You Can Be No Happier Than the Least-Happy Person in the Bed

Sad-looking tiny girlfriend: This was just an awful shift and an awful day.
Meathead boyfriend. trying to cheer her up: Do you want me to sing the sleepy time song?
Sad-looking tiny girlfriend: No. I just want to drink.
Meathead boyfriend: I have Jack at home.
Sad-looking tiny girlfriend: Fuck Jack, I need fucking tequila!
Meathead boyfriend: No! You're mean when you have tequila!
Sad-looking tiny girlfriend: I'm going to be meaner than I am now if I don't get tequila!
Meathead boyfriend: Okay, I'll get a bottle.

–A Train

Posted on September 22, 2014
Compare/Contrast, Couples, Drinking & Drunk People, Insults, Meatheads, On the Subway, Singing, Threats, Wishes & desires

Mom Finally Comes to Terms with It

Mom: You’re not cooking anymore. You’re awful.
Daughter: I don’t like cooking. I’d rather bake.
Mom: Of course you would, you fucking stoner.

–A Train

Overheard by: A Birdy Told Me

Posted on September 21, 2014
Compare/Contrast, Default, Drugs, Food, Girls, Insults, Moms, On the Subway

You Really Need More Straight Friends

Fat girl: Is it here? You know — that bitch.
Friend: No, I don’t see her. You know she says nice things about you, right?
Fat girl: Well, you can tell her to suck my big fat cock.

–Outside Bronx High School of Science

Posted on September 19, 2014
Biotechs, Fat People, Insults, Penis, School

Gotta Admit, He's Mad Crackerish

Really white guy (loudly): Who is that fucking nigger you're working for now?
Another white guy: Pleasant….so do you live around here now?
Really white guy: Yeah, this is my hood.

–Deli, Greenpoint Ave / Manhattan Ave

Overheard by: Jesse

Posted on September 17, 2014
Delis, Guys, Insults, Jobs & Careers, KKK, Queens, Questions, Race, White People

The New York Definition Of “Being Nice”

Woman to toddler: You gotta be nice to Jenny.
Toddler: No!
Woman: No, you gotta be nice to Jenny, even though she's a fat-ass. Jenny is a fat-ass. Haha, fat-ass Jenny!

–Downtown A Train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Posted on September 15, 2014
Advice, Education, Insults, Kids, Physical appearance, Trains Not Subway, Women

Sorry, but My Heart Belongs to an HIV-Positive Junkie Musician

Drunk hobo to punk chick: Hey, where you goin sexy?
Punk chick: Fuck off.
Drunk hobo: I'm gonna fuckin marry you, you just watch, I'm gonna fuckin marry you!

–St Mark's & 2nd Ave

Posted on September 14, 2014
Drunks, Girls, Hobos, Homeless, Insults, Marriage, Punks, Union Square and East Village

He'll Feel Superior for About a Minute, Before He Realizes He's in Brooklyn

Train conductor: This is Atlantic Avenue. If you don't want to be left in the city get off now, if you are going to the city, buckle up… wooo hoooo!
Ghetto woman: This nigga lost his mind.
Ghetto child: Just like daddy?
Suit: Fucking morons! (walks off train)

–Q Train

Overheard by: Got Off On Atlantic

Posted on September 14, 2014
Advice, Default, Directions, Ghetto Chicks, Insults, Kids, Moms, On the Subway, Parents, Questions, Subway conductors, Suits, Weirdness

Your Unfounded Allegations Redound to My Detriment

Black guy #1: Lady, don’t sit next to that man, he’s got aids, motherfucker.
Black guy #2: Who you talkin’ bout aids? I went to prison for ten years and I don’t have no aids. Peace, brother.
Black guy #1: I tell you he got aids, motherfucker!
Black guy #2: Peace, brother, peace.
Black guy #1: Aids, motherfucker!

–PATH Train

Posted on September 14, 2014
Advice, AIDS, Black People, Compare/Contrast, Default, Etiquette, Guys, Insults, On the Subway, Prison

But Miami's Warm– Why Is Everyone There So Attractive?

Teen punk girl: You know, I don't get why people wear uggs. They're all like, “oh, they're warm, they're warm! I don't care if they're warm, they are not attractive!
Teen hipster friend: Yeah, I know, right?
Teen punk girl: There's many things that are warm, but that are not attractive. North Face ski coats are warm, are they attractive? No. Fat people must be warm, are they attractive? Fuck no!

–110th & Amsterdam

Posted on September 12, 2014
Diet/Weight, Friends, Girls, Hipsters, Insults, Physical appearance, Punks, Shoes, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Power Corrupts, and Traffic Enforcement Power Corrupts Irrationally

Traffic cop: You can’t walk now. Get a clue!
Man: I got a clue — the ‘Walk’ sign!
Traffic cop: I don’t give a shit what the sign says!

–52nd & 5th

Posted on September 12, 2014
Cops, Crime and Punishment, Fitness, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Only in New York, Stupidity

Insults