Man, boarding downtown E: This is the downtown E?
Woman: Yes.
Man: You sure?
Woman: I’m positive.
Man: Aight, ’cause if those numbers start gettin’ bigger, yo head gonna get bigger, bitch.
–E train, 42nd St
Overheard by: Ivan
Man, boarding downtown E: This is the downtown E?
Woman: Yes.
Man: You sure?
Woman: I’m positive.
Man: Aight, ’cause if those numbers start gettin’ bigger, yo head gonna get bigger, bitch.
–E train, 42nd St
Overheard by: Ivan
Ghetto chick #1: I’m injured! I should go in the bus first.
Ghetto chick #2: You’re not injured.
Ghetto chick #1: Yes, I am, I bled, I bled on my new shoes!
–Metropolitan & Grand, Williamsburg
Overheard by: sardine in a can
Woman #1: I know he be my baby’s daddy.
Woman #2: Yeah? How?
Woman #1: They be lookin’ the same. He got no teeth and my baby ain’t got no teeth eitha’.
–6 train, Brooklyn Bridge
Overheard by: lauren
Girl: I can’t go to the bathroom, I can’t eat grapes, I… I’ll be in a bubble!
–Brooklyn bound F train
Hipster girl, emerging from Port-a-Potty: Hey, guys, you have to feel this toilet paper! It’s like silk!… I know, I’m a weirdo.
–Great Lawn, Central Park
Overheard by: Roz
Suit: I swear to God, it came out sideways. It hurt coming out, then I got up and looked at it, and it was floating sideways.
–Manhattan bound J train
Overheard by: Barry P.
Voice from bathroom stall: Yes!
–Women’s bathroom, Hunter College
Overheard by: acep
Girl, to friend washing her hands: Come on, let’s just go. There are more germs on the sink than on the toilet.
–Restroom, Grand Central Station
Woman, walking out of stall: Left you something!
–Restroom, Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: alan b hutscar
Guy: When I clenched my jaw really hard while I was trying to poop, I think I chipped a tooth.
–14th & 3rd
Guy: Yeah, sometimes I like to suck on my fingers.
Girl: OK.
–Fanelli’s, Prince & Mercer
Elderly clown-whore #1: I mean, how far can you spread yourself?
Elderly clown-whore #2: Oh, yes, you can’t spread yourself very far without your stomach starting to hurt.
Elderly clown-whore #1: Yes, you know how much my stomach hurt that time.
–Astor Garden, Metropolitan Museum of Art
Overheard by: KittyKat
Woman: You better get that uvula home soon!
–Brooklyn bound F train
Overheard by: PoisonIvy
Cracked-Out queer, holding US Weekly: Mmmmmm, Ashlee lookin’ good! You know why? Whole lotta crack in her belly!
–1 train
Guy: So they took out my spleen and rummaged through my internal organs…
–1 train
Overheard by: sara n.
Woman on cell: I can’t believe it; your brain muscle must be telepathetic or something!
–18th & Park
Overheard by: edward
Vendor: What if they test it and find that it’s from his ear?!
–Wooster & Broome
Professor: My favorite magazine is one for undertakers. It’s called Caskets and Sunnyside. You can order ears. Right ears, left ears; there’s a market for them.
–Fordham
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Chick on cell: Wait, your uterus is what? What? Your uterus is what?! I’m on the street. I can’t hear–Oh, tilted! That’s totally fucked up. I’m sorry.
–23rd & 6th
Museum patron: Tell me the story again about what happened to my bottom?
–Cafeteria, the Met
Woman to misbehaving child: Jamillah Fatima! Do not make me have to make the love connection to your behind on the C train!
–Brooklyn bound C train
Overheard by: ryan
Girl: Man, it’s hotter that 50 butt cracks in here!
–American Apparel, N 6th St, Williamsburg
Idle dreamer: Man…I wish I had, like, 59 butts.
–Apple Store, 5th Ave
Overheard by: i still sell the iPods
Walking VD: I told her straight up I only like her for her ass!
–Kissena Blvd & 71st Ave, Queens
Teen boy: I’m gonna spread your booty cheeks.
–108th & Manhattan
Overheard by: N
Man: Shit, I’ll eat a pig’s ass if they fry it right.
–471 Lincoln Place, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Michael O’Connor
Guy #1: So I said, “Well, you all are, like, almost hot.”
Guy #2: Wait, why did you do that?
Guy #1: Oh, I wasn’t going to hook up with any of them. So then I said, “See, it’s like you all could be hot. Like she has a nice ass, you have a nice nose… I just wish I could put all of you together and create one big Frankenpussy.”
–Bleecker & Sullivan
Tween boy: Then Tom Cruise and Will Smith get married and have babies.
–74th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Rachel
3 year old: Ahhh, my mouth is on fire! My mouth is on fire! Help me, Tom Cruise!
–89th & Broadway
Overheard by: Alex
Man to girlfriend: Shit, I like that Martha Stewart. She a gangsta in disguise.
–Kmart, Astor Place
Guy: He is like the L. Ron Hubbard of Teach for America.
–Lenny’s, 77th & 2nd
Overheard by: Rebecca
Crazy guy: You fuckers don’t deserve to be here! John Lennon died for peace and tolerance! Get the fuck out of here, queers! John died for peace and humanity!
— 72nd & Central Park West
Overheard by: emily
Chick on cell: Yeah, he wouldn’t watch my kid last night because he was hanging out with Wilmer Valderrama.
–1st Ave between 12th & 13th
Hobo: Betty Boop killed Martin Luther King!
–1 train
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
