Thug kid #1: What would you rather do, bite a cat’s head off or fuck Mrs. Kopf* in the ass?
Thug kid #2: What the fuck?
Thug kid #1: Pick one.
Thug kid #2: Fuck no!
Thug kid #1: If you don’t pick one they’re gonna let Mike Tyson fuck your mom in the ass.
Thug kid #2: Fuck you fag! You pick one!
Thug kid #1: Nah, I asked you first. I’ll pick after you pick
Thug kid #2: Cat.
–Jamaica Avenue, Queens
Overheard by: Nado
Fashionista gets off elevator, bumping into guys on her way out.
Balding Greek guy: You know what she needs? A good dick up the ass, that’s what she needs!
Black guy: That’s what all them bitches need.
–1407 Broadway
Overheard by: Big Larry
Queer #1: See that guy? I fucked him last night.
Queer #2: That stripper guy?
Queer #1: Yeah! Oh. No. Wait. That stripper is in my math class but they look a lot alike.
–The Hanger Bar, Christopher Street
Old woman drinking tea: It wasn’t butt sex — he just wanted the remote.
–440 Studios
Overheard by: Jaclyn
Guy on cell: Oh my god, you are so interesting. Someday our bodies will connect like God intended — in anal poundage.
–Soho
Overheard by: Shea
Woman on cell: So, wait — do we have to, like, hire someone to stand behind him and force it in?
–28th & 8th
Angry black lady to bartender: Excuse me! I asked for Sex on the Beach, and you gave me Butt-Fuck on the Pond!
–Gotham Bar & Grill
Hobo to cute chick: I like it in the tuckus!
–47th & 5th
Overheard by: Casey F.
Chick on cell: I’m just one of those people that needs to have lots of anal sex.
–Barnes and Noble, 17th St
Overheard by: didn’t need to know that
Queer to friend: And yeah, I have typhoid! So I guess I can’t sodomize anybody…
–8th & Broadway
Overheard by: dude, you have typhoid?
Queer: It was, like, 8:30 in the morning and my colon called and said it needed a filling.
–Christopher Street Pier
Overheard by: Fourth Axiom
Woman #1: My husband smells his socks when he takes them off. Every time. Is that weird?
Woman #2: At least he doesn’t demand anal sex and then go cry in the bathroom.
–PATH train
Overheard by: Just listening
Professor: So I told my grad students they could have an A if they earned it, or if they beat me in a 12-minute cage fight.
–Fordham Universityy
Israeli politics professor, after class: There's enough Tylenol out there to take care of your hangovers after Purim. So, all your sorry little asses better be in this class at three o'clock, Wednesday afternoon.
–Yeshiva University
English professor: Yeah, the end of the poem relates to the beginning. Every good poem has a return… just like a good walk.
–Hunter college
Professor: Of course there was marital harmony! As we all know, the family who cuts drugs together, stays together.
–Fordham Law School
Overheard by: EntertainedStudent
Professor: An example of synecdoche would be, "get your ass over here." You want all of them, not just their ass. But sometimes, you do just want their ass. And we all know how that goes. But that sort of thing doesn't happen in a classroom… usually.
–NYU
Overheard by: queenofscots
Blonde hoochie: You know, since that night, every time I wipe my tush I feel like my asshole got stretched.
Quiet brunette friend: … Sometimes I wonder how you became my friend.
–Starbucks, 51st & Broadway
Hot black girl: Where did summer go? Now we're all back to wearing glasses and snorting Adderall… or taking it with water.
–24th St & 3rd Ave
Guy to friend: If I just gave up speed I'd totally be getting more ass.
–Bleecker & LaGuardia
Overheard by: Jack
Guy to another: Yeah, so you take a gram of coke, then mix it with a ground-up Xanax, then mash up an E. Then you put it all into pill form, and down it with a Sparks!
–N Train
Architecture professor: Everything in moderation… except for heroin. Heroin, you go for the gusto.
–Pratt Institute
Overheard by: Denali
Emo: Do you do anal?
JAP fox: Uh, no, but it doesn't mean I wouldn't do it, just hasn't come up yet.
Emo to another girl: Do you do anal?
Another girl: Bitch! I can't even take a shit.
–Special Boutique, 2nd & Bedford
Overheard by: Este
