Compare/Contrast

Wednesday One-Liners Can Still Lead a Normal Life

Pissed off gay guy on phone: What should you have said? Oh, I don’t know, maybe "Hi, I’m Michael, I have syphilis!"

–13th & Broadway

Guy: That’d be a great gig, but I don’t know if you want to be the face of venereal disease.

–Cafe Esperanto

Woman coming off train: Get away from me! You got AIDS on yo’ dick!

–R Train

Overheard by: going to the clinic

Chick: As long as it’s not AIDS it’s okay. I’m vaccinated against everything except AIDS.

–Columbia University

20-something male talking to friend: You know the way I see it: AIDS will kill you, herpes is just an inconvenience…

–34th between 2nd and 3rd

Overheard by: LadyEDdy

Columbia student, on her public health exam: I just didn’t know where to put the gonorrhea! It had to go somewhere, I just couldn’t figure out where!

–School of Public Heatlh, Columbia University

Loud guy: So he gave her a venereal disease. That’s not a reason to marry her!

–Blue Hill Restaurant

What's Comfortable About Being Face to Face With a Stranger?

Professor: So when humans evolved to bipedalism and were walking on two legs instead of four, their sexual practices changed and they began to have face to face sex.
Guy in back of class: Well, I mean… it's not always face to face.
Professor: Well, it tends to be the most common and most comfortable way for bipeds to have sex.
(long pause)
Professor: I assume by your silence that you disagree.

–Barnard

Overheard by: You had to say that to the Prof???

Those Who Can’t Teach Gym Become President

Big guy: My grandmother is a science teacher, my father is a math teacher, and my brother is going to be a professor.
Little chick: And you want to be an actor — what a disappointment.
Big guy: Well, if the acting thing doesn’t work out, I’ll be a gym teacher, because those who can’t do, teach. And those who can’t teach, teach gym.

–Olive Garden, Times Square

Overheard by: teetee

And Yet at Night I Give Myself Little Cuts with my Venus Razor

Tourist girl: This is my day every day. I sleep until around 9:30 and I get up and I answer my emails. Then, I work for a couple of hours and then I watch The View. And then I eat lunch and I basically meditate and contemplate everything for a few hours. And then I watch Oprah, so I can cry my eyes out for all the poor people in Africa. Then I eat dinner and I go shopping with my parents at the mall.
New York girl: Wow. It sounds like a spa.
Tourist girl: Yes. My life is like a spa.

–Dekalb Avenue, Brooklyn

An Infestation of Wednesday One-Liners

Woman on phone: I am being nice, but I'm not going to describe to you in great detail what a bug looks like!

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: R&L

Man in zoot suit: When I talk, I don't want you bitches saying nothing! I only wanna hear the cockroaches fornicating on the walls!

–F Train

Overheard by: Reagan

Hipster: It was like watching a praying mantis have a seizure.

–16th & 8th

Wasted girl on sidewalk: No, I am so upset, I am so upset, I lost the back of my phone and there is a bug, a bug!

–11th & Broadway

Old lady: She looks pretty much like a roach.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

Are You Even an Authorized Spokesperson?

Woman preaching: Jesus loves you!
Obviously Jewish girl: Well, supposedly we killed him, so I don’t think so.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: G

Wednesday's One-Liners Sell Themselves

Teenage nerd: My boss and my dealer have the same name. One time I called my boss asking for weed, and he was like "hey!" and I was like "yo, lemme cop" and he was like "I think you have the wrong number" and I hung up.

–Tompkins Square Park

Overheard by: joy

Yuppie 30-something in black coat and white scarf: I'm going crazy! I've got his dealer's number programmed into my phone, but I can't remember her name, so if I call, I won't know who to ask for. And you have to know who to ask for, or they'll think you're a cop!

–16th St & 7th Ave

Loud, mildly intoxicated girl at dinner: People who litter are so much worse than drug dealers.

–Brooklyn

Lady on cell: Tourism is the only industry that doesn't depend on drug cartels.

–14th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Diaz

New Yorkers Never Look at You, Anyway

Man carrying camera and subway map: Do you think we look like tourists?
Woman carrying huge fanny packs, dead serious: No, I think we look okay.

–N Train

How PhDs Say “That Shit Sucked”

Girl, after watching Annie Hall: So, that was your first Woody Allen movie? What did you think?
Guy: It was very Larry David-esque.

–Movies Under the Brooklyn Bridge

Overheard by: Smart Alex/ You Know Nothing of My Work!

The Wednesday One-Liner Monologues

Drunk hipster: Since when did the vagina become the font of all morality?

–110th & Amsterdam

Girl running in pajamas: Oh my god my vagina is so cold!

–50th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Matt

Girl proclaiming: I saw the vagina.

–NYU

Acting student: You have a vagina and he’s all into that. I have a penis and he’s not all into that. That’s why you have to do this for me.

–Archbold Theater

Overheard by: nice

Crazy black woman: I know my pussy! You don’t know my pussy! Haha! You can’t say you know my pussy, I know my pussy! Haha, hah! If you can’t find my pussy, you can’t say you’re not too big!

–114th & Broadway

Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze

Nondescript guy on cell phone: So, were the vaginas ok?

–55th St & 8th

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