Sex

Too Good to Be True?

Woman #1: You see that guy?
Woman #2: Who?
Woman #1: The bartender.
Woman #2: Yeah, what about him?
Woman #1: I fucked him.
Woman #2: Was he any good?
Woman #1: No, he sucked shit.
Woman #2: Are you still fucking him?
Woman #1: Hell, yeah!
Woman #2: Why the hell are you fucking him, then?
Woman #1: We’re getting free drinks, aren’t we? And besides I’m bored and not getting any other dick at the moment so I might as well. I’ll ditch his dumb good-looking ass soon.
Woman #2: You mean when you find another good dick!
Woman #1: Whatever.
Woman #2: Cheers.

–Midtown Bar

Let's Make Some Coffee–These Negotiations Could Take All Night.

Cute blonde: I like fucking you. No, I love fucking you.
Buff guy: Yeah.
Cute blonde: But if I suck your dick and you cum, you'll fall asleep.
Buff guy: How about you suck my dick and then I fuck you?
Cute blonde: That never happens. But if you come with me to my friend Sam's party, I'll suck your dick.

–4 Train

Coincidentally, How Cleopatra Resolved Political Disputes

Guy, to girl with bangs and big eyes: I like that… Cleopatra thing you got goin’ on there.
Girl, annoyed: Cleopatra? You think I look like Cleopatra?
Guy: Well, yeah.
Girl: Okay. (sighs) Can we just have sex now?

–W 4th St

Even Hens Aren’t That Chicken

Teen girl: Do you like stroking my ears?
Teen guy: Do you like it when I stroke your ears?
Teen girl: That was one of the first things I noticed about you…that you were stroking my ears.
Teen guy: Yeah.
Teen girl: Have you done it to other girls before?
Teen guy: Wha?
Teen girl: I guess my boobs are really small, and you need something to grab on to.
Teen guy: …Do you ever cook meat?
Teen girl: This one time the mother of the kids I nanny made me make them chicken nuggets. But she left raw chicken out on the corner, and I had to make them in the bag with the Shake N’ bag, and I literally called my mother, like, sobbing, while I was shaking.
Teen guy: Whoa. That’s sucks that she made you, like, compromise your, like…Yeah…Yo…

–A train

Overheard by: subversively chic

I Need Compassion and an Alibi

Guy #1: She was 14?!
Guy #2: Well, I didn’t know she was 14 when I slept with her.
Guy #1: Dude, how did you not know?!
Guy #2: She didn’t look 14…
Guy #1: And you didn’t ask her age?
Guy #2: I did. She lied and said she was 21.
Guy #1: And you didn’t ask for some identification?
Guy #2: Yeah man, ’cause the way to get a girl into bed is to ask her for some ID first.
Guy #1: Good point… Well, how old did you say you were?
Guy #2: 21.
Guy #1: 21?!
Guy #2: Yeah, 21.
Guy #1: Right, of course. Because 39 is clearly the new 21!
Guy #2: Don’t judge me, man…

–52nd & Madison

Overheard by: So <i>not</i> 14!

Erika Would Have a Flashback to This Moment Years Later in a College Dorm Room

Little girl: Look at all the balls!
Dad: No! No! Don't touch them!

–79th & Lexington

Overheard by: chiggie

Here’s the PlayStation Cartridge If You Want a Turn

Drunk guy #1: I need to get laid.
Drunk guy #2: Yeah? Well, I did the most post-modern girl last night.

–roof party, East Village

Overheard by: Jackie

It's Wednesday One-Liners, Paleface!

Guy to friend: When Obama wins, I'm going to slap a white person.

–Central Park Bench

Overheard by: Lane

Lady getting sprayed with perfume by her friend: Stop. Stop it! You gonna make me smell like white people.

–East Drive, Prospect Park

Overheard by: White smelly jogger

Black gay man sans shirt, upon seeing group of white girls wandering: Oh my god, white girls! Oh, I didn't mean it like that.

–Christopher St

Gentleman walking past Miss Mamie's Spoonbread Too restaurant: Man, black people eating tofu, white people eating spoonbread…

–W 110th & Columbus

Gingy, referring to ebony colored condoms: This way, when I fuck a white boy he'll still be black!

–E Broadway 99 Cent Store

Black lady in african garb: Too many white flower! Need more black power! (the only white girl around looks up confusedly, now black lady screams in her face) White flower!

–125th & Adam Clayton Powell

Overheard by: Ruby

Has “Fruit” Been Reclaimed Yet?

Dad: So what did you learn in school today?
Son: Ummm…a tomato is a fruit.
Dad: What? A tomato is a fruit?
Son: Yeah, cause it has seeds.
Dad: You’re telling me a tomato is a fruit? Is a pumpkin a fruit?
Son: Yeah, they have seeds.
Dad: What about a cucumber, is that a fruit?
Son: No.
Dad: What about a squash? A zucchini? You know what I think? I think you’re the fruit!
Son: No, I don’t have seeds.
Dad: …I’m not going there.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Rehey

Wednesday-One-Liners Gotta Fight for Their Right

Frat boy on cell: Call me when you get done with your fondue party. I don’t care if it wasn’t your idea. That doesn’t make it right!

–12th St & 5th Ave

Geeky Columbia freshman: Yeah, we held a Sexyback Party… You know, it was themed like Justin Timberlake. It was a pretty cool concept.

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: pumpkin

College chick: Any party that you have to lube up your hand to get into just isn’t worth it.

–Christopher St

Bimbette: Because, really, what good is throwing a porn party if you can’t get drunk enough to disregard your butt?

–Harlem

Overheard by: Argopelter

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