Union Square and East Village

Ultralubricated Wednesday One-Liners with a Reservoir Tip

Curly-haired chick: Your condom consumption should not intimidate people.

–Morningside Heights

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Woman: He bought a car? With seven grand you buy condoms… or a house. But a car?

–6 train

Overheard by: Sabrina

Girl on cell: So I’m just at the pharmacy picking up a prescription… [Lowers voice] You know, my pills… What? My pills! You know, those pills I take so that I don’t get pregnant when your dumb ass busts inside me!

–Duane Reade, 34th & Park

Overheard by: Laughing my dumb ass off

Perky girl to friend: Yeah, and then he said, ‘What the heck?’ and flung the condom across the room.

–Astor Pl

20-ish chick: The ribs do nothing for me, but I buy ‘Her pleasure’ condoms for political reasons.

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred

Young girl, panicky: Do you know where I can find the morning-after pill?!

–CVS

50 States plus Wednesday One-liners

Mom: Indiana isn’t a state; I’m not sure it will be on there…Oh.

–JFK

Overheard by: Pierre-François Dubois

No, You’re Thinking of Iraq

Guy #1: So where can I kill someone and not get in trouble?
Guy #2: I don’t know.
Guy #1: What about the ocean?

–Webster Hall, E 11th St

Wednesday One-Linerbation

Big old lady yelling at MTA employee: Of course they're not coming! They're too busy fucking! Masturbating! Eating donuts!

–53rd & Lexington Subway Station

Girl to friend: Oh my god, he does things to me that make masturbation seem like bland oatmeal!

–14th & 3rd

Overheard by: TheOneThatGotAway

Teen to friend: Seriously, if I was a guy for a day, all I'd do is piss standing up and masturbate.

–Queens Center Food Court

Guy on cell: Dude, if I didn't jerk off a couple times a day I'm pretty sure I'd be a serial rapist.

–Penn Station

Short nerdy businessman to another: I didn't know I was going out with her when I beat off.

–15th St & 9th St

Overheard by: Spicoli

Blond scruffy short man on headset: Do you really think girls would go for that? You think a girl would, for a chance to win $500, watch me masturbate?

–R Train

The Good News Is, Odds Are High at Least One Of Them Will Be Hit by a Lightning Bolt.

20-something-girl to brother: I'm always tellin' you, it won't time-travel if you hit 88 mph! Slow down when you're driving!
Brother: Screw that! 1.21 gigawatts, Marty, let's go back to the future!

–11 St & 1st Ave

Y Kant Tori Fans Read

Girl #1: That’s weird, they don’t have any Tori Amos here.
Girl #2: Have you checked under “A”?
Girl #1: Why would it be under “A”?

–Virgin, Union Square

Don’t Ask Her About the Pigeons

Lesbian #1: I love you.
Lesbian #2: Do you love me even when we’re like Bert and Ernie?
Lesbian #1: Of course! Wait, who’s Bert?
Lesbian #2: Me. I’ve been so uptight.
Lesbian #1: Great. So you’re the tall, thin, uptight one and I’m the short, fat, stupid one.

–Union Square

And Then Make Ms. Palin Pay for the Rape Kit

Shrill girl: Gawd! I wish someone would just rape her.
Gay guy: Yeah. Twice.

–14th & 1st Ave

Overheard by: Nbaker

You Have Your Fantasy, I’ll Have Mine

Chick #1: You know, we’re just like robots.
Chick #2: Yeah!
Chick #1: People tell us what to do, and we have to do it.
Chick #2: We’re just like models!
Chick #1: Really?! … We’re so not models.

–Union Square

Wednesday O-o-o-oooo-One-Liners

Skinny Spanish girl: That nigga was saying how he had me moaning and screaming, but I was like, "nigga, I'm just loud–that doesn't mean you're good!"

–Ft. Hamilton Parkway, Brooklyn

Overheard by: also loud

Ghetto chick to friend: Yo…in my country, it's illegal to not please your woman. You gotta fuck her till she begs you to stop.

–116th & 1st

Overheard by: DonnaRae

Man on phone: Yeah…I just fingerblasted her for like an hour. No big deal.

–E 4th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: intern2

Mom to teenage son: And I was like "sure, have sex in my bed, it never sees any."

–Mercer & W 3rd

Girl on cell: Oh no, he's back fucking his secretary now, so I'm like, completely free!

–East Village

20-something on cell, after loud graphic sex tale: And don't you be telling anyone! I don't like strangers knowing my business.

–Express Bus to Brooklyn

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