found out what they put in their brownies, I plan to use it against them!

–101st & Broadway

Group of high school girls to Mister Softee ice cream truck driver: Hey ice cream man! Ice cream man! Give us some ice cream! We’ll suck you off!

–Beverley & Ocean Parkway

Overheard by: A Radiant Sulk Ninja

Posted on June 4, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Death, Fat People, Food, Girls, Grocery Stores, Hobos, Homeless, Insults, Moms, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On the Bus, Panhandling, Parents, Queer guys, Starbucks, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Teachers/Professors, Teens, Times Square, Weirdness

What Do They Do With the Other One?

Chick: Yeh, they take one of your boobs and turn it into your penis.
Gay guy: That’s sooo weird.

–61st & Broadway

Overheard by: Wish I heard more of this one

Posted on May 22, 2008
Default, Girls, Nipples, Penis, Queer guys, Surgery, Trannies, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness

And How Do Wednesday One-Liners Make You Feel?

Mother, to crying four-year-old trying to grasp her hand: If you don’t stop this behavior you are going to have to see a psychiatrist. [Child keeps at tantrum] This behavior is excessive and abnormal, and I don’t have the patience for it.

–Washington G Station

Stern bimbette: No. My fave dead therapist said that I need to make sure that I surround myself with people who are nice to waiters and their moms.

–Court Street & Joralemon, Brooklyn

NYU chick, calmly: So then I just had a teeny little breakdown!

–West 4th St

Woman on cell: So where are you? [pause] Is that "Therapy" the bar or therapy therapy?

–Manhattan Plaza Gym, 43rd St

Girl on cell: Don’t you think I’m a psycho? [pauses, laughs] Why not?

–Bedford and North 7th

20-something homo: Scientology is just like therapy except without the stigma of therapy.

–52nd & 9th

Overheard by: Trey Givens

Posted on May 21, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bimbettes, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Gyms, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, On Cell, Parents, Psychology, Queer guys, Questions, Religion, Should've Used a Condom, Street, Students, Subway stations, platforms, etc., The Village, Threats, Weirdness, Women

Be Sure to Take Pictures for Me!

Girl, handing phone to gay Asian friend: Here, talk to John.
Gay Asian friend: Hi, John… Are you naked? [pause] What? You are naked? In this weather?! Damn, man, your thing must be as small as a peanut by now!

–Borders Bookstore, 100th & Broadway

Overheard by: Stunned and literate

Posted on May 20, 2008
Asians, Compare/Contrast, Default, Friends, Girls, On Cell, Penis, Queer guys, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Store, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weather

Hobo Rule #293: Know Your Audience

Homeless man walking towards group of queers: Hey guys! “The sun’ll come out…”
Queers, elated: “Tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there’ll be sun…”

–9th St & 3rd Ave

Posted on May 16, 2008
Default, Hobos, Music, Queer guys, Singing, Union Square and East Village

The Music Sucks Though

Flamboyant black guy #1: That’s what I love about being gay. All these bitches be loving on me so I get them to do my homework.
Flamboyant black guy #2: True.

–Washington Square North

Posted on May 12, 2008
Black People, Default, Education, Gays and Lesbians, Gender issues, Guys, Love, Queer guys, Washington Square Park

Instead of Going to a Third-World Country for That Stuff, Like I Do

Queer #1: Dude, I’m so broke! I never have any money!
Queer #2: That’s because you buy coke and get your face lasered!

–Vlada

Overheard by: K to tha B

Posted on May 11, 2008
Bars & Clubs, Cocaine, Default, Gripes, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Queer guys, Surgery

You Guys Are Like the Gay Abbott and Costello

[Heading towards the restaurant “Good”.]Gay guy #1: Where are we going again?
Gay guy #2: It’s “Good”.
Gay guy #1: What’s good?
Gay guy #2: The name of the restaurant we’re going to.
Gay guy #1: I asked you what it was.
Gay guy #3: Oh, we are so not doing this…

–The Village

Posted on May 10, 2008
Default, Directions, Names, Queer guys, Questions, The Village, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Are in Dire Need of a Glade Plug-In

Drunk, angry Puerto Rican girl to boyfriend: You had to make me smell like fuckin’ Chinese food on new year’s eve!

–Grand St & Graham Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: someone who happily had a different New Year’s date, and wonders whether there is a Designer Imposters version of such a scent.

Disgusted McDonald’s patron: This shit smells worse than a hobo’s taint!

–14 & Broadway

Overheard by: Shemp

Man, entering subway car: Son, it smells like home depot in here.

–4 Train

Drunk sorostitute on cell: It smelled fine. It was just a febreeze gone awry!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Queer: I can’t wait to move out of this decrepit office building. A couple of days ago a mouse died in the walls -you remember what that smells like. The guys in the office said: "Maybe it’ll go away after a week," but I told them it’s just going to get worse, so now they want to bring in some awful air freshener thing. Someone is already spraying that stuff in the men’s room, and it’s got a nasty artificial orange scent, so it smells like someone shat on a fruit basket.

–28th & Park

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Girl with a huge ugly weave: I smell fried chicken! [Pauses.] … Oh, it’s prolly me. [Keeps walking.]

–Library, Washington Irving High School