Girl #1: Can I stay at your place tonight?
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: I met this guy and he's like stalking me. He almost choked me when we were fooling around.
Girl #2: Oh my god! Sure!
Girl #1: Yeah, he keeps calling me. He calls me Angelina Jolie.
Girl #2: You are not that hot.
Girl #1: I know.
–Bathroom, NYU
Conductor (for the fifth time): You must be in one of the first five cars to get out at South Ferry. You must be in one of the first five cars.
Black chick: We heard you the first ten damn times!
Crazy guy: You don't control the subway, Houston controls the subway!
Black chick: I don't know what you be sayin' but we speak English here in America.
Crazy guy: You don't control the subway, Houston controls the subway! …do you like Whitney Houston?
–Downtown 1 Train
Overheard by: Trey C.
Woman #1: You hear her dog died?
Woman #2: Who dog died?
Woman #1: Oprah's dog died.
(long pause)
Woman #2: So, anyway…
–Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn
White lady reading gossip magazine: Will you all be quiet? I wanna read about Madonna's age mystery!
Black hipster girl: Look at that bitch's hands! Case closed.
–2 Train
Overheard by: not from these parts
Dude #1: So when they told me Heath Ledger had died I asked if he broke his back!
Dude #2: Man–that was quick.
Dude #1: I didn't really say that. I just thought of it, but I'll use it tomorrow.
Dude #2: It'll be too late then.
Dude #1: It's never too late. There's always a second chance!
–Overlook Terracce & 186th St
Music theory professor, explaining classical idioms: The reason we use these techniques is because the great composers did–Mozart, Beethoven, Bach. They knew what they were doing. Bach knew that Mozart intuitively understood the music. When he reviewed Mozart's work, he was like, "that motherfucker!" (slight pause) Yeah, more or less.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Music Theorist
Girl to friends: Imagine this: Spice Girls concert, platform shoes, glitter all over my body…
–McCarren Park, Brooklyn
Overheard by: do I have to?
20-something Whitey McWhiteface to friends: So do you think Lil Wayne tried to become a hipster or, like, it just happened?
–Park Slope
Overheard by: Hopper
Guy to friend, while watching Radiohead: This is a great song to urinate to.
–Liberty State Park
Doctoral student on phone: I can't do my dissertation on the sex lives of great composers…I can't… No, it's just that the subject is too big… Ok, so 1950 to present.
–Manhattan School of Music
Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze
Conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors. And now for your entertainment… (taps on the microphone a pretty decent beat) I hope you all like my beats…I've been practicing!
–F Train
Overheard by: Groovin to the music
Hobo, interrupting a guy and a girl: Excuse me, could I bum a cigarette or get some spare change?
Young man: I'm low on cash and sorry, but I have a cigarette for you. (hands hobo a cigarette) Do you need a light?
Hobo: Nope. (walks away)
(young man and woman continue conversation, hobo comes back and interrupts again)
Hobo: Can I ask you a question?
Young man: Shoot!
Hobo: What does Matt Damon's dick look like in Audrey Hepburn's ass?
Young woman: Trick question.
(hobo gives them the finger, walks away)
–Central Park
Guy promoting comedy club: Hey ladies, you like comedy? Fuck Broadway, they're all run and acted by terrorists.
Girl passing by: Yeah? Well, if Jennifer Garner and Kevin Kline are terrorists I'll eat my own pants in Times Square!
–Broadway
Old Jewish woman at the start of Yom Kippur: I think god wants me to be in a theater rather than in temple.
–45th & 8th
Little boy to friend: It wasn't until last year that I realized that not everybody is Jews!
–Near Columbia
Overheard by: CSims
Gym receptionist discussing television series Mad Men: It's sexist against women…and Jews, too!
–10th & 7th
Overheard by: Zack
Elderly Jewish woman, in hushed voice, to elderly Jewish man: My rabbi is an atheist who lives in Israel! What can you say?
–Brooklyn College
Overheard by: Rabbi's Agnostic daughter
Goyish looking guy with toddler in stroller: Well, you know the Hebrews always like to celebrate the New Year–especially in a year that ends in '69, if you know what I mean.
–Mercer & Broome
Overheard by: Garuda
Woman on cell: We're on the bus run by Hassidic Jews, ya know, like Woody Allen… It's like the Jewish express!… Nah, I'm covering up the phone so no one hears me.
–Vamoose Bus, Penn Station
Girl playing extreme edition of Would You Rather:Okay: would you rather Joe with a 75% chance of a non-treatable STD or Luke with a 12% chance of pregnancy?
–R Train
Asian girl during Rent intermission: Oh wait, so they all have AIDS? Is that why they're all taking pills all the time? I didn't understand that. But you can't die from AIDS, right? I mean, if you like lived in a bubble forever, you would never die from it, right?
–Nederlander Theater
Man, emphatically: Look, you don't even have to worry about HIV, just take 200 milligrams of Vitamin C.
–89th & Broadway
Hipster girl: Me and my STDs are like Angelina Jolie's kids… Gotta get one from every country!
–Broome St
Overheard by: Kate
Hipster to friend: Thank god AIDS wasn't in Africa yet when I was there, I wouldn't have fucked anybody.
–Classroom, NYU
Young woman on cell: Yeah, I know. (pause) So you don't mind if I have herpes, right?
–71st Rd & Queens Blvd, Forest Hills, Queens
Overheard by: Tara
