Suit to suit friend: That's so nice of her, to pick you up at one in the morning. You just asked her to come get you?
Suit friend: Yeah, I called her and I was like “hey, babe can you come get me? I got out of work late. Just wake the baby and bring him in the car.” Twenty minutes later she was there. With divorce papers she had been working on.
Suit: Well, at least she picked you up, bro.
Suit friend: Very true.
–12th & 5th
Overheard by: Sarah
20-something woman: Is she a bialy in real life?
–Tomo sushi, 110th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred
Very large black woman on cell phone, bellowing: I don’t do no motherfucking corn bread! Why the fuck you always want corn bread, motherfucker?
–St. Luke’s-Roosevelt Hospital, 114th & Amsterdam
Punk girl to another: I wish I was a muffin. But I’m not. I’m a human.
–B Train
Overheard by: id rather be a cupcake
Black Whole Foods employee to black whole Foods customer: You have to be raised on it, you hear me? I was raised on c-town, key foods. I ain’t gonna pay no 4 dollars for no eggs.
–Union Square Whole Foods
Clueless suit on cell: I’m just really bad at knowing if stuff is perishable or not. I just don’t know. Ok, so ice cream -that’s perishable, right? Butter -non-perishable. Caviar isn’t perishable either… Wait, what? Oh, butter is perishable? Wait, how do you know? Does perishable mean it has to be kept in the fridge? Ok, so does caviar have to be kept in the fridge?
–E 60th St
Angry 20-something on cell phone: Why? Why? Because I can’t eat spaghetti-o’s anymore!
–E 13th St & 1st Ave
Suit to another: He was just lucky not to be fucking someone in his family!
–Trump Building
Overheard by: Guess I'm lucky too
Gamer on headset: Dude, you are not listening to me. You can't hear me. You know why? Because you have no ears. You're the product of two retarded cousins fucking each other.
–Queens
Girl: He looks like my uncle… the one I'm really attracted to.
–Governors Island ferry
Overheard by: boring
Male passerby: I wouldn't fuck my family, but…
–4th Ave & 11th St
Overheard by: Jessica
British professor wearing bow tie: It's fascinating just how exciting incest is!
–Silver Center, NYU
Suit: They should just go ahead and make January a month already. Officially, I mean.
–49th & 5th
Overheard by: Jeremy Tortora
Suit on cell: I think the picture for the cover of the annual report should be me and you bent over a table, and John Smith* standing behind us, gloating.
–68th & Broadway
Suit on cell: He’s not hallucinating. He’s just realized that he’s allergic to polyester.
–125th St Metro North platform
Overheard by: Thatsoundsaboutright
Suit on cell: Yeah, he accidentally put his thumb through a two hundred million dollar…
–W 12th & Greenwich Ave
Overheard by: Wang
Suit on cell: No, listen to me! You cannot call that ‘fluff.’ You call that ‘fluff,’ both you and me will go to jail.
–Port Authority
Overheard by: Erin
Tall, lanky white suit: And he was all, ‘Jibba-jabba, jibba-jabba, jibba-jabba…’ Ya know?
–Starbucks, Beaver St
Overheard by: Sarah Booz
Suit in rain, splashed by crazy, honking cabbie: Whoa! Fucking lunatic! … Well, at least now you can’t tell I just fucking pissed myself! Asshole!
–67th & Columbus
Overheard by: morgan
Suit #1: …That’s, like, five feet of water. Do you know how much water damage that’s gonna cause?
Suit #2: Yeah! And Louisiana’s not even on the coast down there, is it?
Suit #1: …I think they’re on a big lake.
–60th & Park
Overheard by: Brian Lindecker
Newsguy: Read all about it…26 feet of water and still rising…totally flooded…get the news right here…Brooklyn completely underwater…thousands of people drowned…read all about it…
–34th & 7th
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Moneybags: I’m thinking about selling one of my sailboats. It got a leak in the dining room, so I figure why not?
–Dock’s Oyster Bar, 40th & 3rd
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
Suit on cell: …yeah, I passed out with one shoe, but when I woke up they were both gone!
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: ianr
Chick on cell: Why did you tell dad about that?…Well, he was going to find out sooner or later when he saw me on the website.
–Union Square
Female midget: Yeah, they’re installing the internet in my new apartment and apparently they need a computer.
–Elevator, ABC building, 66th St
Overheard by: Mojosaves
World traveler: Really, you can get anything on the streets of Bangkok. Thai prostitutes, smoothies, passport pictures…It’s like Craigslist.
–20th & 8th
Overheard by: laughing out loud
Catholic school girl on cell: Danny, it’s me. I have some bad news. We’re on a break. Call me back when you get this message….[Hangs up and redials] Maria! What am I going to do about my MySpace?!
–4th Ave
Overheard by: Joe
Blonde on cell: Seriously, I love you, but…Seriously…Seriously, you’re an asshole. You’re a dick! Why didn’t you just tell me the fucking truth!…Well, I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry I posted those pictures on MySpace, but…Well, be a fucking man about it and tell me the fucking truth then!…Seriously, I love you.
–23rd & 8th
Overheard by: wild dog boy
Loud guy on cell: So how do I get this done? Do I go on the internet or something?… I want to be able to print my own bounty hunter license immediately.
–11th & 6th
Suit: When I was working for my old company, all we would do is download porn.
–Grand & Varick
Girl: He has a really amazing skull.
–Bakery, Cortelyou Road
Guy to friend: Why is that girls can get away with picking their noses?
–170th St & Broadway
Loud girl on cell in line at deli: You know I have bladder issues whenever I have sex!
–Broadway & Ooper
Lady suit, screaming into cell: Colon cleanse! Colon cleanse! Colon cleanse! I need a goddamn colon cleanse!
–Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Colin
Mom: Indiana isn’t a state; I’m not sure it will be on there…Oh.
–JFK
Overheard by: Pierre-François Dubois
Airport security: Sir, we’ve been informed that you are carrying a firearm aboard this plane.
Suit: WHAT?!
Flight attendant: I overheard him say he was going to disassemble his firearm!
Suit: FLY ROD! Disassemble my FLY ROD!
Flight attendant: Oh. Whoops.
–Jet Blue plane, JFK
