Buddy #1: Did you see Forest Whitaker’s speech at the Golden Globes? He won Best Actor. I’m almost positive he was on crystal meth. He was, like, stuttering and his eyes were tearing up.
Buddy #2: Maybe he was emotional ’cause he won the award.
Buddy #1: [Long, reflective pause] Yeah… Maybe that, too.
–40th & 5th
Overheard by: Wubba
Man on cell: I had never used a dildo before, you know? It’s just never come up, I guess. So I think, ‘Okay, I’m not that young anymore — I’ll take what I can get…’ and it was going fine, but then I didn’t know you’re not supposed to shove it in that fast…
–14th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Peter L
Dude on cell: Why would I get the pink one? It’s not a dildo, it’s a back massager from Duane Reade.
–Christopher & 7th
Girl: I’ve got my Reisens and my vibrator, and I’m all set!
–Duane Reade, Montague & Court, Brooklyn
Young woman turning to male friend: So, bud, conquered any good buttplugs lately?
–6 train
Girl whispering: I think that girl in line behind me just read this text about rubber pussy cups!
–Victoria’s Secret dressing room
20-something guy to pals at brunch: I’m tired of being the guy with all the good sex toys!
–56th & 9th
Grey-haired middle-aged man on cell: 40 grand for a suck. No… 40 grand, and I’ll suck your dick.
–Fashion District
Man on cell: What about the licking? Did you practice licking? I can’t teach you anything if you don’t practice. You have to practice the licking if you want to do it right.
–78th St & 37th Ave
Overheard by: Jillian
Homeless woman: Everyone on this train eats pussy! Guys, girls, all ya’ll!
–2 train
Overheard by: Macaire
Ghetto dude: Do you see that building? Do you see that building? That’s NYU. It took me 26 years to get my degree there. And what am I doing? Still sucking white dick.
–Bleecker & Mercer
Overheard by: Jay
Guy on cell: Yeah, man, this chick just gave me a blowjob. She was like, ‘Are you on Restless?’ And I was like, ‘Yeah,’ and then she dropped to her knees!
–2nd & 2nd
Overheard by: wishing i did soaps
Suit on cell: On one hand, you’re married, and I don’t need that kind of drama. On the other hand, you do owe me a blowjob.
–Wall St, 2-3 stop atrium
Overheard by: did he get a receipt?
Girl #1: I looove Mexican food.
Girl #2: Me, too… just not people ordering it while they’re having sex with me.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Chick #1: Are you feeling better? You looked really sick last night.
Chick #2: Yeah, I felt like I got hit by a Tonka truck.
Chick #1: A Tonka truck?
Chick #2: Well, you know, I always exaggerate.
Chick #1, laughing: A Tonka truck is a toy. I think you mean a mack truck.
Chick #2: … No wonder people look at me weird when I say that.
–Ten’s World Class Cabaret
This week’s Headline Contest: Here
Dude #1: You have to make a decision — between the girls you want to fuck, the girls you want to kill, and the girls you want to marry.
Dude #2: Yeah…
–East Houston
Prep chick: Is it amoebas that come from Mexico? Or am I thinking of armadillos?
–5th Ave
Overheard by: Francesca
White teen girl: So, is there a Friday next week?
–4 train
Overheard by: Gregorio
Girlfriend: If your friends told you to jump down a bridge, would you do it?
–D train, Grand Concourse
Suit to black gangster holding large chameleon: Excuse me, sir. What species of dinosaur is that?
–Manhattan-bound F train
Overheard by: Josh
Teen: So how much would the game cost if it was $17.99?
–Game Stop, Forest Hills
Future zoologist: They have sea lions here! They’re like lions — from the sea!
–Central Park Zoo
Overheard by: Andrew K.
Guy #1: So what’s the deal with that chick who was talking to you?
Guy #2: Well, I think she’s absolutely atrocious. But yeah, I’d hit that.
–The Joshua Tree, Murray Hill
Chinese girl: [in Chinese] Your luck just ran out.
Black girl: What the fuck did she say?
Chinese passerby: You are fucked.
–W 4th & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Ting
