UES girl, after passing dog walker: Mommy, that man has a lot of dogs!
UES mom: Yes, he does, because he walks them for other people.
UES girl: Why?
UES mom: Because people who live here are too lazy and rich to do it themselves, honey.
UES girl: Oh… Mommy, can I be lazy and rich someday?
UES mom: Of course, honey.
–E 70th & Park
Queer arguing with boyfriend: I’m just saying, I think it’s weird you shaved your balls and bought porn the one night that I was out of town.
–Outside Bergdorf’s, 5th Ave
Creepster on cell: Yeah, I wanted to tell you that I have that girl ready… The one for the video… You can’t hear me? I’m on a bus, not an airplane! It’s not like I have a cigar in my mouth or anything, and you’re telling me you can’t understand what I’m saying… Yes, I have her ready for the video… The girl! … About twenty minutes… Do you have Viagra in your house? Well go get some! You need Viagra so you can be hard for our movie!
–M4 bus
Overheard by: Hoping the 3rd grader next to me wasn’t paying attention
Queer on cell: I saw the most fucked-up porno the other day. This guy took his boot off, then smacked this other guy in the face with it, then came all over the table, and then made the other guy lick it up… Oddly enough, I was turned on by it. So, if you ever want to smack me with your boot, give me a call.
–23rd St & 8th Ave
Man sprinting up subway stairs: Hey, man, where peep shows at?
–33rd St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Brian
20-something chick: He says we’ll all be sleeping in a farm house with a pornographer at her wedding.
–Dallas BBQ, Upper East Side
Overheard by: Nipples
Girl #1: He doesn't even love you.
Girl #2: Yeah, but I'm the only one who can get him to cheat on his wife!
–Webster Hall
Chick: So “scatological”; that’s like, what? Like from “scattered”?
Guy: No, you know, it’s like in “scat porn”.
–China Fun, 64th & 2nd
Elderly janitor, watching pierced teenagers get in line: I'm gonna fart on one of these people.
–Broadway & Houston
Angry man on cell: They think they're so perfect, but I bet they piss and burp and fart like the rest of us.
–80th St & 34th Ave
Hobo: Can you spare some change? I need to buy some new underwear, I farted and shat in these.
–83rd St & Broadway
Overheard by: new girl in town
Tiny brunette: Have you ever had to pee so bad, and suddenly you fart and then you don't have to pee that badly anymore?
–7 Train
Young woman to friend: Yeah, and then she started fartin' a bunch. But she was farting out of her pussy. And Ashley got pissed, cause then, she started makin' a beat out of it.
–125th St & Lexington
Overheard by: Stephen
Woman with nasal voice: I just really need to get out of here, I'd prefer to go someplace warm and interesting. But I don't know where it's warm and interesting.
Yuppie man: My boss–well, I guess I should say “my partner,” cause I made partner…but it sounds so (sexual voice) homosexual to say “my partner randy”…anyway, he just came back from Argentina and he loved it.
Woman with nasal voice: Oh! I just went to Argentina, actually. And then to Uruguay. We went to this little town, it was pretty much the Hamptons of South America.
–Barnes & Nobles, E 86th St
Hobo to another: Now the average American might not know about the economy and the depression. But they know about Budwieser. If they go to the bodega and there's no Budweiser, they know there's a problem.
–53rd Street E Station
Overheard by: SJG
Bald 30-something man: I believe in whiskey and little else.
–Lorimer & Union
Girl walking down the street: You took methamphetamines, I'm getting a Diet Coke!
–2nd Ave & 11th St
Overheard by: dazed and confused
Elated girl: This beer is really helping my canker sore.
–93rd & 2nd
Overheard by: brian w
Guy at bar: If the New York Public Library served Scotch, I would go there.
–Karl's Klipper, St George, Staten Island
Overheard by: Johnny Drongo
Train conductor: Next stop, Moshulo Parkway…and can someone get me a fucking soda! I'm in car 3! I need a damn soda!
–4 Train
Overheard by: B-Dizzle Yo
Brunette #1 to friend: I have like no idea what's going on in the world right now. I should start watching the news.
Brunette #2: Well, I heard that Italy is becoming less popular. You know, like on the Richter scale.
–78th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Teresa
Scaffolding: [loud boom]Girl: Holy shit.
Construction worker #1: Hey, it’s OK, don’t worry.
Construction worker #2: Yeah, we have insurance!
–81st & 2nd
Overheard by: another girl about to walk under the death tr
Nine-year-old boy: Sometimes I just think I am a robot. I mean, aren't I a robot?
–E 17th & Broadway
Overheard by: definitely human
Tall guy: Yeah, you have to learn not to trust those shifty-eyed robots.
–Union Square
Hipster: And, like, he wasn't even gay… he was just not human.
–88th & Park
Comic book guy: No, not Optimus Prime. But yes, I have had sexual thoughts… about robots.
–40th & 7th
Cute chick: You don't need a sex robot to have sex with a robot.
–Old Town Bar
Overheard by: Lieut. Liplock
