Juvenile Wednesday One-Liners

Second grader: Earth is the greatest planet in the whole world!

–125th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Yes, I’m his teacher.

Little boy to younger brother in elevator: Stop! It’s like the hospital, you can’t touch anything!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: student

Little girl: Big Brother is watching!

–Franklin St & Church St

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Little boy: Yo, digit, you don’t get any pussy, how you gonna say she ugly?

–Corsa Ave, the Bronx

Overheard by: Edward Carney

Little girl to other little girl wearing school uniform: You look like a woman. Go change!

–116th St & Park Ave

Overheard by: Ken Yapelli

Little girl: Excuse me, where is the drugstore? I mean, where are the drugs?

–Duane Reade, 7th Ave & Flatbush

Overheard by: Cupcake

Little boy: I can’t wait to get home so I can scratch my crotch!

–6th Ave & 17th St

Posted on November 8, 2006
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Arts & Letters, Beauty, Body Parts, Books & Writing, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Columbia University, Druggies, Drugs, Duane Reade, Elevators, Fashion, Favorites, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Kids, Manhattan, People, Places, Pop Culture, Private Parts, Sex & Relationships, Should've Used a Condom, The Bronx, Topics, Vagina, Venues, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

They Go in Through the Anus

Girl #1: Wow, you got your nose pierced!
Girl #2: Yeah, I got it yesterday
Girl #1: How did they do it? Gun or needle?
Girl #2: Gun.
Girl #1: Ah ok, how do they fit a gun up there?

–McDonalds

Overheard by: Ness

Posted on October 20, 2006
Bimbettes, Body Parts, Friends, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Stupidity

I Thought It Was Ba-Dunk-a-Dunkin’ Donuts

Thug in cuffs: Yo, da ba-dunk-a-dunk is constimatutionally protected!
Undercover cop: Yes, but this is child pornography.

–Houston & West

Overheard by: Nick Dempsey

Posted on October 8, 2006
Body Parts, Cops, Kids, The Village, Thugs

Good Samaritan Laws Have Yet to be Enacted in the Subway

Man, boarding downtown E: This is the downtown E?
Woman: Yes.
Man: You sure?
Woman: I’m positive.
Man: Aight, ’cause if those numbers start gettin’ bigger, yo head gonna get bigger, bitch.

–E train, 42nd St

Overheard by: Ivan

Posted on October 3, 2006
Body Parts, Crime and Punishment, Directions, Manhattan, Men, On the Subway, People, Places, Threats, Topics, Travel, Violence, Women

Cinderella’s Stepsister Has Second Thoughts About Cutting Off Her Toe Just to Fit into the Damn Shoe

Ghetto chick #1: I’m injured! I should go in the bus first.
Ghetto chick #2: You’re not injured.
Ghetto chick #1: Yes, I am, I bled, I bled on my new shoes!

–Metropolitan & Grand, Williamsburg

Overheard by: sardine in a can

Posted on September 25, 2006
Blood & bleeding, Body Parts, Ghetto Chicks, Public Transportation, Shoes, Williamsburg

The Baby Never Has Anything Intelligent to Say, So We Know You’re the Mother

Woman #1: I know he be my baby’s daddy.
Woman #2: Yeah? How?
Woman #1: They be lookin’ the same. He got no teeth and my baby ain’t got no teeth eitha’.

–6 train, Brooklyn Bridge

Overheard by: lauren

Posted on September 24, 2006
Babies, Body Parts, Compare/Contrast, Hootchies, Idiots, On the Subway, Parents, Stupidity, Women

For Occasional Irregularity, Take These Wednesday One-Liners

Girl: I can’t go to the bathroom, I can’t eat grapes, I… I’ll be in a bubble!

–Brooklyn bound F train

Hipster girl, emerging from Port-a-Potty: Hey, guys, you have to feel this toilet paper! It’s like silk!… I know, I’m a weirdo.

–Great Lawn, Central Park

Overheard by: Roz

Suit: I swear to God, it came out sideways. It hurt coming out, then I got up and looked at it, and it was floating sideways.

–Manhattan bound J train

Overheard by: Barry P.

Voice from bathroom stall: Yes!

–Women’s bathroom, Hunter College

Overheard by: acep

Girl, to friend washing her hands: Come on, let’s just go. There are more germs on the sink than on the toilet.

–Restroom, Grand Central Station

Woman, walking out of stall: Left you something!

–Restroom, Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: alan b hutscar

Guy: When I clenched my jaw really hard while I was trying to poop, I think I chipped a tooth.

–14th & 3rd

Posted on September 20, 2006
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Compare/Contrast, Fruit, Health and Hygiene, Medicine, Poop, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

But I Am Also Open to the Fingers of Others

Guy: Yeah, sometimes I like to suck on my fingers.
Girl: OK.

–Fanelli’s, Prince & Mercer

Posted on September 15, 2006
Bars & Clubs, Body Parts, Girls, Guys, Manhattan, People, Places, Restaurants & Cafes, Soho, Topics, Venues

Evidence the Word Self Is a Euphemism for Too Many Things These Days

Elderly clown-whore #1: I mean, how far can you spread yourself?
Elderly clown-whore #2: Oh, yes, you can’t spread yourself very far without your stomach starting to hurt.
Elderly clown-whore #1: Yes, you know how much my stomach hurt that time.

–Astor Garden, Metropolitan Museum of Art

Overheard by: KittyKat

Posted on September 15, 2006
Body Parts, Hootchies, Sex, The Met

Wednesday One-Liners Always Thought Slim Goodbody Was Hot

Woman: You better get that uvula home soon!

–Brooklyn bound F train

Overheard by: PoisonIvy

Cracked-Out queer, holding US Weekly: Mmmmmm, Ashlee lookin’ good! You know why? Whole lotta crack in her belly!

–1 train

Guy: So they took out my spleen and rummaged through my internal organs…

–1 train

Overheard by: sara n.

Woman on cell: I can’t believe it; your brain muscle must be telepathetic or something!

–18th & Park

Overheard by: edward

Vendor: What if they test it and find that it’s from his ear?!

–Wooster & Broome

Professor: My favorite magazine is one for undertakers. It’s called Caskets and Sunnyside. You can order ears. Right ears, left ears; there’s a market for them.

–Fordham

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Chick on cell: Wait, your uterus is what? What? Your uterus is what?! I’m on the street. I can’t hear–Oh, tilted! That’s totally fucked up. I’m sorry.

–23rd & 6th

Posted on September 13, 2006
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Celebrities, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Classroom, College, Druggies, Drugs, Fordham, Girls, Hard Drugs, Manhattan, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, People, Places, Pop Culture, Private Parts, Psychic, Queers, Soho, Street, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, Topics, Vagina, Vendors & Street Performers, Venues, Women

Body Parts