Wednesday One-Liners Want to Know What Makes the Law & Order Sound

Law professor: Sometimes you just want to tell your client, "Wake the fuck up!"

–NYU Law School

Law student on cell: Well, it's hard to locate them, since I don't know who they are.

–Columbia Law School

Overheard by: arctinus

Older looking woman on cell: No, don't fight him, Henry. We're Jewish. God gave us lawyers for a reason.

–42nd & Avenue of the Americas

Overheard by: Elizabeth

Awesome judge: If you do not have a basic understanding of the English language, you will not be able to serve. If you cannot understand what I'm saying, please come up now. Now, two translators will translate what I just said. If you understood what I said, obviously don't come up here.

–Supreme Court Building

Suit to girl: You must be a lawyer. (pause) Or a cunt.

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: How did he know?

Thug: Don't say anything to her! Don't you know anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law?

–132nd & St. Nicholas

Drunk lawyer on phone: Yeah! I convict rape victims.

–Outside Shea Stadium

Posted on November 7, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bryant Park, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Crime and Punishment, Drunks, Fighting and ass kicking, Girls, God, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Insults, Judaism, Language Barrier, Lawsuits, Lawyers, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, NYU, On Cell, Rape, Shea Stadium, Students, Stupidity, Suits, Teachers/Professors, Thugs, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Wednesday One-Liner Is Murder

Black man: I can never watch you eat sausage again. It was the most awkwardly erotic thing I've ever seen. It was the perfect combination of food and female.

–Pratt Coffee Shop, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Maryrose

Boy to friend: And then the teacher said: "and that's the history of ham"!

–Queens

Overheard by: alex

Young woman on cell: Well, I would go to Gray's for hot dogs with you, but I can't. I gave up tubed meat for lent.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Caroline

Cute teen girl: It'd be like a floppy bag of meat… (pause) I'm not talking about dick!

–Starbucks

Woman placing drive-thru order: And two junior bacon cheeseburgers. Actually, I don't want the bacon. I don't want to get the swine flu.

–Wendy's Drivethru, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Oh the Pig-manity!

Upset Orthodox Jew mother to baby in stroller: Bacon!? Who told you about bacon!?

–West End & West 100th St

Posted on October 8, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Babies, Black People, Boys, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Food, Friends, Illness, Jewish Moms, Judaism, Junk Food & Fast Food, Kids, Kink, Men, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Penis, Queens, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, School and studying, Sensory Experiences, Sex, Starbucks, Street, Stupidity, Teens, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Washington Square Park, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Obviously Reformed

A Gentile Yuppie: I once dated a Rabbi’s daughter, in the Hamptons. I went to a family barbeque, and he asked me, ‘Do you want cheese on your hamburger?’ and I thought, ‘Ah–this is a moment of truth–one of those key moments in a relationship, where the family will judge me–what should I say?’ and I said, ‘Yes, I would’–and then the Rabbi responded, ‘Great! Then Cheese for Everybody!'”

— Bar Tabac, Boerum Hill, Brooklyn

Posted on September 26, 2014
Bars & Clubs, Brooklyn, Dating, Food, Jews, Judaism, Parents, Religion, Sex & Relationships, Yuppies

Like my sister.

Man: I am concerned about breeding.
Friend: Breeding?!
Man: Yeah, you know — Jews are pretty inbred. I’m probably going to have kids with three fingers or something. I should have married someone into running — big and athletic.

–Central Park Reservoir

Headline by: Brooklyn Twang

Runners-Up:
· “But Jews Do Run. They Run Everything.” – Rottin’ in Denmark
· “Instead Of That Gimp Cousin Of Mine” – Uberjim
· “The E in EHarmony Stands for Eugenics” – quazarfreez
· “The Final Solution 2.0” – Scott Gresham
· “They’re Called Germans: But They May Not Be So Into That…” – Caitorade
· “You Know, Someone Who Could Win a “Master Race”” – Mike T

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on September 25, 2014
Babies, Central Park, Friends, Headline Contest Winners, Jews, Judaism, Marriage, Men, Questions

…If You Know What I Mean.

Pretty girl at hamburger exhibition: Wait, it's got pork in it? Do you even eat pork?
(pause) I mean… Not because you're Jewish, I just thought you didn't eat pork for some reason.
Tall male friend: I eat pork.

–Laundromat Gallery, Bushwick

Posted on September 21, 2014
Food, Friends, Girls, Judaism, Laundromat, Questions, Words

It’s Good to See People Embracing Religion for Materialistic Reasons

Jewish guy #1: We should become born-again Christians so people have to get us presents and we can have parties on our born-again birthdays.
Jewish guy #2: That is the worst reason for converting I have ever heard… Wait, no — actually, if we do it, can we have born-again bar mitzvahs?

–South St Seaport

Posted on September 17, 2014
Advice, Christianity, Compare/Contrast, Default, Friends, Guys, Jews, Judaism, Questions, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

They Called Him Steve Back Then

Hipster #1: What is ‘Jews for Jesus,’ anyway?
Hipster #2: Well, it’s Jews who believe in Jesus.
Hipster #1: The Old Testament Jesus or the New Testament Jesus?

–Broadway & West 4th St

Overheard by: geneva c.

Posted on September 16, 2014
Hipsters, Jesus, Judaism

They Pull You in With Candy –Then, Bam, You’re a Sinner!

Little girl: Daddy, daddy, will you buy me some Easter candy?
Father: No, sweetheart. We don’t celebrate Easter–we’re Jewish.
Little girl: But mommy buys me Easter candy!
Father: It’s not my fault your mother has abandoned her principles.

–Times Square

Posted on September 12, 2014
Compare/Contrast, Dads, Default, Food, Gifts, Girls, Holidays, Judaism, Kids, Offers and requests, Questions, Times Square, Wishes & desires

What Would Anti-Semites Do without Wednesday One-Liners?

Modern orthodox girl: … And I was like, ‘Why should I be considerate? He doesn’t even keep kosher!’

–Barnard College

Overheard by: Considerate of non-shellfish eaters and shellfish eaters alike

Guy on cell: Well, I’m only Jewish by injection…

–82nd & Madison

Overheard by: I’m only Catholic because I took a pill…

Woman: I think I’m just too Jewish for yoga.

–Park Slope

20-ish girl on cell: I mean, Jesus Christ! The Jews in the RV just won’t leave me alone!

–St. Mark’s & Ave B

Overheard by: Also accosted by the mitzvah tank

Man on cell: How did I pull off that deal? I’m a Jew, and that means I have powers over money that a dumb goyim like you can only dream of. It’s like Jewish superhero powers. Just call me ‘Super Jew.’

–Near Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Lesbian Whisperer

Little boy: Uhhh, half New Yorkish and, uhhh, half Jewish — is that what I am, Mom? Half New Yorkish and half Jewish?

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Rosie