Craptacular Wednesday One-Liners

Man on cell: My identity has totally shifted, and so have my bowel movements.

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: Mickey Smith

Girl to another: I took a shit in Starbucks… did you take a shit in Starbucks?

–Outside Starbucks

Woman to friend: There were no feces for (pause) two days.

–Canal and W Broadway

Overheard by: LizzieD

Girl in toilet stall, repeatedly: Someone pooped on the floor! This is so gross! Medieval freaks! And it's shaped like a dragon! Come here and look at it!

–New York Renaissance Fair

British woman to man she's walking with, as they look at a pigeon: Of course he doesn't have to sit down to poo, he's a bird!

–Washington Square South

Enraged crazy old lady feeding pigeons, to punk kid chasing pigeons: Eat the caca! Eat the caca!

–48th & 8th

Overheard by: ShaghouseGirls

Posted on October 7, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Birds, Boys, Brits, Brooklyn, Cleanliness, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Food, Friends, Girls, Health and Hygiene, Medicine, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Parades & Festitivites, Parks, Poop, Punks, Questions, Starbucks, Street, Stupidity, Time, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Washington Square Park, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Was Saving 49 Cents Really Worth All That?

Cashier: Look, it's $1.99, okay? Then, I take $1.49, okay. So it's two for a dollar, okay.
Customer: I don't get it, it said it was two for a dollar and you are charging me $1.49.
Cashier: No, no, no, see, it's $1.99, okay. I take out $1.49 okay. See, watch. I scan it and it says $1.99. Then I take out 1.49, see.
Customer: No, I don't see, I don't get why you are charging me $1.49.
Cashier: Ugh… Mary*, come here. (speaks to Mary* in Spanish)
Mary*: When she scans it you don't see the real amount because she isn't finished the transaction yet.
Customer: Then why wasn't she showing me that?
Mary*: She did show you that.

–Pratt Institute Associated, Myrtle Ave

Overheard by: Is Subtraction Really That Hard?

Posted on October 1, 2009
Brooklyn, Cashiers, Coworkers, Customers, Money & Class, Questions, Shopping, Store, Stupidity

Wednesday One-Liners Will Cut a Bitch

Ghetto fabulous sister to another, walking out of bar: You gotta be a classy ho! Bitch!

–Fulton & Lafayette, Brooklyn

Woman on cell: No! He wants a fight and I'm going to fuck her up! I'm going to snap that bitch in half! (pause) I will snap that bitch in half! (pause) Okay, I love you too. (hangs up) Oh, she messed with the wrong bitch!

–27th St, between 6th and 7th

Overheard by: Hungry

Blonde yelling on cell: I was not being a bitch or picking a fight! I was saying "I love you, and these are my concerns"!

–27th St b/w Park Ave & Lexington

Overheard by: V

Girl to another: That's when I knew I was a bitch. My homegirl got kicked in the head by a ho… and I laughed!

–Coney Island Ave & Newkirk

30-something suit: I just need a bitch with an accent!

–34th St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: CourtSnort

Mom to son, after looking through his phone: Who is in your phone as b-i-t-c-h?

–M60 Bus

Overheard by: Jingles

Posted on September 30, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Boys, Brooklyn, Bus, Cell Phone, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Coney Island, Fighting and ass kicking, Ghetto Chicks, Girls, Insults, Kick, Laughter, Love, Moms, Money & Class, Nicknames & name calling, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Bus, Parents, Questions, Street, Suits, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women, Words

That's the Last Time I Let Nequa Babysit for You

Big black lady with yellow weave: Hey! Get off of my breasteses!
Toddler son: Why?

–Marine Park, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Katie

Posted on September 27, 2009
Black People, Brooklyn, Kids, Moms, Parents, Parks, Questions, Rack

Best Weed Ever

Hipster boy: I'm wearing shorts.
Hipster girl: I'm wearing pants.
Hipster boy: It's raining.
Hipster girl: Yeah.

–Washington & Lafayette

Posted on September 26, 2009
Boys, Brooklyn, Clothing, Girls, Hipsters, Weather

By Contemporary Standards?

Friend #1, at memorial: Dude, did you see those pictures of Mike's mom when she was in high school?
Friend #2: No, why?
Friend #1: Dude, she was fine!
Friend #2: Really?

–Funeral Home, Brooklyn

Posted on September 25, 2009
Age/Aging, Beauty, Brooklyn, Death, Friends, Parents, Pictures, Questions, Weirdness

Fuck One-Liners and the Wednesday They Rode in on

Angry woman, venting: Oh, but he doesn't know I scrapbook like a motherfucker.

–M&J Trimming

Girl, screaming: Fuck you, International Baccalaureate!

–Brooklyn

Really angry guy on cell: I'm talkin' about mothafuckin' cookies and apple juice!

–23rd & 6th

Overheard by: Q

Well-dressed black man, addressing entire train: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm here to talk to you today about… fucking. You see, everybody likes to fuck. My parents love to fuck. My ex-wife–she loved to fuck. President Obama, he enjoys fucking…

–Q Train

Overheard by: Hunter

Six-year-old girl to mother, ready for day at the beach: Shit, mom! It's fucking raining!

–Q Train

Suit on cell, cheerily: Okay, fuck you, bye!

–7th Ave & 50th St

Overheard by: dignell

Posted on September 23, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Drinks, Food, Girls, Guys, Insults, Kids, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Passengers, President, Sex, Store, Suits, Weather, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday Once-Upon-a-Time Liners

Little girl to mom: But mommy, what comes out of Tinkerbell's bladder?

–92nd St & Madison Ave

Overheard by: Gordon D

Conductor: And don't forget to wave goodbye to me when you get off. Hey, you! You didn't wave! Can you people believe it? He didn't wave after I asked him to. So please, remember to wave goodbye to the conductor because we drive these trains, and without us you'd be taking the bus in the daylight and you vampires will burn, burn I say, burn!

–3 Train

Overheard by: I waved

Tattooed man in leather vest, to friend: I'll tell you straight up: I am an angel designed to destroy demons. (weighty pause) I have no compassion… whatsoever… for demons!

–42nd St

Overheard by: Harper

Man to friend: The problem with New York is that there are just so many places for zombies to hide.

–57th St b/w 5th & 6th

Little girl: That's not a fairy! That's a boat!

–Waiting for Ellis Island Ferry

Overheard by: Laura

Teenage girl to friend: I'm not listening to you, I'm looking for the dragon!

–Prospect Park:

Man trying to quiet down crying toddler: Shhhhh, you sound like a Wookie!

–Brooklyn Zoo

Overheard by: Snoog

Posted on September 23, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Crying, Ferry, Friends, Girls, Kids, Magic, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Movies, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Parks, Passengers, Public Transportation, Questions, Stupidity, Teens, Upper East Side, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

But Your Right to Vomit Stops Where My Shoes Begin

Criminal law professor: But why shouldn't it be illegal to be intoxicated in public?
Student: No one should impede my right to have a good time.

–Brooklyn Law School

Posted on September 22, 2009
Brooklyn, College, Crime and Punishment, Drinking & Drunk People, Drugs, Questions, School and studying, Students, Teachers/Professors

What's So Deadly About Wednesday One-Liners?

Gluttony

Cashier lady: Damn, thank the Lord it's Friday! I'ma go to the heights and get me some margaritas and some quesadittas and get drunk and fat and happy. Damn!

–Duane Reade

Overheard by: Sam

Lust

Woman to male friend: Oh, that sucks! I'm such a whore…

–5th Ave & 12th St

Greed

Teenager on school field trip eating sushi and talking to chaperon: Daddy, can I borrow some money for the gift shop? My credit card is down to its last $200.

–Metropolitan Museum of Art Cafe

Sloth

Hipster, seeing that there was construction on the train: Ugh, what are we–going to have to walk places now?

–L Train

Wrath

Library staff: Group study room people, we know who you are. Because we have your IDs. Please come downstairs and pick them up so we don't have to unleash our wrath on you.

–Brooklyn College Library

Envy

Two woman walking tall dog: I mean… can you believe that I used to carry him in my Givenchy bag and wrap him in cashmere as a puppy? I would be jealous!

–Bleecker & Spring

Pride

Girl, grabbing her ass: Don't you just love my ass? My ass rocks. I love my ass!

–Battery Park

Posted on September 16, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Battery Park, Beauty, Brooklyn, Brooklyn College, Cashiers, Clothing, Compliments, Dads, Diet/Weight, Drinking & Drunk People, Duane Reade, Ethnic Food, Fashion, Friends, Gifts, Girls, Happiness, Hipsters, Insults, Library, Man's Best Friend, Money & Class, Names, Offers and requests, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Parks, Promiscuity, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Shopping, Soho, Street, Stupidity, Teens, The Met, Threats, Time, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Women