For Occasional Irregularity, Take These Wednesday One-Liners

Girl: I can’t go to the bathroom, I can’t eat grapes, I… I’ll be in a bubble!

–Brooklyn bound F train

Hipster girl, emerging from Port-a-Potty: Hey, guys, you have to feel this toilet paper! It’s like silk!… I know, I’m a weirdo.

–Great Lawn, Central Park

Overheard by: Roz

Suit: I swear to God, it came out sideways. It hurt coming out, then I got up and looked at it, and it was floating sideways.

–Manhattan bound J train

Overheard by: Barry P.

Voice from bathroom stall: Yes!

–Women’s bathroom, Hunter College

Overheard by: acep

Girl, to friend washing her hands: Come on, let’s just go. There are more germs on the sink than on the toilet.

–Restroom, Grand Central Station

Woman, walking out of stall: Left you something!

–Restroom, Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: alan b hutscar

Guy: When I clenched my jaw really hard while I was trying to poop, I think I chipped a tooth.

–14th & 3rd

Posted on September 20, 2006
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Compare/Contrast, Fruit, Health and Hygiene, Medicine, Poop, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

But I Am Also Open to the Fingers of Others

Guy: Yeah, sometimes I like to suck on my fingers.
Girl: OK.

–Fanelli’s, Prince & Mercer

Posted on September 15, 2006
Bars & Clubs, Body Parts, Girls, Guys, Manhattan, People, Places, Restaurants & Cafes, Soho, Topics, Venues

Evidence the Word Self Is a Euphemism for Too Many Things These Days

Elderly clown-whore #1: I mean, how far can you spread yourself?
Elderly clown-whore #2: Oh, yes, you can’t spread yourself very far without your stomach starting to hurt.
Elderly clown-whore #1: Yes, you know how much my stomach hurt that time.

–Astor Garden, Metropolitan Museum of Art

Overheard by: KittyKat

Posted on September 15, 2006
Body Parts, Hootchies, Sex, The Met

Wednesday One-Liners Always Thought Slim Goodbody Was Hot

Woman: You better get that uvula home soon!

–Brooklyn bound F train

Overheard by: PoisonIvy

Cracked-Out queer, holding US Weekly: Mmmmmm, Ashlee lookin’ good! You know why? Whole lotta crack in her belly!

–1 train

Guy: So they took out my spleen and rummaged through my internal organs…

–1 train

Overheard by: sara n.

Woman on cell: I can’t believe it; your brain muscle must be telepathetic or something!

–18th & Park

Overheard by: edward

Vendor: What if they test it and find that it’s from his ear?!

–Wooster & Broome

Professor: My favorite magazine is one for undertakers. It’s called Caskets and Sunnyside. You can order ears. Right ears, left ears; there’s a market for them.

–Fordham

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Chick on cell: Wait, your uterus is what? What? Your uterus is what?! I’m on the street. I can’t hear–Oh, tilted! That’s totally fucked up. I’m sorry.

–23rd & 6th

Posted on September 13, 2006
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Celebrities, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Classroom, College, Druggies, Drugs, Fordham, Girls, Hard Drugs, Manhattan, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, People, Places, Pop Culture, Private Parts, Psychic, Queers, Soho, Street, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, Topics, Vagina, Vendors & Street Performers, Venues, Women

Sir Mix-a-Lot Likes Wednesday One-Liners (And He Cannot Lie)

Museum patron: Tell me the story again about what happened to my bottom?

–Cafeteria, the Met

Woman to misbehaving child: Jamillah Fatima! Do not make me have to make the love connection to your behind on the C train!

–Brooklyn bound C train

Overheard by: ryan

Girl: Man, it’s hotter that 50 butt cracks in here!

–American Apparel, N 6th St, Williamsburg

Idle dreamer: Man…I wish I had, like, 59 butts.

–Apple Store, 5th Ave

Overheard by: i still sell the iPods

Walking VD: I told her straight up I only like her for her ass!

–Kissena Blvd & 71st Ave, Queens

Teen boy: I’m gonna spread your booty cheeks.

–108th & Manhattan

Overheard by: N

Man: Shit, I’ll eat a pig’s ass if they fry it right.

–471 Lincoln Place, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Michael O’Connor

Posted on September 13, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Food, Kids, Moms, More museums, Museums, One-liners, Private Parts, Queens, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Teens, Upper East Side, Violence, Williamsburg

Wallace Shawn Has VERY High Standards

Guy #1: So I said, “Well, you all are, like, almost hot.”
Guy #2: Wait, why did you do that?
Guy #1: Oh, I wasn’t going to hook up with any of them. So then I said, “See, it’s like you all could be hot. Like she has a nice ass, you have a nice nose… I just wish I could put all of you together and create one big Frankenpussy.”

–Bleecker & Sullivan

Posted on September 10, 2006
Assholes, Beauty, Body Parts, Hook Ups, The Village

Wednesday One-Liners Make the Cover of People

Tween boy: Then Tom Cruise and Will Smith get married and have babies.

–74th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Rachel

3 year old: Ahhh, my mouth is on fire! My mouth is on fire! Help me, Tom Cruise!

–89th & Broadway

Overheard by: Alex

Man to girlfriend: Shit, I like that Martha Stewart. She a gangsta in disguise.

–Kmart, Astor Place

Guy: He is like the L. Ron Hubbard of Teach for America.

–Lenny’s, 77th & 2nd

Overheard by: Rebecca

Crazy guy: You fuckers don’t deserve to be here! John Lennon died for peace and tolerance! Get the fuck out of here, queers! John died for peace and humanity!

— 72nd & Central Park West

Overheard by: emily

Chick on cell: Yeah, he wouldn’t watch my kid last night because he was hanging out with Wilmer Valderrama.

–1st Ave between 12th & 13th

Hobo: Betty Boop killed Martin Luther King!

–1 train

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Posted on September 6, 2006
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Babies, Body Parts, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Death, Gripes, Health and Hygiene, Kids, Marriage, Movies, Murder, Music, Offers and requests, Politics, Religion, Stupidity, TV, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary, Weirdness

Like the Buttons on Sofa Cushions Do

Kid: What’s that?
Grandma: That’s the belly button. It helps you breathe.

–Bodies exhibit, South Street Seaport

Posted on September 1, 2006
Body Parts, Kids, Old People, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

Wednesday One-Liners: Too Busy to Acquire Social Skills

Virgin-For-Life: Clark Kent and Kal-El are the same goddamn thing, Joey! We are not having this conversation again! Jesus Christ! I’m going home!

–Coney Island

20-Something Virgin-For-Life, noticing guy with Superman t-shirt: Look! That’s who I wanna be when I grow up! Clark Kent! Imagine just taking a suit off and becoming a superhero.

–Empire State Building

Overheard by: Guy With Superman t-shirt

Virgin-For-Life: The intestinal epithelium is my dream tissue.

–Albert Einstein College of Medicine, the Bronx

Overheard by: Joshua Drumm

Virgin-For-Life: He’s really sharp. He’s like the head of Voltron.

–23rd between 5th & 6th

Posted on August 30, 2006
Body Parts, College, Empire State Building, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Movies, Nerds, One-liners, People, Places, Pop Culture, The Bronx, Union Square and East Village

Body Parts