Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners for Comic Book Guy

Hipster girl: I want a cape. Capes are so in right now.

–L train

Overheard by: me

Girl on phone: So, today I was on my way to class and I saw a transvestite dressed as Wonder Woman. No, I don’t think he was going to class.

–NYU residence hall, Lafayette St

Metro newspaper man: I’m not Superman, I’m not Spiderman, I’m not Batman. I’m the Metro Man. Get your paper.

–34th St & Broadway

Overheard by: confabulation nation

Guy: I was like, "That’s you! My arch drinking nemesis."

–LIRR, Jamaica

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Girl: He’s like sexual kryptonite!

–2nd St & Ave A

Overheard by: Wondering who she was talking about

Wednesday One-Liners, Just As God Made Them

Gray Line tour guide: … And then I looked up into one of these fabulous brownstone buildings and there was a naked woman. She did a dance for the entire bus. Completely naked. Eye contact and everything. That’s why I never look into windows anymore…

–The Village

Girl to friend: As long as they don’t know that you’re naked, it’s okay.

–68th St

Crazy guy: One… Two… Three… Naked!

–A train

Overheard by: quietly laughing to herself

Man to another: In my neighborhood, once you walk past Avenue A, none of the men are wearing shirts.

–47th & 10th

Overheard by: MuffinPuffin

Man to landlord, in Polish: There is this naked woman and naked man constantly running around the basement at night. We just can’t let this guy keep doing this.

–Nassau Ave

Overheard by: Izabela

Excited chick on cell: I just took my shirt off! In a room full of people talking their shirts off!

–Harlem

Overheard by: Ladle

Wednesday One-Liners Are Self-Employed in the Service Sector

Six-year-old boy to mom: I spy a hooker!

–Q train, near 7th Ave

Overheard by: Melanie

Suit on cell: For an extra 25 I’ll caress his nuts. For an extra 50 he can fuck me in the ass.

–DeKalb & Knickerbocker Ave

Overheard by: jim E.

Ghetto chick on cell: I ain’t never did it for free, but I guess I could… So I’ll just do you and him in the same day… All I’m sayin’, though — there better be food… That’s all I’m sayin’.

–4 train

Overheard by: Kris

Scholar on cell: Every public bathroom in New York is a site of male prostitution.

–Hayden Residence Hall, Washington Square

Little girl: Mommy, I don’t wanna be a concubine!

–49th St

Overheard by: caera

Man to cop friend: I mean, I knew she wasn’t a cop… but I didn’t think she was a hooker! Come on!

–Diamond District, 47th St, between 5th & 6th

Overheard by: machi

There's No Wednesday One-Liners Like Show Wednesday One-Liners

Hipster Pee-wee Herman lookalike to friend: Oh, and when I give her anilingus to let me direct a show? You're totally gonna be in it!

–Q Train

Overheard by: Flea

Man: I believe some of this will be made up.

–Going into Wicked, Broadway

Overheard by: CAM

Black highschool girl: Oh my god, why do they keep singing?

—In the Heights, Broadway Musical

Overheard by: Cookie

Woman in Jersey accent: Is this the one about the boy who wants to be a horse or the girl who wants to be a fish?

–At Equus, Broadhurst Theatre

Overheard by: HarlemRy

Daniel Radcliffe fan girl: I have to be in this show some day. Even if I'm eighty, I gotta be in this show with him. I'd be like, "put it in me! Put it in me!"

–At Equus, Broadhurst Theatre

Overheard by: Nikki

Man leaving Hair: Well, that beats the hell outta Shakespeare!

–Outside Delacorte Theater, Central Park

Hella Good Wednesday One-Liners

Twitchy dude to no one in particular: What? You selling something? What you selling? You all are devils! Devil worshipers! Bunch of devil worshipers! Devils, devils, devils! See you in hell! Oh…I won't be there, though.

–C Train

Hipster girl on cell: No, the black marks are from me cheating on you with Satan. (pause) Yeah, now I'm pregnant and he won't marry me.

–23rd & 5th

Overheard by: Louisa

Young guy on cell, about video game: I gave them my soul. I gave them my soul! See, my soul legally belongs to you, so you tricked them. (pause) Give him his soul! Give him his soul! What? What? Too late!

–93rd St, Bay Ridge

Screaming man with ashes on forehead to man walking past on Ash Wednesday: You're going to hell you motherfucker!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: BK

Woman on cell: Satan don't wear no panties, negro. That shit flies free.

–Astoria, Queens

Overheard by: Celia

Wednesday One-Liners Will Hold Them Open with a Baby, If Need Be

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we’re being delayed, but we will be moving shortly. We’re having a door problem — someone at the front of the train is holding them open.

–3 train, Franklin Ave

Conductor: Get the hell out of the doors… Now! Not when you feel like it! Damn locals.

–2 train

Overheard by: mo love

Conductor: I know you are not holding the doors on my train! I’ll kick your ass!

–1 train

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is a One train directly behind this train. Please stand clear of the closing doors [repeats this three times]. Alright, if people don’t stop holding the doors we gonna put this train out of service and then everyone be on the platform! Is that what you want?!

–2 train

Over the PA: Do not hold the doors. Holding the doors causes delayed service. Delayed service causes late service.

–Shuttle Platform, Grand Central

Conductor: If you do not step away from the doors the train will keep sitting here, you will not get where you are going, and I will still get paid.

–S train

Wednesday One-Liners and the Utterly Unsatisfying Conclusion

Guy, in chinese: Do you think I'm Harry Potter?

–Vivi Bubble Tea Bar

Girl on cell outside art bar: And I was like "Dumbledore, try some jeans."

–8th Ave & Horatio St

Overheard by: Jean Ann

Cute girl graduating to friend: I hate gowns… How does Harry Potter stand it?

–Columbia University Business School Graduation

Overheard by: Jen

Guy, after watching new Harry Potter movie: Man… that's it? That was a lap dance!

–42nd Street Movie Theater

Crazy woman wrapped in shawls: I'd kidnap and fuck Harry Potter for an eight ball of coke. (to onlooker) Why aren't you at work?

–Brooklyn Theater

Overheard by: JesseJack (I've got a Job)

Projectile Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor: Barf between the cars, asshole!

–PATH train

Girl on phone: Well… We can cuddle, and then I’ll be like, ‘Get off!’ and then I’ll puke, okay?

–JJ’s Place, Columbia University

Overheard by: Rachel Lindsay

Girlfriend pushing drunken boyfriend through crowd, to bystander: Work with me here, baby — he’s throwing up all over you, and you’re still not moving.

–Rained-out Game Two, Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: Alison Steedman & Jeff Gilbert

Woman: There’s no better time to scream your boyfriend’s name than when you’re puking all over his bed.

–Party, 16th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: McFreaky

Little girl: 50 dollars. But if you vomit, it’s free!

–76th & Central Park West

Overheard by: Rachel

Lady with accent pointing at man hunched over seat: Oh, is he throw up?

–4 train

Overheard by: fellow rider who also didn’t sit

Little boy to baby brother: Stop throwing up on me!

–3rd Ave & 16th St

Overheard by: Rachel W.

Wednesday One-Liners Use American Psycho As Porn

Suit: Did they tip their 45s to their homies?

–Park Avenue

Overheard by: SuperVixen

Suit on phone: 500 milligrams? That's nothing. First, you need to start looking at the definition of possession…

–Broadway & Reade

Suit to little son: I need to teach you the difference between "homos" and "hobos." You'll understand easily, (giggles) …not much of a difference.

–Doctor's Office, Carrol Gardens

Suit on phone, snickering: Your posts are turd sandwiches!

–4th Ave & 13th St

Overheard by: ris

Suit on cell: I say go for it. You're rich, she's hungry. What could be more perfect?

–47th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Adrienne

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor: We will soon arrive in Penn Station, the happiest place on Earth. Penn Station is next.

–LIRR

Overheard by: MineolaBoy

Boyfriend to girlfriend: Let’s go be happy in front of miserable people!

–49th & 8th

Overheard by: Ashley

Hot chick on cell to girlfriend: I am really happy that she is now dating Greg… I am over him… But I am cuter than her!

–X28 Express Bus to Bensonhurst, Brooklyn

Overheard by: PDG

Middle-aged woman: Listen, I don’t need no husband. You see how happy I am? It’s because I have two cats and a vegetable crisper. I don’t need no freakin’ husband!

–Hair salon, East Village

Overheard by: edensnake

Security guard frowning at metal detector: This is my happy face.

–Empire State Building

Overheard by: rage gage

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