Wednesday One-Liners: Unfiltered.

Chick on cell, not visibly pregnant: I'm having a c-section and a cigarette.

–Simply Natural, 43rd & 10th

Overheard by: Pleased

Recurrent drunkard to bar: I'm not a smoker! I'm a libertarian, for fuck's sake!

–Peter McMannus Pub

LIRR conductor: There will be no pugilism on this train. Additionally, tonight marks the first night of Kwanzaa, and in the spirit of Kwanzaa, I ask you to not smoke on this train. This is the final warning: if you are smoking, you will be ejected at the next convenient stop. Also, no throwing up is allowed on the train. The two places where you may throw up are in the conveniently-located bathrooms, or on yourselves. Again, merry Kwanzaa.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Jenna K

NYU girl: Do you have a cigarette to ease my cough?

–Waverly & Mercer

Chick: Mad Men is like porn for smokers.

–172nd St & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Posted on May 9, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Celebrations/Parties, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Drunks, Fighting and ass kicking, Film, Girls, Illness, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, On Cell, One-liners, Politics, Porn, Preggers, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Public Transportation, Smoking, Store, Students, The Village, Trains Not Subway, Vomit, Washington Heights and Inwood, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Of Course, He Drives Their Van.

Middle aged dude #1: My son has a black roommate, by choice. French black, but black just the same.
Middle aged dude #2: (silence)
Middle aged dude #1: He says the Asians are the funniest. He's in a band with some Chinese guys.

–Starbucks, Union Square

Overheard by: Tall Skim Latte

Posted on May 8, 2015
Compare/Contrast, Foreigners, Guys, Parents, Race, Starbucks, Union Square and East Village

Where Can I Get Some of That, by the Way?

Bodega guy: What do you want?
Redneck: Camel Lights. Hard pack.
Bodega guy: $6.95.
Redneck: What? You fuckin’ kiddin’ me? That’s higher than a giraffe’s pussy!

–106th & Columbus

Overheard by: Marc

Posted on May 7, 2015
Animals & Nature, Comebacks, Compare/Contrast, Customers, Money & Class, Rednecks, Smoking, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vendors & Street Performers

Wednesday One-Liners Want You to Know About the Size of Their Bank Accounts

Yuppie on cell (trying to be discreet): Hey mom. Are you busy? Could you Google Maps me? I'm on Houston and West Broadway. Yeah, I didn't want to ask anyone for directions and make a fool of myself. Although I'm pretty sure I just did, because half of this coffee shop is looking at me now.

–W Houston

Overheard by: Let's face it, we were all new at one point.

40-something yuppie woman: And then I realized that my biggest problem in life is that most of the time I'm incredibly happy, but I'm not aware of how happy I am.

–81st & Madison

Yuppie dad to seven-year-old daughter: Now when you start buying iPods, that's when you're going to want to have a Visa card.

–Stanton & Christie

Overheard by: Ross

Three-year-old yuppie spawn: Noooooooooooo! I don't want Pad Thai! I want sushi!

–Dice Thai, Prospect Park

Overheard by: I'll take sushi too but you're payin', kid

Posted on May 6, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Dads, Directions, Ethnic Food, Food, Google, Happiness, iPod, Kids, Lower East Side, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On Cell, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, The Village, Upper East Side, Wishes & desires, Women, Yuppies

Life Imitates… Art?

Yuppie: Do you think my neighborhood is sketchy, too?
Friend #1: Well, the part where you walk past the abandoned warehouse *is* sketchy.
Yuppie: They're building an addition. In six months, abandoned no more.
Friend #2: I hear DUMBO is hot right now.
Yuppie: You know, whenever I tell anybody I live in DUMBO, it's like that movie Zoolander, whenever Hansel comes in and they all go, “oh, Hansel's hot now.”

–High Street Train Station

Posted on May 6, 2015
Compare/Contrast, Friends, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Movies, Questions, Stupidity, Train Station, Yuppies

Wednesday One-Liners' Monogrammed Towels Say “W.O.L.”

Preppy teenage boy on cell: I use the word "ex" as a coping mechanism. She can have her name back once I'm healed.

–Grand Central

Transvestite on cell: I'm changing my name from Angela to Rachel. Angela sounds very Disney. I don't feel like Disney. I feel like a hard sound, like Rachel.

–Pelham Bay Park

Black guy: Shit be fucked up. Niggas got bitches' names. Bitches got niggas' names.

–26th & 8th

Overheard by: Withnail

Yuppie to another: You know, man, I think you say my name more than your wife's.

–62nd & 2nd

Overheard by: The Vonz

Upper East Side girl, seriously: You know what the first thing I look for in a gentleman caller is? His name.

–89th St & 3rd Ave

Posted on May 5, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Breaking Up, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Disney, Girls, Grand Central, Insults, Names, Nicknames & name calling, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Preppies, Questions, Teens, The Bronx, Train Station, Trannies, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Yuppies

Want Some?

Thug, talking about fanny pack: What is that? Your change purse?
Thugette: Nigga, that's my insulin!

–1 Train

Posted on May 5, 2015
Compare/Contrast, Default, Fashion, Ghetto Chicks, Illness, Medicine, On the Subway, Questions, Thugs

Wednesday One-Liner: What Is It Good For?

Cleaner: What a pair of tits on that girl! That's why we go to war, that's why we're in Iraq!

–Service Elevator, Lexington & 41st St

Overheard by: Nicky

Annoying chick, about John McCain: I mean, he was a POW because he fucked up!

–Shea Stadium

Overheard by: megan

Security guard, breaking up fight during peace march: You can't fight at the peace march! You can't fight at the peace march!

–143 & Malcolm X

Woman to screaming three-year-old: And that's why you have to register to vote! Or else they'll draft you and you'll have to go to war!

–33rd & 2nd

Girl on phone: I can just get a pass from the Israeli army. Don't worry about it. They're easy.

–NYU Palladium Dining Hall

Posted on May 4, 2015
Blue-collar workers, Compare/Contrast, Elevators, Fighting and ass kicking, Girls, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Iraq, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, NYU, On Cell, Politics, Rack, Security Guards, Shea Stadium, Stupidity, War, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Linerbation

Big old lady yelling at MTA employee: Of course they're not coming! They're too busy fucking! Masturbating! Eating donuts!

–53rd & Lexington Subway Station

Girl to friend: Oh my god, he does things to me that make masturbation seem like bland oatmeal!

–14th & 3rd

Overheard by: TheOneThatGotAway

Teen to friend: Seriously, if I was a guy for a day, all I'd do is piss standing up and masturbate.

–Queens Center Food Court

Guy on cell: Dude, if I didn't jerk off a couple times a day I'm pretty sure I'd be a serial rapist.

–Penn Station

Short nerdy businessman to another: I didn't know I was going out with her when I beat off.

–15th St & 9th St

Overheard by: Spicoli

Blond scruffy short man on headset: Do you really think girls would go for that? You think a girl would, for a chance to win $500, watch me masturbate?

–R Train

Posted on May 4, 2015
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Dating, Food, Friends, Gender issues, Girls, Guys, Jobs & Careers, Masturbation, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Nerds, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Pee, Penn Station, Queens, Rape, Sex, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Teens, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Compare/Contrast