Waiter from Minnesota: Yeah, check it out! Minnesota is the 2nd healthiest-eating state!
Bartender from Brooklyn: What do you eat in Minnesota?
Waiter: Well, there are a lot of Scandinavians there so we eat like, you know, sandwiches.
Bartender: (silence)
Waiter: What?
Bartender: You’re actually serious, aren’t you?
–Greenwich Ave & 7th Ave
Overheard by: TrigStarr
Girl: Oh my god, I have to go the bathroom again.
Boy: I think you have a problem: you pee a lot.
Girl: Actually, I don’t pee. I have a thing for public restrooms. I like to lick the toilet seat.
Boy: That’s the last time I share a drink with you!
–Ludlow & Houston
Teenage girl #1: I’m sure there’s at least one West African child that isn’t heavily inebriated!
Teenage girl #2: Ya, I knew one once, he was a really bad fuck.
–112th b/w Broadway & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Ema O’Connor
Hipster: It just sucks having to change the sheets every day.
–54th & Broadway
Overheard by: J-Dawg
Man coming out of bathroom: Rhetorical question: do you wash your hands before or after pissing?
–Columbia Bathroom
Old man on cell: You tell her I don’t want her using that same toilet brush. I want her to use a new one for my place.
–34 Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: truly confused
Tranny to another: And I told him if he wanted to shove that shit up my pussy, he better wash it real good first!
–2nd St b/w 1st & 2nd Aves
Guy on cell: It still stinks? Did you try washing it? Oh. How about using a nail brush? You did? Well, how much skin did you lose?
–C Train
Overheard by: Davis Baker
Angry thug on cell: I ain’t washin’ shit!
–Broadway & Great Jones
Overheard by: Jon A.
Five-year-old girl in the men’s bathroom: Hey everybody! Look! I have fat poopies!
–New Dance Group, West 38th St
Random chick: She’s gonna be all over me for shitting today.
–Outside Butler Library, Columbia University
Overheard by: McFreaky
Girl: I so should have taken a dump in that toilet!
–14th & 4th
High school boy: I literally walked in the bathroom and saw like, someone took a dump on the floor; and it was more than one person! And I was just like, wow, is this a new trend or something?
–Fresh Meadows, Queens
Overheard by: Caro-kun
18-year-old CPR/AED instructor on using a defibrillator: …if you’re touching the person when you administer the shock, it won’t kill you, but you might poo a little.
–50th & Broadway
Overheard by: Fred Daubert
Chick: Welp, I am ready to have diarrhea now!
–2nd Ave & 11th
Thugette to friend, as she exits train: Remember to wash your pussy tonight!
Friend: Bye!
–L Train
Overheard by: Colleen
Guy #1: So how come you’re late?
Guy #2: The conductor on the train held us in the station cause some woman was sick… All I could think was: “How dare this bitch get sick on my train?”
–Brooklyn Tech High School
Overheard by: kreuzweg
Woman #1: What did that guy just say?
Woman #2: He called you a stinky ass!
Woman #1: What? So what did you say?
Woman #2: I said: “Excuse me! She has a bidet!”
–Paragon Sports, Union Square
Overheard by: Manulski
Lesbian daughter: Wow, I have such burnt-out memory cells. Not to be confused with my sickle cell.
Sister, laughing: It’s all mom’s fault! All mom’s fault.
Lesbian to mom, screaming and laughing: Why didn’t you eat my placenta?! You should’ve eaten my placenta! You needed to eat my placenta!
Mom, calm as can be: I’m not African. And besides, you have enough people eating your placenta.
–Parking Lot, NYU College
Overheard by: Lesbian’s Wifey
Old man: By this time of day, my left buttcheek always starts hurting! Not the right one, just the left one. In the morning I feel fine, but by the afternoon… It hurts!
Old lady: I don’t know what to tell you, Earl. Maybe you need to shake it more.
–Bay Terrace
Overheard by: Sov
