Wednesday Keeps Popping Out One-Liners

Drunk woman to another: Well, I will see your divorce and raise you an illegitimate pregnancy!

–Court St & Atlantic Avenue, Brooklyn

Girl to super skinny girl: You look pregnant, I think I have a clothes hanger in my locker. You wanna come up and check with me?

–1st Ave & 3rd St

Dad holding baby to wife with another kid in stroller: Somebody's about to get pregnant up in here… It'll be like Maury Povich.

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: NOT the father

Dude on bus to child: See, women, they get to grow people. And in exchange, we get to pee standing up.

–Q64 Bus

Overheard by: a people-grower

Girl to friend: You always seem to get pregnant at the worst times.

–Queens Center Mall

Overheard by: Jenn

Girl to friend: I'm feeling fertile. Who's going to tend to that feeling for me?

–2 Train

Latino guy to friends: That's what my name means in Portuguese, "pregnancy test positive."

–84th Drive, Queens

Posted on July 15, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Breaking Up, Brooklyn, Bus, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Dads, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Families, Friends, Gender issues, Girls, Guys, Kids, Languages, Latinos, Malls, Moms, Names, Offers and requests, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Pee, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Queens, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Skinny People, Street, Stupidity, Threats, TV, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

“Young Adult” Wednesday One-Liners

Father to son: No five-year-old should be asking for Chilean sea bass for dinner.

–Joralemon & Court

Dapper man on cell: You used to be able to pass for twenty… uh… eight.

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Chuckell

Middle aged woman clutching Twilight book, trying to exit bus while reading: God! These novels for 13-year-olds make me hot!

–B7 Bus

Overheard by: i know, i love it too…

Prissy woman on cell: I don't care if he's six years old, he doesn't have to throw a fucking temper tantrum every time he wakes up. I mean, get over yourself.

–Washington Square

Overheard by: Eric

Guy to friend: I'm thirty years old now. I'm over thirty. I don't know how to live. I'm an "adult" now. But I don't know how to live–without someone taking care of me.

–F Train

Overheard by: Jason B

Older woman to almost-dead father: Dad, the doctor told me I have a 45-year-old vagina!

–Manhattan Office

Posted on July 15, 2009
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Books & Writing, Brooklyn, Bus, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Dads, Ethnic Food, Friends, Guys, Horny, Insults, Kids, Medicine, Men, Offers and requests, Office, Old People, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, Parents, Street, Vagina, Washington Square Park, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Meet the Guy Who Makes the Subway Doors Open

Crazy ranting black guy: My divinity is hot… my arrows can block the clouds. I wanna be the Imperial Leader for all time. My lizards will rule everyone. If y'all do what I say, things'll be fine.
Annoyed black lady, as he continues ranting: Whatever they gave him, it was too much. Oh my god! Why we gotta deal with this shit? Economic crisis and all, and still gotta deal with crazy people!
Crazy ranting black guy: Son, I open doors. Try to clap your heels three times and open doors like me–you can't do it! In prison, in the hood…
Annoyed black lady, now yelling: Why pick a train? Why not go to the hood like you say? Go to wherever you started that shit and deal. You need a therapist for real!

–A Train

Overheard by: Tigertail

Posted on July 14, 2009
Animals & Nature, Black People, Crazies, Crazy, Gripes, Guys, On the Subway, Prison, Psychology, Public Transportation, Questions, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Well, Lesbian Pretty, Anyway.

Stuy guy: So the other day, one of my girlfriends saw me walking on the street with you, and that night she IMed me on AIM and—I think she's a lesbian but I'm not sure–she said “so I saw you walking with some pretty Asian girl today…” and…
Stuy girl: Wait what's her name?
Stuy guy: Antoinette.
Stuy girl: Oh. Did you give her my number?
Stuy guy: (inaudible)
Stuy girl: That's gonna be awkward because I'm already juggling like three other lesbians right now.
(a minute later)
Stuy girl: Awww! I'm pretty!

–Downtown 2 Train

Posted on July 13, 2009
Beauty, Gays and Lesbians, Names, On the Subway, Students

I Almost Enjoy Putting Up with Her Crap

Boy stumbling in: Yo, then I pulled out…and she shit on my foot.
Friend: Was she hot, though?
Boy: She was 200…180 pounds. Whatever…whatever floats your boat, am I right?

–Uptown 1 Train

Overheard by: CMAC ATTACK

Posted on July 12, 2009
Backdoor, Boys, Diet/Weight, Friends, On the Subway, Poop, Questions, Weirdness

Hey, You Never Know When a Stray-Dog Contest Will Erupt in New York

Guy, apropos of nothing: You know, if I were ever in one of those contests where there's a stray dog and two families and you have to figure out which family he loves the most, I would totally keep some Snausages in my pocket or something.
(long pause)
Chick he's with: You are a strange little man. A strange little man.

–Uptown Q Train

Overheard by: Ladle

Posted on July 11, 2009
Family Ties, Food, Girls, Guys, Man's Best Friend, On the Subway, Weirdness

Sinners Are Always More Sinful on the Other Side Of the Door

Crazy Jesus guy: Repent! Judgment is upon us, and we are all sinners!
Suit: Hey, there are some sinners in the next car.
Crazy Jesus guy: We indulge in things, and it's a sin!
Suit: Some really bad sinners.
Crazy Jesus guy: Repent!
Suit: They're just there in the next car.

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: Nora

Posted on July 10, 2009
Cars and Driving, Crazies, God Squad, On the Subway, Preachers, Religion, Suits, Weirdness

Leave It to New Yorkers to Get to the Core Of an Issue

Barefoot hobo: World War II was the best day of my life til my big sista was born in 1812. That was them Spaniard War… (silence, then in a really loud voice) Dammit, who stole my chicken?
Nervous white woman to friend, whispering: That's what happens when you send your kids to public school… (a minute later) Did he even have chicken?

–F Train

Posted on July 10, 2009
Crazy, Food, Friends, History & Geography, Hobos, Kids, On the Subway, Questions, School and studying, Stupidity, Thievery, War, White People, Women

I Want Him Home in His Jammies Playing Halo

Brunette: I would never date a guy who wears skinny jeans.
Blonde: What's wrong with skinny jeans?
Brunette: It means he's got fashion sense. I just don't need that. I would also never date a guy who's sociable.

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: wearing skinny jeans and wouldn't date her either

Posted on July 9, 2009
Clothing, Dating, Girls, On the Subway, Pickiness, Questions

Moral Of the Story: Don't Go to Brooklyn.

(train stops late at night, conductor orders everyone out)
30-something man with large black coat on: This is why I drive drunk! This is why I drive drunk! Because the trains suck! This is why I drive drunk!
20-something woman in heels: This is why I get in the car when he drives drunk! This is why I get in the car when he drives drunk!
30-something man: This is why I drive drunk! Fuck this train!
20-something woman: You tell them, uncle! You tell them!

–L Train

Posted on July 9, 2009
Cars and Driving, Conductors, Drinking & Drunk People, Insults, Men, On the Subway, Passengers, Public Transportation, Women

On the Subway