The Teachings Of Wednesday One-Liners

Professor: I have nothing against horse rapists, generally speaking.

–New School University

Overheard by: Evan Gilmer

Psychology professor: Chocolate may make you feel good, but cocaine will make you feel a lot better!

–Barnard College

Elderly history professor: I'm not sure of the consequences of what I'm saying, but I'm sure it's terribly important.

–Pratt Institute

Serious professor, on Freud: What's the matter, Anne, are you thinking about penis envy?

–Classroom, Hunter College

Overheard by: Rara

Bearded professor: He drew an eye on the bird and asked me "do you know what this means?" (short pause) "I swallow." What do you say to that?

–94th St & Broadway

Overheard by: DI

Elderly professor: You two ladies in the back want to cut the bullshit and listen to my brilliance?

–Tisch School of the Arts

Overheard by: Bruce Lee

Posted on October 27, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Birds, Classroom, Cocaine, College, Columbia (& Barnard), Comebacks, Compare/Contrast, Cum, Education, Food, Hunter, New School, Offers and requests, One-liners, Penis, Psychology, Questions, Rape, School and studying, Sensory Experiences, Students, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

One-Eyed, One-Horned Flying Wednesday One-Linereaters

Guy: …and then I'd be a cyborg.

–Soho

Overheard by: Nicole Q

Man on cell: But wouldn't that make you a vampire?

–45th St

Crazy guy, returning after briefly exiting car: I tried to make it to the end of the train, but I was blocked by a teenage werewolf. I have encountered them before, but never outside Brooklyn.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Canucking Futs

Guy on phone: In your next life, you're gonna come back as a vampire.

–Williamsburg

Dude, marveling to another on train: Damn, son, you look like Godzilla with a fade.

–Q Train

Hipster waiter: The fucking gnome took my remote control. The one thing in the world that I love. I told him, "you can take anything except the remote control." And sure enough, he took the fucking remote control.

–Restaurant, Williamsburg

Posted on October 27, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Baristas, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Guys, Hipsters, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Public Transportation, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Science, Sensory Experiences, Soho, Stupidity, Thievery, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Williamsburg

Wednesday One-Liners Eat at Friendly's

Mother to four-year-old making loud, weird noises in stroller: Will you shut up? See… That's why you don't have any friends.

–Supermarket, Astoria, Queens

Overheard by: George O.

Woman on cell: She put my friendship on the line for a Chanel bag! (pause) So I guess I'm worth like, $600 dollars.

–Starbucks, Astor Place

Overheard by: Kade

Angry woman to man: You had to fuck my friend?! You couldn't think of a better place to put your dick?

–Elevator, 75 Wall St

Overheard by: Jonathan

Seated guy to standing woman: I was out drinking with a friend. Well, less of a friend and more my parole officer…

–L Train

Overheard by: Bradburnside

Suit to woman: I don't believe in friends, ya know?

–22nd & 6th

Overheard by: Edyna

Posted on October 27, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Astoria, Compare/Contrast, Crime and Punishment, Drinking & Drunk People, Elevators, Fashion, Friendship, Grocery Stores, Kids, Men, Moms, Money & Class, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Passengers, Penis, Questions, Relationships, Sex, Starbucks, Suits, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

If You Build That, Men Will Come, Honey

30-something woman with shopping bags: I've decided the theme for my new apartment is “ah!” you know?
Legging-wearing friend: Yeah! How are you going to decorate?
30-something woman with shopping bags: I'm thinking very minimalist, you know, very simple. I'm getting two flat-screen TVs.

–Union Station

Overheard by: Aidan

Posted on October 26, 2010
Friends, Questions, Shopping, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., TV, Women

Only in the Bedroom, Sweetie

Young girl: Mommy, are you a lady?
Mother: Sometimes.

–1 Train

Posted on October 25, 2010
Girls, Kids, Moms, On the Subway, Parents, Questions, Sexuality

…A Professional Man

Hipster girl, clearly on first date: So what do you do?
Hipster guy, in deadpan voice: I'm an animal trainer for the circus.
(unbearably long pause)
Hipster girl: Wow.

–The Gate, Park Slope

Posted on October 25, 2010
Animals & Nature, Dating, Hipsters, Jobs & Careers, Park Slope, Questions

…Not the World Trade Center Site Though, Okay?

40-something woman #1, looking through WTC gates: Are we in Manhattan?
40-something woman #2, annoyed: No.
40-something woman #1: Oh… When are we going there?
40-something woman #2: We're doing that tomorrow.

–Church & Vesey

Posted on October 24, 2010
Lies, NYC Geography, Questions, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Women

Only in New York

Son, looking at sculpture of Mary with Jesus in lap: Who's that?
Mother: Christ.
Son: Who's Christ?
Mother, shouting: Jesus Christ!

–The Cloisters

Overheard by: sope

Posted on October 24, 2010
Families, Jesus, Moms, Parents, Questions, The Met, Visual Art

Eww, They're Wet!

20-something girl to friend returning from restroom: There you are! I almost sent a search party.
Friend: Yeah, I, uhm, had to go do number two.
20-something girl, enthusiastically: Awesome!
Friend: Yeah, I love a good number two.
20-something girl: Me too, man! Alriiiight! (raises hands for a high-five, then hesitates) Wait, you washed your hands, right?
Friend: Yeah, of course.
20-something girl, with renewed enthusiasm: Alriiiight! (they high five)

–Ikea, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Good thinking.

Posted on October 23, 2010
Brooklyn, Cleanliness, Friends, Girls, Poop, Questions, Store

Obamacare: Explained

Girl #1: What kind of insurance do you have?
Girl #2: Well, Medicaid, but it just got cut off.
Girl #1: What? They tried that shit with me. But I called everyday until they reinstated that shit. Sometimes you just gotta act black. No offense, I can say that because I'm Puerto Rican.
Girl #2: (nods)

–Doctor's Office, Jackson Heights

Posted on October 22, 2010
Brooklyn, Girls, Health and Hygiene, Office, Questions, Race

Questions