Sometimes, Wednesday One-Liners Are Tough to Swallow

Girl on cell: Five hours later, I was still pulling cum out of my hair!

–13th St

Overheard by: questioning the physics

Drunk girl to drunk guy: I would love to be 5'8", I mean…it's like not tall…but like not short. (four minutes later, screaming) Yeah…like…too much thought is like…bad for you! (later) They should've jerked you off in your sock!

–84th & Amsterdam Ave

One of four middle aged men on a bench: Well, the key is to never swallow the cum, spit the cum out.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Dan

High voiced hobo to teenager: I want you to cum on my face.

–72nd St & Broadway

20-something girl on cell: Oh, you can't carry the microscope with you? Well, if you come here we'll have to forgo the sperm. If I come to visit you, then we can work it into the schedule.

–Ess-A-Bagel

Overheard by: Emma

NYU dude: How do you get cock-blocked while you're jizzing?!

–St. Mark's Place & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: IWasWonderingThatToo

Student, slamming reproductive biology book shut: Sperm! It's everywhere!

–Bobst Library

Overheard by: ttny

Posted on January 18, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Books & Writing, Central Park, Cum, Drunks, Frat Boys, Girls, Guys, Hair, Height, Hobos, Library, Men, On Cell, One-liners, Penis, Physical appearance, Questions, Science, Sensory Experiences, Street, Students, Teens, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Poor Sally

Girl #1: Yeah, her mom looks weird.
Girl #2: Yeah, she looks like a troll driving.
Girl #1: Well, she looks like a troll all the time.
Girl #2: Sure, but what's more awkward…a troll or a troll driving?

–86th St & Ridge Blvd

Posted on January 18, 2015
Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Girls, Parents, Physical appearance, Questions, Weirdness

Candice Is the Store's Dirty-Old-Man Monitor

Random old dude #1: You shoulda seen how this girl was lookin at me.
Random old dude #2: Oh, yeah?
Random old dude #1: Yeah… I swear, she was standing in the literature section. Hell, the only thing she knows about Dickens is the first four letters of his last name, as in “She needs some dick!”
Enthusiastic shop girl: Hi, are you doing okay here?
Random old dude #1, embarrassed: Uhhh…sorry.

–St. Mark's Bookstore, Stuyvesant St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: manishm

Posted on January 18, 2015
Apologies, Books & Writing, Girls, Guys, Names, Old People, Penis, Store, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Are Coming to Dinner

Guy on cell: I eat ass like a champion.

–Havemeyer & S 1st St, Williamsburg

Overheard by: EA

Scary old guy to pretty woman: Oooh, girl, you look so fine. Tell your husband I want to bite your kneecaps off.

–West Village

Lady on cell: Yeah, I’m really hungry, too. I could really eat some nice wallpaper right about now.

–83rd & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Debbie

Woman: I’d rather eat homeless person’s cum than ever eat plain yogurt again.

–Clinton & Stanton

Creepy guy: Let me put it this way: I might not be compelled to eat a puppy, but I just might eat a baby. There’s just something unattractive about them.

–Bus to Penn Station

Mother to screaming child: If you don’t stop crying I am going to eat you!

–100th & Broadway

Overheard by: briana

Bouncer to girl showing ID: You’re so beautiful. I wanna put you on a pedestal… and eat your ass.

–West Village

Overheard by: RBNY

Posted on January 17, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Babies, Beauty, Body Parts, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Cum, Food, Homeless, Man's Best Friend, Offers and requests, Rimming, Threats, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

I Don't Know How They Can Walk Around With Those Things

Gay #1: Women love to say that word.
Gay #2: They totally do.
Gay #1: Va-jay-jay.

–Ave B & 10th St

Overheard by: Courtney

Posted on January 16, 2015
Alphabet City, Gays and Lesbians, Gender issues, Queer guys, Vagina, Weirdness, Words

…To Fuck the Statuary!

Crazy old hobo, holding up bags and drawing: Where's the moon? Where's the moon? If the earth is in Columbus Circle, then the moon would be on 64th and Central Park West! Come see my exhibition!
Hipster teen surrounded by giggling friends: Is your exhibition inside those bags?
Crazy old hobo: No, those are Michelle Obama's dresses. You want to be smart with me? Why don't you be smart and become an exhibitionist?
Hipster teen surrounded by giggling friends: Do you know what “exhibitionist” means?
Crazy old hobo: Of course! It's someone who goes to museums every day!

–1 Train

Posted on January 12, 2015
About Celebrities, Clothing, Crazies, Friends, Global Geography, Hipsters, Hobos, Old People, On the Subway, Questions, Teens, Visual Art, Weirdness, Words

Man's Best Wednesday One-Liner

Slightly thugged-out guy, rapping to little white poodle: Li'l coco! You's a muthafuckin' beast, yo! Li'l coco! Yeah!

–Cobble Hill, Brooklyn

Overheard by: John Bender

Guy to dog: Lady, it's just me! There's only me!

–77th St, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: Jon A.

Big burly guy to tiny yorkie, as it sniffs tree and walks away: Well, thanks for that false alarm.

–43rd St & 10th Ave

Upper West Side lady to little pampered dog with sweater: It's okay, baby, you can talk.

–80th Ave & Columbus

Hipster dog walker, whispering to herd of dachsunds: Mushhhhh…

–Central Park

Posted on January 12, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Central Park, Guys, Hipsters, Insults, Language Barrier, Man's Best Friend, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, One-liners, Parks, Pee, Street, Thugs, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

“…So I Can Go Into Clown Porn!”

Guy #1: Yeah, I was at the national unicycling convention.
Guy #2: It's sad that you couldn't put your skills to use… You could be a stuntman, or a sex slave. But no! You said, “Daddy, I want a unicycle!”

–F Train

Posted on January 11, 2015
Compare/Contrast, Default, Guys, Insults, On the Subway, Sports, Weirdness

Please Stand Behind the White Line While the Wednesday One-Liner Is in Motion

Bus driver, just before departing for Boston: Peace, love, and if no one's said it to you today, I love you.

–34th & 8th

Overheard by: Nina

Bus driver: Hello? Can you hear me? Can you hear me? If so, you're too close to the front. Move to the back of the bus, back of the bus…I'll be here til 2 in the morning, I have plenty of time.

–M86 Bus

Overheard by: urbanadventurer

MTA bus driver to woman with a kid: Excuse me, you have to pay for your kid to ride this train. See the line where your hand is? If he is shorter than that line, then he doesn't have to pay. But he is taller, and he has to pay. (woman and kid walk off bus, now he addresses passengers) But on a lighter note, happy New Year.

–M86 Train

Overheard by: Melissa

Bus driver of crowded bus: This is Madison avenue. Get off! I mean…watch your step.

–Bus, 86th St

Overheard by: Michael

Bus driver: This is the last stop, Queens Center. If you are going shopping today, I hope you find everything you are looking for. Also, please be nice to the salespeople. It's not easy dealing with people day after day. I should know, I'm a bus driver.

–Q88 Bus

Overheard by: Jenn

Posted on January 10, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bus Drivers, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Directions, Height, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Love, Money & Class, On the Bus, One-liners, Parents, Passengers, Public Transportation, Questions, Shopping, Time, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

They Didn't Appreciate the Blackface, Though

White guy: Where do you live?
White girl: The Upper East Side. Where do you live?
White guy: I just moved to the city, I live in Harlem.
White girl: Oh, that must be scary.
White guy: Nah, it's not scary. I'm from Northwestern Florida so I mean I'm used to black people…plus, I play basketball.
White girl (nods in complete agreement): Oh, you're fine then.

–Bowery Bar

Posted on January 9, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Compare/Contrast, Default, Fears, Girls, Guys, NYC Geography, Questions, Race, The Village, Threats, U.S. Geography, Weirdness

Weirdness