Offers and requests

Wednesday One-Liners Have Fallen Upon Hard Times

Hobo: Can you spare some change? Selfish fucking morons! Can you spare some change? Selfish fucking morons! Can you spare some change? I love you.

–Broadway & 9th St

Hobo to everyone on train: Stand clear the closing doors, ladies and gentlemen. Please watch the gap between the train and the platform. Walk over it, not in it. Your safety is my number one priority because: without you, I don't eat.

–4 Train

Crazy hobo to man: I don't want your change. I want that! (points to man's crotch)

–F Train

Hobo: Can you spare me 600,000 dollars?

–Broadway & 97th St

Overheard by: Martijn H

Drunk hobo to restaurant owner: Oh, man, I've missed you! You haven't cursed me out in forever!

–Restaurant, Ave A & 7th St

Overheard by: Tigertail

Stop Fighting This Instant or We Will Turn These Wednesday One-Liners Around and Go Home!

British tourist to misbehaving child: Do you want a smacked bottom now or the other thing when we get home?

–Central Park

Overheard by: birdw0rks

Mom to kid playing on shopping cart: You'd better stop that, or you're going to fall and crack your head, and I'm going to laugh, cuz I told you so.

–Grocery Store

Father to four-year-old son: Watch out, these people are trying to kill us.

–36th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: benny

Guy to son who is hesitant about seat in theater: If I had been this choosy with your mom, you wouldn't be here!

–Park Slope, Brooklyn

Mother to daughter: I don't want to hear about your hunger pangs right now. Now turn around and look at the sea lions.

–Central Park Zoo

Overheard by: kathcom

Would “Your Lips!!!” Be an Inappropriate Answer?

Customer: I'd like a footlong meatball sub on wheat.
Manager: What would you like on your balls, sir?

–Subway Restaurant

Overheard by: Mondoman

What Runs Through Parents' Minds When They Picture Their Kids in the Big Apple

Drunk hobo: You guys are attractive. You got the hair thing going on and you have the sideburns working for you. (flexes biceps)
Teenage boys: Ummm… Thanks.
Drunk hobo: Guys… listen. Guys… birds of a feather fly together. Birds of a feather fly together. You don't see seagulls flying with pigeons or pigeons flying with seagulls. Birds of a feather fly together! You guys have any money?
(they give him some change, he walks away)
Sketchy man overlooking: Wow… that guy was crazy. Do you kids want some weed or some blow?

–Sitting Area, 48th & 8th

Overheard by: Brendan

Now That's Customer Service

Indian counter-person #1 to girl buying beer: Do you want a straw?
Girl: No, thanks.
Indian counter-person #2: I hear you get more fucked up if you drink it from a straw.

–Spring & Mott

Overheard by: Clannah

But Would It Help If You Knew That “Cocaine” Was the Name Of a Hooker?

Old hobo sitting on sidewalk to grad student: Hey man! You want some cocaine?
Grad student: No, thanks man.
Old hobo: Alright, have a good night.
Grad student: You too.

–Chelsea

Overheard by: tee hee :)

Wednesday One-Liners Didn't Mean It Like That

Mother to two-year old son: Zachary, I am not continuing this discussion with you all day long! If you don't like what's in your mouth, just spit it out!

–Dunkin' Donuts

Nerdy Jewish Barnard girl on cell: I can just imagine it in my mouth, the taste of it.

–116th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Sully

Young boy running with soaked t-shirt: I need to be squirted! Somebody has to squirt me!

–89th St

Father to young daughter: Want me to squirt it in your mouth?

–Astoria

Overheard by: Mark

Foxy Fox news producer to another: I know you wanted something hard, so I slipped you Shively!

–Starbucks

Maybe God Will Heal You?

Bible flier girl: Would you like a pamphlet to read about the good news of god?
Blind guy with walking stick: It's in Braille?
Bible flier girl: Oh, umm, no it's not.
Blind guy: You've got to be kidding.

–32nd & 7th

Overheard by: The WC

When Boys Learn About Girls on the Internet

Horny boy #1: Dude, when a girl asks for an ass massage she's totally asking for sex!
Horny boy #2: I know, man! I'd be pissed, too.

–Bleecker St

What Is It About a Loser in a Bandana?

20-something dude with lame Bret Michaels bandana: Come on babe, let me walk you home. Actually, fuck it, come over and watch a movie with me, I got some beer.
Unattractive older blonde: Nah, can't, I've got work in the morning, and I'm already wasted.
20-something dude with lame Bret Michaels bandana: Aw, you know I'll get you up as early as you need to get to work on time. You know I will. Plus, I'm pretty drunk, but I'm your cousin, so you don't even have to worry that I'll try to stick my wiener in you!
Unattractive older blonde: Well, alright.

–Grassroots Tavern, East Village

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